Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

It could be filled with penises that would have birthed world changers, inventors, etc who would now never see the light of day

I answered Him pointing out where he should go. He thanked me and i was then faced with an arduous task.

How do I in a public,rowdy place like Ikeja carry out like the Rotracts have, the 4 way test to ensure intactness of my Something. How do i confirm the following without looking like a pervert- Is it still there? Has it shrunk? Are the balls still complete?

And the hardest of them all, like the biblical Dry bones can it rise again?. I managed to carry out three of the 4 way test, while my eyes were following the movement of the suspect religiously. Peradventure, like the Israelite in the bible, i had to pursue and recover all.

I left the last  test to my Lord who never fails because there was no real way of establishing its veracity.

I implore you, never for a moment think the unemployment figures are a farce. As I arrived the interview venue, it was a mini reunion of some sorts

Seniors who finished 40 years before you, old primary school friends, ex girlfriends who swore it’ll never be better for you, everyone was there and of course Progress was already there.

Gaddemit

After waiting over 5hours they eventually called progress and true to nature, they saw his face and said we’re tired. We’ll continue tomorrow

I asked myself can it get any worse? Progress, torn trouser, penis that may never rise. What else can happen?

I was answered in the bus

***********
Lagos buses have a life of their own. You meet different kind of people. Happy, sad, crazy, and perpetually angry as was the case with the guy (mugabe) who had barely stayed 10mins in the bus and had threatened to slap someone and kill another

“You know who I be?” He asked a woman he was trading words with.

“Your mama left nyash” he told another woman

“Stupid man” she replied

“Oga e don do na. No Dey exchange word with woman na. Do like man”

“lawyer without certificate mind yourself” he retorted

The melee the man was causing was so much that an old man told him in the nicest way to keep shut and allow peace reign. To which he replied “Na your children, your papa, mama and even Igwe for your village go keep shut”

GHEN GHEN

Some people don’t know when to stop. ONOS says “ Na last piss Dey stain boxers” he had gotten away with insulting everybody but him no look face before he insulted that old man.

Cos he had insulted the wrong person

The Old man looked scary. Albino, full white Afro hair, his face twitching every 5seconds, looking like the baba patience ozokwor visits to collect charm to kill her husbands second wife and children. His eyes seemed to seethe with rage but then he managed a wry smile

The baba who was standing in the molue, just touched his shoulder and told him “keep sitting eh! My son” to which my Mugabe replied “ remove your dirty hand from me Abeg”

Mile 2? The conductor enquired. People responded, mugabe the loudest. “No dare pass my bustop o!”

“Better no pass am make thunder no fire your mama boyfriend”

2mins later, at about 9pm, the bus arrived mile 2 and was thrown into chaos as mugabe realised he had become an item with his sit. He tried many times to get up to no avail.

Each time he tried,I died inside.

Forgossakes I was seating on the same chair. I tried to get up and something seemed to hold my shirt back. Ah! I didn’t try again Cos if I did and I was also glued, I would be gone too soon brethren.

I mean how does this juju thing really work?

Say I and somebody they sent thunder to fire are in a state of mekwe. Can the jazz separate me and fire only my partner? Does jazz know where to draw the line? Will it only work on the guys part of the seat or am I now among? Is jazz logical? I looked at the baba like but sir

Nobody made any move to beg the baba though we knew he was responsible. Especially not on behalf of the person that had caused so much trouble in the bus.

With each try to get up, mugabe’s faith waned while mine was long dead and in the tomb with no hope of resurrection.

He pleased for help in ibo Yoruba and even mandarin. Eventually people joined in and pleaded with baba who declared that he must bring the tail of a lion, teeth of a snake and hair of a snail. At least that’s what nollywood would have you believe all Baba’s demand

He stood up, plucked out a strand of hair from his head and asked him to swallow it. Then brought a ring from his pocket, gave him to kiss and then hit it on his head three times.

I’m there looking like baba try pluck another strand Abeg I too want to be free please na

Finally for freedom, he declared mugabe had to be slapped by 7 women who he pointed (4 of whom he had earlier insulted)

This women decided to be their brothers keepers in this case and summoned their inner de gea.

And oh! There was a catch to the slaps. He could not scream

If he screamed, baba declared, that would invalidate the slap in the eyes of the gods. We didn’t believe the gods needed slap to free him but as ONOS says “ when madman don pursue your mama before if she see mechanic Na she go first” run no time to ask question.

It began

A woman who he had commented that her head looked like a bicycle seat, stepped forward and landed what was a bicycle slap

👋 towaiiiiiii!!!

The slap resonated deep. Mugabe wanted to shout, wanted to call his ancestors but last minute baba held back like

👋 👋 tozaiiiiii
👋 👋 tawaiiiii

The slaps kept raining. The entire bus was laughing. Baba even had a wan smile on his face.

When it got to the last two women baba insisted it must be backhand slap.

Mugabe was dying. He wanted to call 911. He looked at them like pity me na?

After slap 7, he was asked to apologize to everyone. He did it looking like what we were like back in secondary school when after thrashing us mercilessly our maths teacher will tell us to tell him “ thank you Mr osike” amidst our sniffling and tears.

Baba lifted him up, promising him an even worse fate if he was ever rude to anyone again. He prostrated on the ground thanked baba and disappeared as the journey continued.

Maza maza? Owa! The response came from people in the bus. This was my bustop. I tried standing and no!

I tried one more time and heard a rip. Children of God praiseeeeee Chisos! I was free. My shirt has actually been stuck. If only I was wearing something as authentic as the wears sold by @_TheEmeka reach out to him for more info

I quickly jumped down from the bus, bought pure water and waited for 5minutes for my change. I then flagged down a bike to my house. Who do I see coming down from another bike in front of my compound?

The baba from the bus.

What again sir?

He was also walking into my compound. Also waiting for me was the cat Jenniffer. So Jenny in front baba at the back, me in hellfire asking devil why?
I had almost made the staircase when the baba called to me asking if I was the one in the bus beside mugabe.

Ermm

Before I could respond, came my Neigbour shouting “daddy!”

Ah I said it. It’s not ordinary hand they used to use and have cat as pet. Her father was a baba. See am?

They hugged and as they were going upstairs he winked and made a sign with his hand of silence to me

Hian! Am I a fool? Why will I talk? Do I know you sir? Abeg o. I had my bath and relaxed in the sitting room. As I turned the tv on there was a documentary on Mugabe. No need I had experienced him first hand today. I switched channels and it was a preaching

Titled dry bones shall rise again. I put my hands on my dry bone when the pastor asked to place hands on anywhere ailing us. At that same time, my phone rang “PROGRESS” what is it again Abeg? As if not enough I heard Jenniffer meow outside my window. Na wa village people pls na

Its okay for today please.

I ended Progress’ how tomorrow go be baba na me and you o call.

Turned off the tv and went to bed.

I had had enough for one day.

The End

With Love
Uncle Stephen

Join me same time next week on which happens to be my birthday(27th) I finally turn 18. Thanks for your support RT and kind messages inna the DM and TL. I’m still open for ads business and MC jobs of course. Visit my likes or the next tweet for more stories.

Cheers

Want more laughs? Then check here. A compilation of all my threads

External Tweet loading...
If nothing shows, it may have been deleted
by @itsunclestephen view original on Twitter