Thread by @KieranSnyder

1
Person: I’m having trouble working with X. [story]
Me: Have you told X what you just shared w me?
Person: No, our 1-1s are tense. I’m afraid to share it.
Me: Where are you holding 1-1s?
Person, confused: Um, in a conference room?

A thread about tense relationships at work >>

2 A few years into my career, there was a guy I just could not work with. We were like oil and water. Many people I respected seemed to admire and value him, but I couldn’t understand why.

3 Things stayed tense for a few months. Meetings that included both of us were uncomfortable for everyone in the room. We reluctantly decided to have regular 1-1s to work through things.

4 Sometimes it felt like we made progress in those 1-1s, but things always regressed once we left the room. Best case, the 1-1 got us to stalemate. We would calmly agree to disagree. Never much real harmony, so any apparent agreement evaporated when we left the room.

5 One day my manager asked me a simple question: “Where are you holding your 1-1s?”

I was confused by the question. I mean, where do people hold 1-1s? In someone’s office, or in a conference room? That's where we held our 1-1s.

6 My manager told me to change the scenery. Go to lunch. Get coffee. Meet in the cafe. Do a walking 1-1 outside. Anything to change the dynamic, he said.

7 It sounded horrible. I bristled at the idea of spending extra time with this person that I dreaded working with. But my manager pushed me to think about it. I didn't get it.

He asked me about it again a couple weeks after first suggesting it, so I grudgingly agreed to try it.

8 I proposed to my work nemesis that we spend our next 1-1 having lunch. The guy was very surprised, but he agreed.

9 I showed up to the lunch as nervous as I have ever been.

But the simple act of me proposing lunch changed the dynamic. He started by saying, “I was surprised to get this invitation, but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you suggesting it.” All my anxiety vanished.

10 We had a very human conversation that day about why our work partnership was not working. I found it easier to give and receive feedback than I ever had in the office. I was able to hear where he was coming from, and felt more open to share in return.

11 That day began a very productive partnership that spanned several years, across multiple projects. When our paths crossed again a year after that first project wrapped up, I was delighted. It felt like working with an old friend.

12 The physical environment where we had been working and meeting had become a kind of trigger. In that environment, we fell into habits and roles. They were not healthy roles, but they were familiar and hard to disrupt.

13 Changing the physical environment changed the conversation. Changing the conversation changed the relationship.

14 Thanks to that experience, when a colleague comes to me frustrated with another colleague, one of the first questions I ask is: “Where are you holding your 1-1s?”

Changing the physical environment changes the conversation. 🌠