1. Hello and welcome! It’s episode 214 of #MrMrsBetterHalf. Mr. & Mrs Better Half is designed to strengthen marriages & relationships that will lead to marriage, with wisdom from God's Word. 
2. If you missed the last episode, we discussed the topic- “What do you do if you find out the person you are dating is impotent or sterile?” If you missed it, get it here bit.ly/2o7IufL #MrMrsBetterHalf.
3. This week’s situation is one I’ve been asked to speak to quite a few times. “I’ve tried to forgive my wife for cheating but the problem is I can’t forget. I always imagine her with the other man and it’s driving me crazy. Help! ” #MrMrsBetterHalf
4. Societally it is often easier for men to get away with infidelity while the woman is judged more harshly for it. It is this inequity that sometimes makes some men feel that forgiving a cheating wife is unforgivable. That’s just pride talking. #MrMrsBetterHalf
5. People erroneously think that it is easier for a woman to forgive infidelity than it is for a man. “After all women are gentler and more nurturing. They can absorb the pain more easily and move on.” That’s nonsense. #MrMrsBetterHalf
6. We must remember that we are more than our genders; we are spirits. The ability to forgive has nothing to do with your gender but your spirit. If you are a child of God then you have the capacity to forgive like God forgives. Period. #MrMrsBetterHalf
7. So this episode is a challenge to everyone, male and female. Don't let societal or gender biases cloud your minds. Let’s focus on the issues and try to solve the real problems so we can build successful relationships. #MrMrsBetterHalf
8. Now when a spouse cheats, it’s often said that you will go through something similar to the 5 stages of grief because something died in your home… and that thing is trust. True reconciliation is not an easy process. #MrMrsBetterHalf
9. When a person loses a loved one, psychologists say one goes through a cycle that goes from denial to anger to bargaining, to depression and finally acceptance. I think people who have to deal with a cheating spouse go through a similar cycle. #MrMrsBetterHalf
10. Going through the journey from betrayal to reconciliation is a tough one and like the man in this question is experiencing, it is not as easy as saying, ‘I forgive you, let’s move on.’ There are emotions to battle and demons to conquer. #MrMrsBetterHalf
11. As much as one would like it to be possible, you are unlikely to ever forget that your spouse cheated. However, you want to get to the point where the memory of that occurrence doesn’t cause pain or influence your treatment of your spouse. #MrMrsBetterHalf
12. My first question today is: how did you come to the point of deciding to give your spouse another chance? Did you actually engage a healing process or did you sweep it under the carpet and try to pretend it never happened? #MrMrsBetterHalf
13. The latter approach though seems easier, it is not sustainable. It doesn’t work. A covered wound only festers. The unspoken issues will never be resolved and your trust will never be fully restored. It’s better to go through the pain of treatment. #MrMrsBetterHalf
14. The fact that you are still plagued by imaginations of your spouse with the other man/woman shows that you are not quite through your own cycle of grief and healing such that you would be able to let the pain of the betrayal go. #MrMrsBetterHalf
15. So, first of all, you need to acknowledge that you are still hurt and that the pain in your heart is not allowing you to fully reconcile with your spouse. You need the capacity to fully forgive your spouse and right now you aren’t there yet. #MrMrsBetterHalf
16. There are two things that lead to total healing: a commitment to rebuild trust and time. The truth is that time only works when your story is being re-written. If you are not rebuilding trust, time will have no real effect. #MrMrsBetterHalf
17. This is why there are couples that 10 years after still feel the pain of betrayal and strongly as they did in their first year. Time has passed but trust was not being rebuilt. So how do you rebuild trust? First cry out for help. #MrMrsBetterHalf
18. I cannot overemphasize the need to get 3rd party help when you go through a trauma like infidelity. Emotions are messed up, tensions are high, feelings are hurt and your ability to be rational is compromised. #MrMrsBetterHalf
19. You need an independent, qualified party that can help you wade through the mess so that you can come out on the other side. It’s hard to open up to external parties and it takes vulnerability and trust but it is worth it in the end. #MrMrsBetterHalf
