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A lot happened yesterday. Let's break it all down on a timeline.
0600 Eastern: Paul Manafort calls 911, saying he thinks his morning coffee may taste like polonium. The operator replies "Bitch, you should've thought about that before you took that dirty money," and hangs up.
0600 Eastern: Paul Manafort calls 911, saying he thinks his morning coffee may taste like polonium. The operator replies "Bitch, you should've thought about that before you took that dirty money," and hangs up.
0645: George Papodopoulopoulooza knocks on Manafort's door. He brought donuts like every day since 5 Oct for no reason. Manafort sees 9-foot antenna poking from Poopodolomite's jacket & freaks out. "It's for my new iphone," says Porpoluffagus. "Fuckin AT&T network, right? Haha."
0705: Manafort's phone rings. He crawls out from under his bed to answer. A dry, stern voice on the other end says "I've never done this before, but I have to ask you, do you have Prince Albert in a can?" "What the fuck?" Manafort replies. "Is this Bob Mueller?"
"Should've thought about that before you took that dirty money, bitch," Mueller says, and hangs up.
0715: Rick Gates enters Manafort's home by the chimney, eyes big as saucers. "What the fuck?" Manafort asks. "There was a spider in the drain, Paul," Gates says. "It spoke in a Russian accent. It invited me to a dance hall in Brighton Beach."
0815: Gates and Manafort crawl out of a manhole on E Street. Manafort's lawyer materializes from a swarm of flies and they dash into the Hoover building under a hail of Makarov fire.
0845: The Poofaloopoulos papers are unsealed, including patent applications by FBI technical services that suggest Poppaloppadingdong's body has been replaced from the neck down with a mass of recording devices.
0910: The Greek embassy in the US files a formal complaint against me.
0930: The Hinton, Iowa civil air patrol reports a massive, unidentified flying object floating over the city.
0945: NORAD confirms that the object is Sam Clovis. Neil Degrasse Tyson and Bill Nye issue a joint statement advising that it appears Clovis has eaten all the incriminating evidence, as well as most of the remaining unindicted co-conspirators.
The resulting chemical reactions have turned him into a radioactive cloud half the size of Kansas. It's estimated that he's grown as much as 5% from his normal mass.
1020: Fishermen off the coast of Northern California report the appearance of a giant lizard rising from the ocean, muttering something in Japanese, translated as "bitches should have thought about this before they took that dirty money," and heading East.
