Thread by @chrisjvenables

👋 Hey pals, here's the thing.

I've been having a rough time. ⛈️

I pretended I was OK. I didn't think it would be me that had a breakdown. I wanted to be strong.

Decided it might be good to share. 😬

A thread. 👇

(Obvs there'll be lots of emojis ♥️)

First up, why tweet this stuff? 🐦

Well, I haven't so far, and I'm still not sure.

But (1) social media can be real community 👋♥️ (2) I know I'm not gonna be the same after this & (3) I've been inspired by others' stories, it's awks but good, and maybe I can do the same. ✨

'Breakdown, I hear you say?'

It's a big word. I used to think breakdowns were maybe kinda cool. 😎

Turns out they're not. 🤦‍♂️

They're difficult, confusing, hard, messy and, ultimately, actually quite shit. 😂

Nothing is linear or simple - but this is what mine looks like. 👇

Ok, bit of background. 🧐

7 years of full time work. 6 years in London. 4.5 years with NGOs. 2 years in Parliament. 3 months in a conflict zone.

Mostly campaigning on climate change and peace. 🌍🕊️

Always demanding jobs and roles, but I got stuck in, and loved them all. ♥️💪

During most of that time, I was pretty happy, loved my work, revelled in being in London. 🚲🌁💚

Escaped to the Cairngorms, Lakes, Pembrokeshire, Skye, Cornwall, and Snowdownia. 🌊🌄

I loved the busyness, meeting new people, the gigs, actions and lectures, and amazing ideas.💡

Before that, grew up in Stafford. Dad left when I was 11. He lied lots, then moved country. 🏃

Brought up by my Mum. She had part-time low-pay job then, so not much 💰 about. Just lots of confusion and hurt.

Lots happened, we all struggled.

(Not sob story, just context.)

I took a year out before going to university. I had a place to study Chemistry at York. 👨‍🔬

I worked & used my savings (I'd had a job since I was 15 & received the full EMA) to travel. 💼

I walked across Spain. I went to the Crimea. I lived in Slovakia. I visited Instanbul. 🕌

When I came back, I was like, err, IT IS A BIG WIDE WORLD OUT THERE! 🌎

I wanted to understand people, power, law, countries and conflict. ⚖️ So switched to Politics.

I then spent 3 years squeezing in study around campaigning (and work). ✊ Arms trade, climate, all the things.

Throughout my life, I've had my fair share of ups and downs. 🎢

The struggles of growing-up coming back every now and then. 👋

I've made mistakes, and I've tried my best to learn from them. 👨‍🏫

Basically, it's not always been plain sailing, obvs - but this, now, is different.❗

Anyway, jump forward 7 years from uni, and I'm in London, after a spell in Brussels. 🇪🇺

I work as an adviser to @CarolineLucas in Parliament. My absolute dream job in so many ways: being a campaigner in Westminster, trying to protect the ol' planet-y life-on-earth thing. 💚

But in May last year, I phoned @samaritans for the first time. (Breakdown story begins, thanks for sticking with me. 🙏)

I was feeling a bit low - but nothing to worry about, I thought.

I've phoned them several times a week since.

So, yip, things started going badly then. 🤦‍♂️

Before I knew it, I was having panic attacks, crying randomly, massive mood swings, crippling anxiety, and big depressive episodes. 😣

Basically, those all got slowly worse over the last year or so, but all the while, I just kept on going. No-one knew how bad it had become. 🤫

I went to my GP and opened up to a few people close to me - but, crucially, *I* didn't really accept what was going on.

Also, fyi, I'd been doing therapy for 2 years to work through some stuff, so I did have *some* support & self-awareness. 🤔

I mostly felt so ashamed. 😳

Then, in July 2018, I had a crying breakdown in Portcullis House in Parliament (quite embarassing for any of you who know that place.)

I took a bit of time off work but I was desperate to get back. I wanted everything to be OK. 👍

So I quickly went back to work again. 🙄

In that time, I *think* I was doing an OK job - working w/ enviro movement, to bring their voice into Parliament & to champion green politics 🌿

Then this Jan, I tried to get to the top of Guys & St Thomas's hospital to jump off. One of a few near suicide attempts this year. 😔

The most amazing person, @minnierahman, who I love so much, came to find me and sat in the reception with me for four hours before I could move. 🙏

The brief suicidal thoughts of a year ago had become very real. I was admitted into the NHS crisis unit and got a bit of help. 👩‍⚕️👨‍⚕️

As per @ladyhaja's amazing article, the NHS mental health system is creaking at the seams. I was bounced between services, retelling my story to nurses and psychiatrists.

I got help, but also got labels that weren't right, 8 month waiting lists, and conflicting information.

So - I decided to leave the job. I can't tell you how stressful it is working in Parliament on both Brexit AND climate change.

Two really hard issues. And being only one Green MP is tough. It's very isolated. We forget that politicians (and their staff) are just people. 🙋🏻‍♂️

Despite everything that was happening, I did manage to pull off bits of good work, I think.

Coordinating @GretaThunberg's UK visit, drafting copy for speeches in Parliament & national media, high-level meetings, etc. 🤓

But still my mind was sinking deeper into distress. ⛈️

So, I finished up at work 5 weeks ago, and it's been the hardest time. 🌪️

To be confronted with everything you feel, everything you've lost: the reality of mental ill-health, of breaking down, seeing it all behind you, and not much in front (or so your mind makes it seem).

So - why am I telling you any of this?

Well, first off, 👋👋👋, I'm just saying "Hey, this is me! It's been a little bit shit."

I never thought I'd say this, but Twitter is a community for me. ♥️

But also, there's a few lessons too (and many still to learn, of course).

1️⃣ It's really hard to find the time + space to talk about mental health, even with the people closest to you.

There is so much shame, stigma and judgement, even from friends + family. Mental illness is a deep isolation.

This is my small bit to cracking that open. 💥

2️⃣ Difficult experiences stay with you and it takes time to work them through.

We all have them - and some of us have had a rough ol' time. You can only run away from them for so long.

It takes strength and love to rise above what's happened to you.

3️⃣ Community is precious. It's what holds our public life together.

Yet individualism feels so strong right now - but it just doesn't make any sense: our lives are so inter-connected.

So let's stop pretending we're anything but *human*! 🙌

4️⃣ Fighting every day to get climate change (or any issue) on the political agenda is exhausting.

We need to talk about that more and value the time it takes to do so.

🚨 OK, this is much longer than expected, follow up tweet thread (with hopeful bits) on profile. 🚨

Here's the rest of the thread:

https://twitter.com/chrisjvenables/status/1137415038904471553?s=19