,
21 tweets,
3 min read
Read on Twitter
There has been a very sly rat living in my workshop lately. 1
It was hard to even know he was there. He hid his tracks well, and didn’t leave rat poop around. But I knew he was here. 2
I set traps for him. Snap traps. Electric traps. Three different brands of electric traps (trying to find the best one). Different baits. Nothing. He laughed at all my traps. 3
Somebody suggested dried apricots for bait, and my wife bought a package of them for me. I put one in each of the electric traps. On the trigger of the snap traps. Nothing. 4
BTW, we NEVER, EVER use poison. We love our cats and all the many raptors far too much to ever use or condone the use of rat poison. 5
But, I thought, maybe a full-sized dried apricot is too big for Mr. Smart Rat. So I cut it into tiny little pieces and tossed them on the floor, in front of an electric trap. After a couple of days I noticed that the apricot bits were gone! 6
No amount of apricot bits could persuade that rat to enter the dark, deadly tunnel of the electric rat zapper trap. 7
So, I put one of those vicious Victor-Brand snap traps on the floor in the corner and sprinkled the floor around it with apricot bits. The trap was NOT armed. 8
Every morning I’d find the apricot bits gone, and every evening I’d add new bits, getting closer to the trap, still not armed. 9
Slowly, I was gaining the rat’s confidence. Finally, two mornings in a row, the apricot bits that had been spread liberally across the unarmed trap’s trigger plate the night before, were gone. 10
So last night, I set the trap. You gotta be careful. The rat traps are big and powerful and you’ll lose a finger if you get it wrong. Like before, the trigger was strewn with sweet, tasty apricot bits, but this time, it had a deadly center. 11
This morning, I came out to the shop with my morning coffee and took a look. No rat. No apricot bits. BUT NO TRAP EITHER!! 12
You are supposed to tie the trap to a chair leg or something so the rat doesn’t drag it off to his lair. I neglected to do that and now there is one pissed off rat lurking somewhere in my shop with a trap around its…parts. What do I do now? 13
Now I need to find his lair and dig him out of it before he dies in it and starts to stink up the place. But he might be as big as a sofa and he’s definitely pissed off at me. 14
Years ago, at a wine-soaked dinner table in Tuscany, I met a French entrepreneur who made his fortune with rat bait. He said that the secret was understanding that rats are symbiotes with humans. That is, rats eat what their people eat. 15
He formulated different baits for different regions. He said in Germany, he laced his bait with lard. In Italy, he used tomatoes. I’m not saying this guy was right, but maybe. 16
Here’s the sound track:
Living in the country means living with wild animals. Everything constructed in the country is either exposed to rain, wind, and rust, or you’ve just created habitat for wild animals. You learn that the boundaries of your living spaces are more flexible than you might prefer. 18
Oh, rat! Oh, Mr. Rat! Where are you? 19
Whoa! Just heard a noise underneath the welding table. Sounded like a small wooden board banging on metal. 20
And what do you know, here is Mr. Smart Rat with his neck in a trap. There’s a bucket of deep water waiting for you outside. He had a good life, then one bad day. 21 
