Thread by @AyoCaesar

IT’S HERE, THE BEST GUIDE TO THE TORY LEADERSHIP RACE THAT YOU NEVER, EVER ASKED FOR.

Thread to follow, updated until I get bored of this shtick.

Esther McVey: Brexiter, physically incapable of blinking, would 100% make Universal Credit faster if you gave up one of your kidneys for an expedited payment.

Matt Hancock: absolute dweeb, thinks apps can cure cancer, only listens to Avicii.

Jeremy Hunt: Remain-turned-No Dealer, always looks like he’s trying to hide a tadpole under his tongue. Foreign Secretary. No one seems more surprised at his continuing success than he does.

Rory Stewart: So posh he pisses pennies. Remain, trying to present himself as a sensible, moderate Tory capable of uniting the party. Seems unaware that the party membership will cook and eat him. Doomed.

Sajid Javid: whenever a racist says they can’t be racist cos their best friend is Asian, they’re actually referring to him.

Andrea Leadsom: I’m always surprised that she’s not wearing jodhpurs. Stuck the knife into Theresa May’s premiership. ‘Traditionalist’, which is a nice way of saying ‘homophobe’, who thinks marriage is a union between one man, one woman, and Anne Widdecombe.

Boris Johnson: twat.

Liz Truss: If Karen from Mean Girls licked a hallucinogenic toad and then read Milton Friedman.

Dominic Raab: Brexity angry man. Gets furious in IKEA. Crushes garlic by karate-chopping it. Didn’t know that Britain is an island until very recently.

Michael Gove: HELLO IT ME [notorious expense cheat] MICHAEL GOVE.

I’M SENSIBLE MODERATE BREXITEER WHO [stabbed boris in the back last time] JUST WANTS TO SAVE THE PLANET [round up all the muslims] AND BAN SINGLE USE PLASTICS!