Thread by @thecrackin

I’m way early for my flight back to LA and have tentatively decided to see how drunk I can get before my edible kicks in.

Good news/bad news: they have a system where I run my own tab off this iPad.

So far the answer is 92 oz of beer drunk and no sign of the Kiva bar. Still a half hour til boarding.

I just ordered “all your sizes of Miller lite!”

Ok. Hit the gallon mark. I have to walk around and let some of this sink in. But not before helping the bartendress fall a little bit in love with me.

There is a burp trapped in me right now and if I don’t get it out before boarding, if it comes out mid flight, I mean, we might have to land.

Ok. I can get one more in. Neglected to leave a decent tip before. Rectifying that now.

Boarding starting but I’m zone 12 so I got time for one more last one here.

Bartendress is rightfully charmed but 0% in love with me, as is her prerogative. Respect.

There’s that Kiva bar. Um boarding is going to be An Issue.

They’re not accepting “my state” as a valid reason for needing “extra time boarding.”

If I go missing, use this photo for clues to find me.

Delta Comfort Class can comfortably lick my asshole. We’ve reached that stage of this.

I genuinely can no longer tell which announcements pertain to me.

This guy looks like george c Scott in firestarter and he’s main cabin 1 and I’m a piece of shit “all other passengers.” Nvmnd he’s cool.

Oops everyone’s in a line but me.

I just said “go, pack, go” to a kid in a sweatshirt then accidentally knocked a stuffed animal out of a full grown lady’s hands. Her fault.

There aren’t any slat am vinegar chips at this shop

Screw notre dame, care about people

Plus they’re out of overhead space and have to check carry ons for free and jokes on them, that was my plan the whole time.

They better have Predator on the back of the seat of the passenger in front of me.

I’m onboard and a dad is politely suggesting I don’t sit next to his young child. You’re the boss, bud!

Ahh they speak another language and even though they’re no doubt talking about being wary of me, they sound beautiful. And though they don’t know it, they have never been safer in their lives. I’d die for them.

Ok. Airplane mode.

Update: all is well. Safe landing. We’re all best friends. They didn’t have Predator but they did have The Predator and it is Not. As. Good.