today my CS professor verified my imposter syndrome by saying "you're a good student, but here at Harvard there are some really great and really talented students"
when he said that memories of loneliness and exclusion within the department flooded my mind, and I started crying
when he said that memories of loneliness and exclusion within the department flooded my mind, and I started crying
I was appealing my grade for a class last semester. by my own calculations, I was 0.5 points below the cutoff for an A-, and I had some disagreements with how the staff graded a few crucial assignments. I didn't have much hope for a grade change, but I thought it was worth a shot
the conversation went well at first. I was vulnerable and honest, and he listened and provided a reasonable perspective. but then he made that comment and I lost all my composure
I'd scored well (above the mean) for nearly all assignments in the course, but fumbled on one near the end. around that time I was heavily involved in campus organizing around the student worker strike, and had a myriad of other unexpected obstacles and responsibilities
I didn't manage my time as well as I should have for that assignment, and I admitted that to him. but this bifurcation between "good students" and "great students" based on his perception of "hard work" was incredibly unfair and inaccurate
I work two jobs on campus, totaling at least 18.5 hours per week. I'm involved in several student organizations and organizing efforts to make the campus safer and livable. I do original research on how to solve big structural political and civic engagement problems.
so to insinuate that I don't work as hard as other students because of my grade on one assignment is hurtful and irresponsible. I've long felt excluded in that department, because there is a dearth of both representation of and understanding for people with backgrounds like mine
he suggested I form study groups. I've tried. in the past students have assumed that my answers were untrustworthy and ignored my input. they've made me feel worthless. I have no friends in the department either, not for lack of trying
the same students he lauds as "great" and "talented" literally work in groups of 10 on problem sets. I often work alone. again, not for lack of trying.
I love the material. I really do. I teach it, in two classes within the department, in part because of that, and because I want students like me to see that it's possible to succeed
but damn, as I sat outside the CS building crying in the cold I really had to rethink that framework
regardless, there must be grace. I hold space for the plausibility of him not intending to hurt me with that comment, or even knowing about my struggle, in the specific, general, and theoretical senses. I otherwise love his teaching and he did listen to me in that conversation
it's my last semester, and I have two more CS/Stat classes. I rebuke defeat, so here's to working hard 🥂
I love and appreciate the support. I'd like to direct all of this energy to @HarvardESC, the brave group of students continuing the decades-long fight for Ethnic Studies at this school
follow and support them, please. and while you're at it, follow @Free_Renty and come/contributeto next week's panel and discussion
I appreciate but don't immediately need the offers of money, job offers, etc. they need more people in the movement
