Thread by @SuperNerdMike

I ever tell y'all about the time me, & Jason, had to stop @SuperNerdCate from summoning the wrong Elder God at her cousin's wedding?

So we just left Optimus' house with four gallons of sweet tea, & an old injun blanket. That's when I got a call from Cate, saying that she might need some help at her cousin's wedding if something terrible were to happen.

I immediately got worried.
"We don't have clothes."

"That's okay! It's just my cousin's wedding, she's having it at the Chick Fa Le!"

"So, uh, so what time is it."

"Oh about four hours from now."

"Can, we uh, bug you for a ride then, we're kinda-"

"Sure! I'll meet you there."

I'm pretty certain I didn't tell her where we were

Nevertheless, she pulled up to the road me & Jason were walking down in an old Toyota Camry with a goat sticking its head out the back window.

"Cate? What's with the goat?"

"Oh her name is Boudica. She's going to be important."

"Important for what, Cate?"

"Oh you know, stuff"

I sighed, glad my allergies weren't going to be a problem. Jason took to sitting in the back with the goat, me in the front because that's the only place I could reasonably expect to fit into a Toyota Camry.

"I got both your clothes prepared for the ritual!"

"R-ritual."

"I meant the wedding. Weddings are a ritual, right?"

"Cate."

"It's going to be fine, you'll see."

She had incense burning inside the vehicle, likely in an attempt to mask the smell of Boudica, while cutesie music played.

We drove for half an hour to this Chick-Fa-Le.

Jason had become friends with Boudica during the trip, & my earworm was never going to forget half the music she played during the whole trip.

Still, the sight of a Chick Fa Le we welcome because half a gallon of sweet tea does a number on the bladder.

"I'll get your clothes!"

After draining out my bladder, I came out to see that there were a number of vehicles pulling in, & Cate was over in the play place with a hunk of charcoal, Boudica, a box full of half melted candles, & a bucket of salt.

She was humming happily while drawing lines, & symbols.

"Cate."

"Oh, here's your clothes!"

She stood up, & tossed me a purple robe from bed, bath, & beyond, clearly from the beyond section as it too had symbols needle worked into the cloth.

I donned it, looking over to see Jason had already put his on, & was baby talking the goat.

I recognized only about half of the symbols she was drawing into the floor of the play place. Half of the ones I recognized were protection symbols, while the other half were for redirection.

"Cate?"

"Don't worry, I got it all planned out, you'll see. Take a seat."

So I sat, strumming the side of the gun/sports bag, while Jason told the goat about his time in Afghanistan, where we helped Shimille save the entire Swedish Bikini Team from the Taliban, which also involved a herd of goats, & some quick timing.

The goat wasn't impressed.

It took her about an hour but she got all the symbols written down on the floor of the play place.

I took stock of her other supplies. A curved knife, a bunch of robes in kids size, one more for herself. A leather bound book whose surface was crawling like the damned. A towel.

"Cate?"

"I know what I'm doing, don't worry, I can get my vengeance, & no one important will have to die."

"Cate, are you sure you know what you're doing."

"I can get this under control."

"Cate, can you control this?"

"We'll be fine!"

"Cate this is dangerous."

I realized we were talking backwards, or that she was able to see the future about ten seconds ahead.

I hoped for the former while preparing for the latter.

More of her family had arrived, & immediately Cate was put on Taking Care of the Chitluns Duty.

She gave each a robe.

The minister arrived, & soon after, Cate's immediate family. Her mother, two young boys, & a scrawny old man who looked like he spat on babies for a living.

I saw her hands clench, & I mentally counted how many box of shells I was going to use before the day was over.

The happy couple arrived, & were just about to get their stuff read. Cate had absconded with her brothers, & got all the kids annoited with the robes, salt, & what I later learned was goats blood.

While the couple were being married, Cate lead the kids in a dirge.

"Repeat after me, kids! We call your blessings, little one, I A I A O"

"NYARLETHOTEP, all of us call, I A I A O"

"Fng'gla'thu here, fng'gla'thu there, tzk'caz'ik'maz'tu, everywhere fng'gla'thu"

"We call your blessings little one, I A, I A O"

Then she had them repeat his name.

I noticed the problem immediately.

"Cate."

"Not now, I'm summoning vengeance."

"Okay that's great, & everything,"

"No, I have it under control!.. Oh."

"Cate, you're going to lose control of this because while you're asking for Nyarlethotep, those kids are asking for.."

Let's step back a bit:
Everyone is aware of the elder gods. In fact, this is a good thing because those bizarre indescribable horrors all become more powerful the less people know about them. HP Lovecraft knew this

What everyone didn't know is they all became weebs to diversify.

Boudica exploded into a mass of pink and green tentacles that roughly approximated the shape of the spawn of the one of the weeb elder gods, & HER indescribable spawn: Nyahlethotep, the Catgirl in Pink.

"Oh no." Cate said, as I struggled to describe the creature I saw.

The pink fleshed catgirl was cyclopean, eldritch, squamous, indescribable, unnameable, blasphemous, hideous, fainting in its scope, antiquarian in its horror, made of a singular madness, its accursed face full of a loathsome hatred for the living, and small animals.

"Don't forget water-headed, small-mouthed, beetle-eyed, and with hips that are out of place on a twelve year old," Jason would always remind me after this event.

"Damn it, damn it, damn it," I was only able to put out as the catgirl went to town on the attendees.

Flesh went everywhere as the catgirl's bizarre tentacled appendages tore through the procession as screams tore out amongst the crowd. I was just about to go for our shotguns when Jason said, "Mike, Mike, you have to establish dominance over the catgirl. Grab that injun blanket."

I grabbed the Indian blanket, & put it on one shoulder as I took the totem pose to establish dominance over the catgirl.

I spread my arms wide, stared straight forward at her, & held the totem pose.
And waited.

Me & Jason knew that if it didn't work all those kids would die.

Symbols of protection only work against the entity they were planned for.
And Nyahlethotep, while technically also Nyarlethotep, could rules lawyer her spawn around the symbols and then devour everyone alive in this Chick Fa Le.

I awaited, as the spawn approached me.

She looked at me curiously, and batted a tentacle at me to try and get me to leave the pose. It struck the Indian blanket instead, leaving no wounds as it bounced off.

I held the pose, continuing to establish dominance over the catgirl. She meowed in annoyance. Gurgled, really.

Finally, after a moment, she shrunk into the shape of a large grey tuxedo cat, and glared up at me in annoyance. I knelt to let the cat into my arms, and picked up the swishing tailed monstrousity. "Your name will be Sally," I declared, locking her in that form as he I held her.

Unfortunately for Cate, most of her family survived, as well as that scrawny ugly man from before. Jason was patting her on the back while I held the cat carefully.

"Damn it, I just wanted him to die." "He'll go soon enough. Don't worry," Jason said, as she wept.

So Cate gave us the ritual knife, Jason the book, and she bought our supper.

I took the cat away (not before Sally cursed the scrawny man with elder cat's claw fever).
And then we were on our way to Georgia.

That was gonna be a hell of a time, I think.

I couldn't get the goat stink off of me, however, for days.

Fuck goats, man.