Thread by @PGeeman

1. Hello and welcome! It’s episode 252 of #MrMrsBetterHalf. Mr. & Mrs Better Half is designed to strengthen marriages & relationships that will lead to marriage, with wisdom from God's Word.

2. If you missed the last episode, we dealt with the issue: “My spouse is too secretive. Help!!!” To catch up, you can get it here: bit.ly/31gqnXd #MrMrsBetterHalf

3. Today’s topic is, “I’ve been engaged for 3 years but my fiancé isn’t “ready”. Should I leave?” Engagement is typically a happy thing to happen to a person but the happiness can fade if it drags on without culminating in marriage. #MrMrsBetterHalf

4. Courtship is not an extension of dating; it is a prelude to marriage. When you get engaged, you’re not hanging out. You’re saying you want to do life together forever. It’s a decision that should have followed much thought, planning and prayer. #MrMrsBetterHalf

5. One of the things I ask newly engaged couples is WHEN they plan to get married. Wisdom dictates that when you want to build something you should sit down, count the costs and plan. What plans do you have to build your home and future? #MrMrsBetterHalf

6. When exactly do you see yourself getting married? What are the things that should be in place before this time? When do you plan to meet each other’s families? When do you plan to start counselling? etc. You should have a blueprint that you are working with. #MrMrsBetterHalf

7. This doesn’t mean everything must be cast in stone - after all, life happens, but the issue is that u both av a similar vision that you're running with. Being in a protracted courtship with no end in sight is unacceptable if you really av a vision for ur life. #MrMrsBetterHalf

8. I typically advise against long courtships because they can lead to taking each other for granted, sexual temptation and frustration and a penchant for procrastination. Courtships are not university degrees that should last so many years. #MrMrsBetterHalf

9. Imagine courting for 5-10 years and you then break up. People have been completely broken by such occurrences and suffered prolonged singlehood because they were not able to get over one protracted relationship that hurt them. You have to guard against this. #MrMrsBetterHalf

10. Some who suffered through long courtships that went nowhere have hastily jumped into new relationships after feeling like they wasted their time for years on a dead-end partner. Unfortunately, some of these rushed relationships also didn’t pan out well. #MrMrsBetterHalf

11. But let’s get to the excuse the partner is giving. He or she is saying, ‘I’m not ready’. So, it’s not a case of ‘I don’t want to get married… more like I am not ready to get married YET.’ For some this begs the question - ‘so why did you get engaged?’ #MrMrsBetterHalf

12. One has to be ready for marriage before venturing into it. Beyond money, there is emotional, spiritual, and physical readiness to attain. I talk more about this in my book ‘Gauging Readiness for Marriage’. You can tweet @elevationng for a copy. #MrMrsBetterHalf

13. Have you ever thought you were ready for a new responsibility while the people around you felt you were not? Or have you ever felt inadequate while the people around you believe that you are? That’s one tricky thing about gauging readiness. #MrMrsBetterHalf

14. Sometimes third-party opinions are invaluable if they come from people who really know you and have your interest at heart. In the multitude of counsel, there is safety. Before u declare urself ready or not ready for marriage, what do ur closest allies think? #MrMrsBetterHalf

15. Sometimes people think they are ready for marriage just because they are of a certain age. Remember that growing old is different from growing up. One is automatic, the other is intentional. You can be an adult but you may not act like one. #MrMrsBetterHalf

16. If you are not emotionally mature, have no real vision, struggle with your sense of identity and have no source of income or financial stability amongst other critical things, you might not be ready for marriage regardless of your age. #MrMrsBetterHalf

17. However, there are some people who choose to hide under the guise of ‘not being ready’ even when it’s apparent that there’s nothing they are waiting for. Sometimes such people are just scared or dragging their feet for no justifiable reason. #MrMrsBetterHalf

18. If your mate says s/he isn’t ready, yet you can’t discern what s/he is waiting for or what s/he is working towards, you must be careful not to waste your life on a protracted relationship that may not work out. #MrMrsBetterHalf

19. The last thing you want is to be in a relationship with someone who has a roving eye or is looking for a better option. Refuse to be anybody’s consolation prize. If your partner isn’t excited about a life with you, then consider this a massive red flag. #MrMrsBetterHalf

20. How do you separate timewasters from genuinely careful people? Ask some questions; is the excuse s/he’s giving genuine? Have you both agreed on minimum standards for setting up your home? Are they realistic standards? Have you met those standards? #MrMrsBetterHalf

21. Careful people will usually articulate what is causing the delay and why. They will also state how long they think it will take them to resolve that situation before marriage. #MrMrsBetterHalf

23. For people who love to plan, they sometimes need to be reminded that conditions will not always be perfect. He that considers the wind will not sow. Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith. #MrMrsBetterHalf

24. However, if the person is being unnecessarily pedantic e.g. wanting to attain a certain level of wealth, weight or something vague, you need to address it. There’s a lot of life to live together where you can attain such dreams. #MrMrsBetterHalf

25. If it’s about money, you can easily make compromises. Should you have a small wedding? Should you live in a small apartment or buy a smaller car? There’s no need going bankrupt over trying to live large from the get-go. You can build wealth together. #MrMrsBetterHalf

26. On the other hand, timewasters are usually very vague in approach, they have no real tangibility to their assertion. There is no real rhyme or reason to their procrastination and they tend to have pipe dreams. #MrMrsBetterHalf

27. They talk based on plans and not reality. e.g., “I want to travel and then I will settle down and send for you” or “I want to do masters, but I don’t know what course to do it in.” I want, I want, I want...” They are usually self-centred and not we-centred. #MrMrsBetterHalf

28. You can also tell timewasters by their attitudes and the things they say: does s/he talk about his future with you in it? How does s/he introduce you to his or her family and friends? Do they talk with the future in mind or are they vague? #MrMrsBetterHalf

29. Timewasters don’t want to marry you, yet they don’t want to let you go cause they like having you around. It’s the classic “eat my cake & have it” scenario. You're a stop gap in their lives where they're hoping for something better but have you as a back-up. #MrMrsBetterHalf

30. You are neither their Plan A or even Plan B. You are lower on the totem pole and they have no tangible goals for you or the relationship. They don’t really see you in their future but because they have not attained their dreams, they still hang on to you. #MrMrsBetterHalf

31. When you push such people for a commitment, you may notice that they may start getting fidgety and defensive. Know this - you are more valuable than to be someone’s back up plan. Have the courage to free yourself and move on. #MrMrsBetterHalf

32. Another thing to look out for is someone who proposed under duress – e.g., if he proposed when you were about to break up with him, (probably because the dating relationship was protracted) his proposal may have been to satisfy you and keep you quiet. #MrMrsBetterHalf

33. If you are not sure if your mate is a timewaster, one way to deal with it is to have a vision and create some timelines. Set achievable, believable time-bound goals. That goal post should not be a moving target. #MrMrsBetterHalf

34. Set goals you are both comfortable with and are working towards. If they are ignored, you are right to consider leaving that relationship. You shouldn’t be in a relationship that isn’t adding value or leading anywhere. #MrMrsBetterHalf

35. Finally, sometimes either party might just be afraid of the future. You should have an open and honest conversation about what might be feeding your partner’s fears with a view to finding a mutual resolution. #MrMrsBetterHalf

36. If you cannot get over your fears and issues and boldly step into the future together, then it is foolish and selfish to hang on to a relationship that is going nowhere. #MrMrsBetterHalf

37. I hope this has been helpful to you. I will be back next week with another topic. Until then, thanks for following, participating and Retweeting. May your marriages and relationships be sweet! #MrMrsBetterHalf