Thousands of people* have** asked for a more comprehensive understanding of my Hot Fruit is Disgusting stance. I shall provide one now, in this thread.
*no one
**has
*no one
**has
Point the first: fruit is delicious, filled with sugar, and edible the moment it is harvested from a bush, tree, plant, what have you. There is no reason to cook it, or heat it up, and when you do, it becomes less delicious.
Point the second: there is a pedagogical tyranny in this country that associates hot fruit with patriotism -- Apple Pie is the flag is baseball is mom is America. Eating hot fruit is a Nationalistic requirement. Were it not, more people would admit that apple pie is gross.
Point the third: When people say they love hot fruit pies and cobblers, mostly what they are saying is the love the buttery crust and the pounds of (unnecessarily added) sugar and cream. The fruit -- naturally delicious -- has been reduced to "filler" status. It's insulting.
Point the fourth: hot fruit doesn't taste good and you all know it. Cold peaches are better than hot peaches. Cold blueberries are better than hot blueberries. Cold fruit requires no whipped cream, ice cream, sugar, crust, or anything to be amazing. Hot fruit does. Ipso facto...
But now here's the real point I need to make*, because it goes right to the heart of what people THINK is the winning argument against my righteous and morally correct stance on this matter. It came up again in the PosCast yesterday.
*none of these points needs to be made
*none of these points needs to be made
"But Mike," says everyone, "you love peanut butter and jelly [sic]* sandwiches. What is jelly if not fruit THAT HAS BEEN HEATED UP AND COOKED?!"
*the [sic] here is because I prefer jam; yes, I understand that we use "jelly" to mean all variants of fruit-based spreads
*the [sic] here is because I prefer jam; yes, I understand that we use "jelly" to mean all variants of fruit-based spreads
This argument is always presented to be as the *coup de main* that will surely do me in, force me to see the error of my ways -- as if I, a person obsessed with both exposing the moral failings of Hot Fruit and also PB&J had never intellectually examined the contradiction. Fools.
I ask you this, fools: Do you use utensils when you eat? You do? Then you must also love holding molten metals in your hands, correct? After all, there is no difference between cold steel and hot liquid steel.
That beautiful piece of blown glass you got on vacation -- so pretty. Why do you not also have a collection of hot molten glass, heated to 2800 degrees Fahrenheit, on your coffee table? Is it not the same?
My beef is not with *cooked* fruit, friends. It is with *hot* fruit. The shirt I endorse does not say "Cooked Fruit is Disgusting," it says "Hot Fruit is Disgusting."
If you think fruit -- any fruit -- tastes better when you eat it hot, you are fooling yourself. You are being manipulated by Big Pie. You are a tool of the trillion-dollar Hot Fruit industry, and its lackey mouthpieces: @JPosnanski, @keithlaw, and others.
Join me in the glorious light of knowledge. Admit to yourselves what you've always known, deep down, was true: eating hot fruit is gross. It is pointless. You are ruining something beautiful and perfect for no reason.
*Hot Fruit is Disgusting.*
cb.plus/greatdebate
*Hot Fruit is Disgusting.*
cb.plus/greatdebate
One addendum: if you put pineapple on pizza you are a dangerous lunatic who deserves solitary confinement in a SuperMax prison for 99 consecutive 99-year sentences.
