See that movie, 27 Dresses? That girl's got nothing on me. Mine was more than 27.
A. Be pretty.
B. Be slim/meet the bride's specs
C. No need to be friends with the bride. You can be hired.
D. Can afford very expensive lace wig.
E. Be single and come ready to slay.
From the start, I learnt that weddings are always full of drama.
I travelled to Owerri for the wedding & discovered that the bride had arranged for just one room for 8 bridesmaids in a rundown hotel.
8 girls. 1 room.
The bed had old, stained bedsheets.
The bed could only take three people. The 4th person had to sleep in the armchair.
I became de facto chief bridesmaid, bought and shared shawls. Shoulders covered.
Had to tear her veil and use it to cover the cleavage.
"Where do you think you're going to with that cooler? Are you mad? Come on, pug it down!"
All these screamed at the top of his lungs. I almost died of embarrassment.
Bride said her wedding was going to be shown in the Ovation Magazine. That asoebi was 40k each and we had to buy two different fabrics and gelés.
"Okay," she said with a sulk.
Madam bride saw me at church and gave me the gelé and ipele.
"Wear it, so you can feel among," she said.
I was surprised, said thank you and helped serve food and drinks to guests.
"Which money?" I asked.
Started shouting about how she tried to help me, so I wouldn't feel left out. Now I was repaying her good with evil.
I just left.
I learned a valuable lesson here. One that I didn't apply fast enough, because I had to learn it again and again.
This wedding is the reason I never pack money that's sprayed on the bride and groom.
I was in the middle of doing my duty, when the groom's brother showed up on the dance floor.
Then he began to yell.
"Who are you? Who told you to pack this money? Thief! Look at this hungry thing! GET OUT OF HERE!!!"
I I went to the bride, the one who gave me the power and authority 😂 She was dancing with her new husband.
"Babe, your brother in-law just embarrassed me. Didn't you tell them I'll be packing the money?"
"You, leave the money nah! Must you pack it? Or are you trying to cause trouble between my in-laws and I? Leave the money....it's not by force that you must pack it."
Just look at my life in the outside.
Never spoke to her again.
You would think that I'd learned my lesson from wedding 3. But no. Friendship was still worrying me.
Another friend asked me to pick up the cash sprayed at her wedding.
"Tell everyone that I'm the one packing money oooooo," I said, dragging my ear.
"Tell your husband and his people oooooo."
"Don't worry," she said. "I've informed everyone. It's just you and Esther that will pack my money."
We were set for dancing time.
From nowhere, this girl stepped out and asked Esther to hand over the bag of money she was holding.
"No way," said Esther. "Who are you?"
"Are you mad?" the girl snapped. "Come on, give me that bag!"
I was like:
Next thing I heard was....
The girl had slapped Esther.
Esther returned the slap!
Took the girl two seconds to realise it. Then she lunged for Esther.
A few groomsmen rushed to the floor and separated the two women. Esther was still hanging on to the bag of money.
"Give me that money," she yelled.
"I'm not giving you jack!" I retorted. "Who the heck are you to come barging int......"
I tell you, in that moment, I understood why Nollywood actors ask the question they do.
Because I honestly wanted to say, "You slapped me?"
In my shock, my grip on the money bag had slackened. Auntie Groom's Sister snatched the bag from my weak fingers.
My people, two persons no dey craze at the same time. Besides, I was so mortified on behalf of the couple.
I walked off into the sunset.
Actually, I went to the buffet, got a plate of Jollof rice and consoled myself
Or about Wedding 6, where the bride changed her mind at the doors of the church.
I wish I could tell you more. But my battery is at 2 percent & I'm no longer a bridesmaid 😂
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