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<An evil volcano lair. Alarms sound>

MINION: She's getting closer sir.
EVIL GENIUS: No matter! The ignition sequence is complete. Firing now...
MINION:
EG:
MINION: Sir...
EG: No give it a second. Touch unlock just takes a while sometimes.
MINION: It's just that she's getting closer and...
EVIL GENIUS: It's fine! It just takes a minute!
MINION:
EG:
MINION: Was it definitely that finger you configured touch unlock for?
EG: Are you questioning me?!
MINION:
EG: I mean I think it was...
MINION: Try your index
EG: Ok
EVIL GENIUS: No, that's not working either. I'm going to let the screen dark out and...

<blarp blarp>

MINION: She's past the shark room, sir
EG: Blimey, that's good work
MINION: Yes sir
EG: Okay there, let's try... gah
MINION: Still no sir?
EG: I don't get why it's so stubborn
MINION: Could you perhaps just enter your password?
EG: It just feels a bit of a waste, I mean they make a big thing about touch unlock and

<weeWOOweeWOO>

EG: Oh that's nice. Didn't know we had a WeeWoo
MINION: She's past the bear pit sir
EG:
MINION: I'll get the keyboard, sir.
MINION: Here you go, sir
EVIL GENIUS: Okay, and how do I...
MINION: It's bluetooth, sir. Just push the little button on the bottom and...
EG: Oh yes found it. Right! Let's fire this and...
MINION:
EG: ...Ah
MINION: Problem, sir?
EG: When did we move to mult-factor authentication?
MINION: There WAS an all-base email about this last week, sir.
EVIL GENIUS: You think I read all-base emails?!
MINION: It was marked Important
EG: And anyway who puts MFA on a nuclear missile control laptop?!
MINION: I would imagine everybody, sir
EG:
MINION:
EG: Okay, fair point
MINION: Just get it to text the code, sir?
EVIL GENIUS: I'm not an idiot! I have! I just need to... gah... need to find a signal...
MINION: Hard round here sir
EG: Why can't I find...
MINION: What with us being under a volcano and everything.
EG:
MINION: Sir.
EVIL GENIUS <distant>: Aha! got it!
MINION: Be careful up there, sir.
EG: 734442! Try 734442! I'm coming back down!
MINION: Okay sir I'll...

<pfft. splat>

EG: Did that work? I... oh... ew.
SUPERSPY: 'Oh', and 'Ew', indeed.
SUPERSPY: You've lost
EVIL GENIUS: Goddamnit
SUPERSPY: Deactivate the missile, and the base self destruct
EG: Yes! Yes. I know. I'm trying... I'm just...
SUPERSPY: What?
EG: I think my MFA key has expired
SUPERSPY: Oh god I hate that
EG: I know, right?
SUPERSPY: Try touch unlock?
Bleurgh. I'm ill. If you liked this and want to help me overdose on Lemsip you can do so here:

ko-fi.com/garius

Don't forget to RT the FIRST TWEET (cos thread innit) if you liked it! And follow me for more stuff like this, history threads and... well... a lot of nonsense
And you're GODDAMN RIGHT I couldn't unlock my laptop this morning.
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John Bull
@garius
HAMMOND: Goldeneye?
CLARKE: Sounds good. Licence to Kill? Odd Job ban?
HAMMOND: Of course.

<ding dong>

HAMMOND: That'll be Lidington. You set it up, I'll get the door. David! You better have got those snacks and...

<click>

JAVID: Hello.
HAMMOND: ....ah shit.
HAMMOND: What do you want?
JAVID: The Saj had to get away
CLARKE <other room>: Is that David?
HAMMOND: It's Javid
CLARKE: What does that twat want?
HAMMOND: I just asked him that
JAVID: The Saj
CLARKE: Is he still calling himself The Saj?
HAMMOND: Yup
CLARKE: Tell him he's a twat
HAMMOND: What DO you want?
JAVID: The Saj had nowhere else to go
CLARKE: Remind him that he's a twat
JAVID: They've forced me out!
CLARKE: Like a really big one
JAVID: Does he know the Saj can hear him?
HAMMOND <shouts>: He can hear you Ken
CLARKE: Oh Good. You're a twat, Javid!
Read 13 tweets
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John Bull
@garius
Speaking as an occasional 'TV Expert', this isn't a BBC problem. It's a broadcast media problem. It happens because the expert system is often self-policed.

Here's a quick thread on my experience of how it mostly works.
I'm going to reiterate this first, as Twitter is stupid.

THIS. IS. NOT. A. BBC. PROBLEM.

It is the result of the explosion in talk radio and (first) 24hr and (now) instant news coverage. Stop and think for a second: how many 'experts' does the industry need every day:

A LOT.
Worse, most shows (again, radio or TV) need experts quickly. Not just same day, but sometimes same hour. This is because they are under enormous pressure to break the story or remain current.

Shitty government comms encourages this, by not pre-briefing, to avoid better coverage.
Read 19 tweets
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John Bull
@garius
Thread time!

Meet Mary Burchell, one of the most successful romance writers EVER. Over 110 Mills & Boons to her name.

Got an image of her in your head now, right? Bin it.

Because Mary is a Righteous Gentile.

She wrote books to fund her efforts to help Jews escape Nazi Germany
Mary was born Ida Cook (and we'll call her 'Ida' from now on) in Sunderland in 1904. Her parents were an average middle class couple, and Ida and her sister Louise had a sheltered, happy upbringing mostly in London (their mother was a proper 'Bow Bells' cockney).
One thing their parents were very good about was just letting the girls be themselves.

As a result, by the 1920s Ida and Louise were both working in secretarial roles, happily living their own lives, but together. They would remain life-long companions.
Read 37 tweets

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So the 2010s are coming to an end and this was the decade that we saw KKW rise to the top of the style game and create a new industry in her likeness, all while having the most fun!

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s • taekook aus thread
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taekook au;

when both get stood up by their dates at the same restaurant on the same night, high school rivals taehyung and jungkook end up reuniting; although both soon become interested in each other, they’re unsure if they can get over their rocky past

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@iAmTheWarax A brigadier general walks up to the clearing barrel at the ECP I’m manning in Iraq. He racks the slide, drops the magazine, puts the muzzle in the barrel and I yell, “STOP, GENERAL! Don’t pull that trigger!!”

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