Thread by @MJ_Leaver

You know something I don't see talked about much?

Survivor's guilt when you've attempted suicide, or live with suicidal ideation, and someone else dies in a random act of the universe.

It's a really, really tough thing to reconcile yourself with, even if you understand the underlying function of your ideation, or intention.

In the past two years, I lost two people. One, my brother to a kayaking accident (he's 8 years younger than me), and one a family member to a sudden heart attack (on my other brother's wedding day. 😬).

And amidst the pain of loss, and anger and grief, that flows much as it does for most humans who experience such things, you've got this added weight that you can't seem to talk about.

Because at your core, you truly, deeply believe that you don't deserve to live. Large (or small) parts of you don't want to live. And sometimes you've acted on these parts, and you've lived anyway, against the odds.

And then here's this loved, wonderful, nuanced, complex, hopeful amazing person with their life, that they actually were living and wanted to live - and they're dead.

And then your brain says, "Well, you're an asshole, doubling down and making this about your guilt, and how you'd switch places with them, because...." And other such unhelpful (and not entirely accurate) things.

Anyway, if you have felt, or are feeling like this, I don't have any answers, or solutions (sorry, I'm too busy breaking mental health professionals and not feeling feelings), but I want you to know you're not alone in it.

I want you to know that I know how hard it is, how much it complicates the already very complicated process of reconciling yourself with the loss of someone you care for.

I want you to know that you deserve to live, even if lots of you wants to die. Your life does matter.

Even if you aren't who or where you want to be right now, even if where or who you want to be seems absolutely unattainable, even if breathing is a struggle. Your life has value. You have value. And I'm sorry for your loss.

And if you're reading this and thinking "This doesn't apply to me", it does apply to you, even as I acknowledge the hypocrisy of this given I'm tweeting it, with the caveat that it most definitely doesn't apply to me.

Please, as always, be as safe as you can, rely on your support networks, and call the relevant numbers on my pinned tweet if you need someone to help you stay safe.

You deserve that help.

Yes, you too.