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Welcome to Ikea. There are over ten thousand honored dead entombed within our walls, guarded by the twin horrors of the Graüntisglr and the Klaivaxx.
Welcome to Ikea. We have some tasteful new pieces in the bedroom section. Between them stalks the whispering Yrûge. Ten tasks will he give you. Ten lies will he speak. The hapless and the slow are collected into his basket of briars.
Welcome to Ikea. Should you hear the patter of tiny feet behind you in the children’s section, do not turn around. The Hïewwikkitt will mimic the sound of a child to prey upon your sympathies. It will beg you for food. Do not feed it. Do not listen to it. Do not think about it.
Welcome to Ikea. Now with garden decor! Upon the gnarled branches of the Jöchenbrauch tree, an old laughing crone with the eyes of an owl perches. Walk beneath her with a bowl of fresh milk three times and drink it to receive a horrifying vision of the future.
Welcome to Ikea. In the event of an emergency, do not use the middle stairs. There are far more steps than they appear and they will take you to the lair of the Släjjäkyng, whose throne is made of the severed ears of those who found comfort in his empty promises.
okay we’re out of ikea now
