Thread by @rgunns

hello buds! first, i want to apologize for being absent. i know it's nice to necessary, but lots of y'all have devoted time and energy to engaging with me, and i feel bad about not responding as much as i used to.

but can i be honest about something? 1/

SPOILER ALERT: this thread is about feelings. i have spent the last two weeks having non-stop convos about the GND, and i don't have the energy to talk more about it tonight. honestly, i don't have the energy to be anything but human right now. 2/

the last two weeks, i have not felt up to the work that i have in front of me. i have been scared, constantly. not just that i don't have what it takes, but that we, as a people, will not get out of our own way in time to do what it takes to save ourselves. 3/

and every time i logged onto twitter and saw so many thoughtful questions from y'all (many of which i solicited), it felt like nothing more than a constant reminder of not only the MOUNTAINS of things that i do not know, but all the answers that i do not have yet. 4/

and it's not because i don't have thoughts or inclinations or analyses to share. i do. but still, none of that feels like it stands up to the reality that we are at a moment that feels unlike any other (at least in my lifetime), trying to do something unprecedented. 5/

there is so much uncertainty. we all act like we have the answers, but there we do not know so much about how things will go or what will make things move or how to turn ideas into action. yet the scale of what we face is too great not to move. so i do. 6/

but in my nerdy little heart, i love facts. i hate moving forward from a place of uncertainty. and as someone relatively young in the policy world, i never imagined taking something on this big this early in my career. 7/

i planned to take these risks later when i had more capital, more esteem – essentially more protection. yet, i'm out here as my 29 year old black lady self trying to figure out how to design the GND. it feels INSANE. (and ppl remind me daily how insane they think it is too 😂) 8/

i think often what my family will do if this keeps me from ever being seen as "serious" or what will happen to my career next. because in many ways, i'm my family's best shot at economic security. if i screw this up, a lot of people i love could have much harder lives. 9/

so i shrink. i leave twitter. i retreat into my own head. i read histories of civil rights leaders + other folks who had courage and wonder if they also felt terrified and small and alone. (why do so many of those histories skip over those parts?! emo kids like me need them!) 10/

i wish this was all tied up by some neat lesson about me believing in myself. it's not. i imagine i'll feel like this a lot more in the next two years. but i do hope that the inside of courage doesn't always feel like this. 11/

and if you've been in this game longer and you know that it does, feel free to let me know. but please, soften the blow with GIFs or puppy pictures (or the best of both worlds: PUPPY GIFS!😍)