Thread by @pptsapper

Well. It's been a week.

So I'm gonna slam some gin and watch The Last Jedi here in about half an hour or so.

Prepare yourselves

Oh, for the new folks on here, this means I'm going to get drunk and live tweet The Last Jedi. I've given every other Star Wars movie this treatment so it's about time to hit this one

Ok. Let's do this thing.

The Last Jedi.

Or as I call it "wanna be ESB but is incapable of it

We open with logisiticians arguing over what to evacuate

Figures

Ah, the usual Imperial problems of having a massive ego and getting played by a single seater light fighter

Also who the fuck designs a massive dreadnought that doesn't have adequate AA abilities & relies on support air

Sad

Aaaaaand now we see what happens when you disobey a direct order AND TRY TO RUN FUCKING B17S IN A DAYLIGHT RUN OVER FORTRESS EUROPE BECAUSE THATS WHAT THIS IS

seriously, 8th Air Force eat your heart out

SEND YOUR FIGHTERS OUT TO SCREEN OH FFS

Just drop the gorram bombs anywhere on the surface of the carrier oh ffs no of course they're waiting for the bridge

Aaaaaand what a great way to lose an entire bomber fleet because SOME PEOPLE REFUSE TO LEARN ANYTHING OTHER THAN LINEAR ATTACK FORMATIONS jesus these people

That was basically Midway but if the US had only managed to get one Japanese ship

Anyhoo

Glad to see Snoke is a fan of "discipline & humiliate in public, don't do anything in private" just like Vader

Aaaaaand now we meet Sulky Luke

Sulky Luke is even more Sulky than Angsty Luke from Ep IV

Yet more First Order officers seeing Kylo smashing things and realizing they're gonna have to be witness for a FLIPL and hating everything in the world

Alien boob milk is an apt metaphor for this movie

Weird and kinda disappointing while also fascinating

Holy shit a Jedi who realizes that jedi are the worst mentors and teachers ever. Only took a gazillion generations of bad decisions and lies

Oh hey now it's time for "three X-Wings vs the First Order" because the Resistance can't pay for the upkeep of a dispersed fleet of diverse fighter/bomber/escort craft BUT SOMEHOW HAS A BUNCH OF HOSPITAL FRIGATES

seriously their tooth to tail ratio is just fucked

Also why do Rebel/Resistance frigayes NEVER GET AAA COVERAGE WHO THE FUCK JUST LETS THREE FIGHTERS GO RIGHT THROUGH omg these idiots deserve literally every bad thing that happens to them in this movie

And now the moment where we were all like "oh, so that's how she goes...that doesn't seem right...oh...what...she's...flying....what the fuck"

I mean she's Leia and fuck anyone who badmouths her but seriously that was weird

Look I'm not crying you're crying at the R2 hologram of Leia

Also pour some out for poor Acky

It was always a trap, sir

Always

Holdo at least understands preserving your force, GW style

She also doesn't understand personnel management

Poe doesn't understand...much

Between the two of them

The Resistance is pretty well screwwwweeed

Finn and Rose: maintenance and sanitation heroes to the rescue

Meanwhile, Poe is acting like Han without being Han which is just a recipe for disaster

Kylo Ren is obviously way more chill with weird visions than Rey is

Ok so time for the interlude in a casino which makes ZERO SENSE and doesn't further the plot but okay let's hit it

First off, Finn and Rose just CANNOT blend

Ugh this bit has echoes of prequels

Like, this entire bit needs to be cut entirely because it literally adds FUCKING NOTHINF TO this plotline

Hang on, refill break

Because Lord knows this movie needs more alcohol

When they were making it, when I'm watching it, on all ends

Ok we're back at it again with more of the alcohol

"Han was Han about it" is the most accurate line of this movie

Who the hell puts their security forces in CAPES

But hey at least their blasters have stocks and scopes

And now a Chase through the streets of Dubrovnik, for some reason

It's time for shirtless Kylo Ren and trippy Rey time

ALL THE ACID YOU GUYS

omg JEDI HAND SEX YOU GUYS THATS HOW THEY DO IT

Ol Uncle Luke don't like it when the kids play Jedi Hands

God it has to be annoying when the old Jedi just show up for funsies

Like, no Jedi can have a chill moment because someone of the olds is showing up like "yo I could do it better"

Yoda showing up for one final lecture is just too rich

I mean, it's not like he managed to destroy the entire jedi order OH WAIT HE DID AND THEN LIED TO LUKE ABOUT PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING

Wait how did the falcon get so close to the fleet without being intercepted and how many people are working on that databank on that First Order thingy and why is the Resistance just the worst at mission command

Man, the Jedi/Sith/First Order are super creepily obsessed with youth

Young Rey

Young Skywalker

Young aka omg if we don't get kids we're gonna straight die and we can't yield power to literally any one else

Captain Phasma...only an O6 would think of that silly armor design

Yeah, I said it

omg you gotta think about those Stormtroopers that are like "wTAF am I doing in formation for the execution of deserters, AGAIN, I could be in my bunk"

IF

THE

JUMP

TO

LIGHT

SPEED

DESTROYS

ANYTHING

IN

ITS

PATH

ALL

THE

OTHER

MOVIES'

PLOTS

ARE

IRRELEVANT

GAHHHHHHHHHH I HATE A DEUS EX MACHINA

ooooh a mounted automatic blaster

Wait if Finn has an electric weapon then shouldn't it be frying Phasma in her METAL SUIT

this movie and physics do not get along

And now we enter Hoth 2.0 except without much firepower

But with similar tactics. Linear fucking defenses. Again. Air sortie over the top. Again.

YOU GUYS EVER HEAR OF HITTING THE FLANKS AND TACTICAL DISPERSION omg Finn just said keep it tight NO THIS IS WHERE YOU SPREAD OUT

In the Battle of the Red Velvet Cupcake Planet, the Resistance fails to provide multiple options and multiple dilemmas to the First Order which results in them sucking badly until the Falcon comes in to save the day again because goddam we love that ship SO MUCH

"we're taking heavy losses" says the Resistance battle captain, which is basically the only line any Rebel/Resistance battle captain ever has

That and "we've lost contact with Skywalker/Dameron"

Ugh all the saltiness in me still doesn't stop the fucking FEELS at Leia and Luke's last meeting

The look that Hux gives Ren as he's raving about shooting Luke is the look every NCO gives an officer when they say some dumbass thing like loving the smell of napalm in the morning

It only just clicked that Luke's "see ya around, kid" parting blast is a Han line

Ok that bit was perfect

But I'm still pissed that Luke just fades away

Well that's over

Look

All I'm saying is

If they kill Leia off in the next movie by blowing her up on the Falcon

Imma come unglued

Oh and we'd better see the broom kid again too

Damn I'm running low on gin