Having opened Pandora’s box with my over-share a few days ago, I thought I’d bookend it before closing the lid.
If you missed Part I, it can be found here. This may make less sense without it.
This may be a bumpy ride. Bear w me.
1/
If you missed Part I, it can be found here. This may make less sense without it.
This may be a bumpy ride. Bear w me.
1/
Since writing that first thread, my father died.
On my son’s birthday.
I’ll spare you the play-by-play of calls made and received, conversations had, etc.
These are just things that happened.
2/
On my son’s birthday.
I’ll spare you the play-by-play of calls made and received, conversations had, etc.
These are just things that happened.
2/
You never know how news like this will hit you but for me the feeling was just a settling calm.
The story of my life as my father’s son has long been closed.
It’s a dusty hardcover I’ve read and reread.
His passing is less a new chapter than an end note.
3/
The story of my life as my father’s son has long been closed.
It’s a dusty hardcover I’ve read and reread.
His passing is less a new chapter than an end note.
3/
My father was an alcoholic. I am the child of an alcoholic.
That’s a disclosure I long ago robbed of its power by simply deciding to do so. A thing that accrues to no shame deserves no secrecy.
I spent my childhood weekends sequestered with an alcoholic. It was toxic.
4/
That’s a disclosure I long ago robbed of its power by simply deciding to do so. A thing that accrues to no shame deserves no secrecy.
I spent my childhood weekends sequestered with an alcoholic. It was toxic.
4/
I now realize how much of my parenting was shaped by those experiences.
I am a purposeful opposite in many ways.
I am reliable and steady. I come through.
I nurture and tend.
I model sacrifices as the voluntary decisions made by someone who wants to make them.
5/
I am a purposeful opposite in many ways.
I am reliable and steady. I come through.
I nurture and tend.
I model sacrifices as the voluntary decisions made by someone who wants to make them.
5/
My son is emotionally healthier than I was at his age.
I was a survivor. I coped and managed.
He’s resilient. He adapts and adjusts.
I was hyper-vigilant. He’s intuitive but not as a means of survival.
I got through my childhood. He lives his as a regular kid.
6/
I was a survivor. I coped and managed.
He’s resilient. He adapts and adjusts.
I was hyper-vigilant. He’s intuitive but not as a means of survival.
I got through my childhood. He lives his as a regular kid.
6/
This birthday was all of that in one single scene.
My son and I had time together, just the two of us, and spoke of some of this. How much I love being his father. How much that means to me.
He knows all of this. I tell him anyway.
7/
My son and I had time together, just the two of us, and spoke of some of this. How much I love being his father. How much that means to me.
He knows all of this. I tell him anyway.
7/
And then we had a long, fun night with family.
At one point, I stepped out into the other room and listened to my son laughing with his aunts and grandmother.
The house was alive with the relaxed, happy noise of people who love each other. It was what happiness sounds like.
8/
At one point, I stepped out into the other room and listened to my son laughing with his aunts and grandmother.
The house was alive with the relaxed, happy noise of people who love each other. It was what happiness sounds like.
8/
I sat and listened while thinking how very much it reminded me of an old Bruce Springsteen song.
“I’m standing in the backyard
Listening to the party inside
Tonight, I’m drinking in the forgiveness
This life provides”
9/
“I’m standing in the backyard
Listening to the party inside
Tonight, I’m drinking in the forgiveness
This life provides”
9/
The person I am today is far more a father than a son.
One story closed. Another, happier one goes on.
It already has.
10/
One story closed. Another, happier one goes on.
It already has.
10/
Today, I took my son and three of his friends to an arcade.
In my camera roll is a video clip taken from a distance:
My son and his buddies silhouetted by the light of a massive screen howling as they played together.
11/
In my camera roll is a video clip taken from a distance:
My son and his buddies silhouetted by the light of a massive screen howling as they played together.
11/
It joins an endless number of other little clips like that.
My son laughs and calls them “total cringe” but he knows what they are.
They’re the scrapbook of his childhood.
Savored moments special to me not because they’re momentous but because they’re so very ordinary.
12/
My son laughs and calls them “total cringe” but he knows what they are.
They’re the scrapbook of his childhood.
Savored moments special to me not because they’re momentous but because they’re so very ordinary.
12/
Being a father is the role I was meant to play. It is a joyful calling.
I knew I felt that way. In my father’s passing, I now better understand why.
I’m standing in the backyard listening to the party inside and I’m drinking in the forgiveness this life provides.
13/13
I knew I felt that way. In my father’s passing, I now better understand why.
I’m standing in the backyard listening to the party inside and I’m drinking in the forgiveness this life provides.
13/13
