Thread by @DmitryOpines

1/ - Dmitry's Guide To Writing A No-Deal Is Project Fear Article -

Are you a Tory Lord who once had to share a cab with a Hungarian?
An Oxbridge chancer who wants to be on telly?

Just write an article about No-Deal being "Project Fear."

How? This guide can help!

2/ You want to open strong. I suggest opening by taking the position of those concerned about No-Deal to well beyond wild hyperbole.

"Project Fear would have you believe No-Deal will mean the Cthulu will rise from the depths and devour Albion in a tide of madness and despair!"

3/ Next, you want to dismiss everyone who disagrees with you as shills for Remain, the European Union or better and more inexplicably yet, Jeremy Corbyn.

After all only you, Mr Tory Peer and Deputy Chairman of Leave Means Leave, are TRULY impartial on this issue.

4/ Since the people who disagree with you include Her Majesty's Civil Service, the @The_IoD, @CBItweets, most trade experts not named Singham, and most economists not named Minford, you'll want to avoid naming them all.

Just a blanket dismissal of "Remoaners" should do it.

5/ You'll then want to wade into the trade implications. You'll be completely out of your depth here, but don't let that dissuade you from weighing in on policies that impact millions of people.

You studied classics at Oxford. You've got this.

6/ A good opening gambit is that the UK's trade is growing faster with non-EU countries.

Sure, that logic assumes I'm a better golf prospect than Tiger Woods because I'm improving faster than he is... but you get to use percentages and fractions which make you sound totes smart.

7/ Next, you'll want to say something about the stranglehold of EU regulations and protectionism on UK business.

Under no circumstances go into specifics here. This shouldn't be a problem because let's face it, you don't know any.

8/ To add an extra spicy slice of platitude salami to your already juicy nonsense sandwich, vaguely allude to the infinite promise of future trade deals.

Don't specify with whom, on what, or requiring which sacrifices from the UK. That kind of detail is for nerds, not patriots.

9/ Cite the Japanese invitation for the UK to apply to join the TPP like joining is a done deal.

Sure it's a grueling 11 way negotiation with dubious prospects, but the record of Leave hardliners on predicting the "easiest trade deal in history" is so good Why not take a punt?

10/ Now you'll need to tackle "Chaos at Dover." This might seem scary, but don't worry there's a foolproof approach.

Just assume everyone from business associations, the RHA, HMRC and all customs experts are lying, but accept uncritically vague platitudes from any foreigner.

11/ Did a French regional governor with no authority over customs say he hopes it will all work out? BOOM! Project fear is dead.

The majority shareholder in the Eurostar say they'll do their best? Take that, Remoaners!

12/ If their actual statements aren't good enough for you, just take them wildly out of context.

After all, the French pledging not to actively shut down the Eurotunnel for no reason is the same as an assurance there won't be disruption, right?

13/ Time to ride your unicorn to Northern Ireland.

Careful here, because it's a bit of a fine line. You have to simultaneously imply that @BorderIrish is easily solvable with unspecified "alternative arrangements" and unsolvable, leaving the UK trapped in the backstop forever.

14/ Feel free to also patronizingly dismiss a volatile region of immense historical complexity as a non-issue or one invented by the EU to hold the UK hostage.

I mean, Harrison Ford stopped Brad Pitt at the end of The Devil's Own, right? How difficult could the situation be?

15/ At this point, you'll want to pivot back to soaring rhetoric.

Don't be afraid to diminish the sacrifice of soldiers and the war dead by invoking their sacrifices. Opposition to the Nazis IS exactly the same as not wanting to make banana regulations collaboratively.

16/ Also, don't think about any of your analogies too deeply. You weren't actually paying attention in Classics, right? You were busy sucking up to the kid whose dad could contribute seed capital to your investment fund!

Feel free to invoke Carthage, the Titanic and Dunkirk.

17/ You'll want to finish by covering your own ass with a caveat. Something like, "I'm not saying there won't be disruption but..."

After all, you're not really certain about any of this and who knows, maybe the plebs will suffer a bit?

Better safe and Tory, amirite? /end

Well, since this blew up... I don't have a gofundme, but I do make my living selling training on negotiations, trade policy and such like.

If your organisation could use someone ranting and gesticulating wildly at them for a bit, do keep me in mind. 👇

explaintrade.com/training