20. Next, as you go through the process you should come to a point where you are certain that your spouse is truly repentant. For some people what hinders them from truly forgiving their spouses is that they feel they’re not really sorry. #MrMrsBetterHalf
21. If your spouse is not really sorry or is only sorry that he or she was caught, now that is a different situation altogether. But if he or she has shown signs of true regret and you still doubt his or her genuineness you need to check yourself. #MrMrsBetterHalf
22. This is a dangerous place to be because many times what you want is really vengeance, not repentance. You want your spouse to feel the pain that he or she inflicted on you. So no apology feels sincere enough. But this is anti-productive. #MrMrsBetterHalf
23. Vengeance is an attack that will further weaken your relationship. Imagine that your marriage is a wall that a boulder just hit. The wall cracked but was not completely broken and the engineers are trying to fix it. All is not yet lost. #MrMrsBetterHalf
24. Vengeance is a boulder that deals a massive blow to an already weak wall that can crumble it completely. Damage control is no longer an option; you have to demolish the building and start afresh. Vengeance seems sweet at first but the cost is very high. #MrMrsBetterHalf
25. You need to believe that your spouse is sorry because that is what helps you change the narrative that is playing in your mind. It’s time to accept that your spouse is also hurting. It is time to accept that apology and set him or her free. #MrMrsBetterHalf
26. If you are the spouse that cheated, this is a good point to pull out a grand gesture. Plan a trip, buy your spouse something extravagant or do something he or she has always wanted to do. Show that you’re thankful for the second chance. #MrMrsBetterHalf
27. Next, in rebuilding trust, it is important that you both are clear on where the other parties feature in your spouse’s life. Have they broken off ties completely? No more calls, texts, emails or meetings? This is crucial. #MrMrsBetterHalf
28. You must also build your own agreed boundaries. When building boundaries, build for the two of you, not just for the spouse that cheated. The boundaries should not be a punishment but rather as protection for the two of you. #MrMrsBetterHalf
29. You are not infallible nor are you superhuman. You could have been the one who fell at a weak moment, so have that in mind when erecting boundaries. They are to keep both of you safe and you must both abide to them. #MrMrsBetterHalf
30. Now when it comes to your mind, this is a battlefield. You cannot keep imagining your spouse in bed with someone else… you will drive yourself crazy. Refuse to dwell on the thought when it flashes through your mind. Push it away. #MrMrsBetterHalf
31. You have to force-feed your mind with a different picture. When thinking of your spouse, think about things that are pure, noble, and of good report. Think of their good qualities and not their failings. Separate the failure from him or her. #MrMrsBetterHalf
32. You are not your failures. Failure is just an event. So also your spouse is not defined by the incident of infidelity. Change your mental picture of him or her. This will take time and commitment but it definitely works! #MrMrsBetterHalf
33. Deliberately build new memories. Celebrate milestones. Court each other all over again. Go on dates. When you’ve had a great day, week, or even a good conversation, celebrate it. Celebrate your recovery. #MrMrsBetterHalf
34. Finally, trust God to perfect your healing. Ideally, if you are a Christian, you should have involved Him from the very start- right from the time that you were broken. God in His compassion will be with you while you grieve and while you heal. #MrMrsBetterHalf
35. You want to ensure that as you rebuild your marriage you rebuild it on principles of unconditional love and faith in God and each other. With God as your partner, your threefold chord will not be broken. #MrMrsBetterHalf
36. I hope this has been helpful. This September we will deal with relationship issues for singles, couples, people who are separated, widowed or single parents LIVE at all our centres @elevationng @tecmainland @lifepointeng. Do join us if you are in Lagos. #MrMrsBetterHalf
37. Till then, thank you for following, participating and RTing. May your marriages and relationships be sweet! #MrMrsBetterHalf
