Thread by @RemakingManhood

Professor Way’s research shows us boys express deeply fulfilling emotional connection and love for each other, but by the time they reach adulthood, that sense of connection evaporates. This is a catastrophic loss — one that we assume men will simply adjust to. They do not. /1

Millions of men are experiencing a sense of deep loss that haunts them even if they are engaged in fully realized romantic relationships, marriages, and families." /2

Niobe Way is Professor of Applied Psychology at @nyuniversity. Years ago, she started asking teenage boys what their closest friendships meant to them and documenting what they had to say. This particular question turns out to be an issue of life or death for American men. /3

@nyuniversity Before what Way documents for us in her book Deep Secrets, Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, no one would have thought to ask boys about what is happening in their closest friendships because we assumed we already knew. /4

@nyuniversity In fact, when it comes to what is happening emotionally with boys and men, we tend to confuse what we expect of them with what they actually feel. And, given enough time, they do as well. /5

@nyuniversity Way's surprisingly simple line of inquiry can open a Pandora’s box of self-reflection for men. After a lifetime of being told how men “typically” experience feeling and emotion, the answer to the question “what do my closest friends mean to me” is lost to us. /6

@nyuniversity A survey published by AARP in 2010 found that one in three adults aged 45 or older reported being chronically lonely. Just a decade before, only one out of five said that. And men are facing the brunt of this epidemic of loneliness. /7

@nyuniversity Research shows that between 1999 and 2010, suicide among men age 50 and over rose by nearly 50 percent. The New York Times reports that “the suicide rate for middle-aged men was 27.3 deaths per 100,000, while for women it was 8.1 deaths per 100,000.” /8

@nyuniversity Emotional isolation is ranked as high a risk factor for mortality as smoking. A partial list of the physical diseases thought to be caused or exacerbated by loneliness would include Alzheimer’s, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, and even cancer. /9

@nyuniversity As I sat down to write about Niobe Way’s research, a tweet by the philosopher Alain de Botton popped up in my stream:
“An epidemic of loneliness generated by the misguided idea that romantic love is the only solution to loneliness.” /10

@nyuniversity And there you have it. What Niobe Way illuminates in her book is nothing less than the central source of our culture’s epidemic of male loneliness. /11

@nyuniversity Driven by our collective assumption that the friendships of boys are both casual and interchangeable, along with our relentless privileging of romantic love over platonic love, we are driving boys into lives Way describes as “autonomous, emotionally stoic, and isolated” /12

@nyuniversity For men, the voices in Way’s book open a deeply private door to our pasts. In the words of the boys themselves, we experience the heartfelt expression of male emotional intimacy that echoes the sunlit afternoons of our youth. /13

@nyuniversity This passionate and loving boyhood connection occurs across class, race, and culture. It is beautifully evident in the hundreds of interviews Way conducted. Boys declare freely the love they feel for their closest friends. They use the word “love” and they are proud to do so /14

@nyuniversity Way writes:
"Set against a culture that perceives boys and men to be activity oriented, emotionally illiterate, and interested only in independence, these responses seem shocking." /15

@nyuniversity "The image of the lone cowboy, the cultural icon of masculinity… in the West, suggests that what boys want and need most are opportunities for competition and autonomy." /16

@nyuniversity "Yet the vast majority of the hundreds of boys whom my research team and I have interviewed from early to late adolescence suggest that their closest friendships share the plot of Love Story more than the plot of Lord of the Flies." /17

@nyuniversity "Boys valued their male friendships greatly and saw them as essential ...to their health, not because their friends were worthy opponents in the competition for manhood but because they could share their thoughts and feelings — their deepest secrets — with these friends" /18

@nyuniversity "Yet something happens to boys as they enter late adolescence. As boys enter manhood, they do, in fact, begin to talk less. They begin to say that they don’t have time for their male friendships even though they continue to express strong desires for having such friendships." /18

@nyuniversity "Justin, now in his senior year, reports a tapering off of his friendships:
It’s like best friends become close friends, close friends become general friends and then general friends become acquaintances." /19

@nyuniversity "Another high school senior, Michael, says:
Like my friendship with my best friend is fading… I mean, it’s still there ’cause we still do stuff together, but only once in a while. It’s sad ’cause he lives only one block away from me and I get to do stuff with him less... /20

@nyuniversity ...than I get to do stuff with people who are way further… It’s like a DJ used his cross fader and started fading it slowly and slowly and now I’m like halfway through the cross fade." /21

@nyuniversity Way takes us through the logical results of this disconnection:
"Boys became more distrustful and less willing to be close with their male peers and believe that such behavior, and even their emotional acuity, put them at risk of being labeled girly, immature, or gay." /22

@nyuniversity "Thus, rather than focusing on who they are, they became obsessed with who they are not — they are not girls and not children, nor, in the case of heterosexual boys, are they gay." /23

@nyuniversity "In response to a cultural context that links intimacy in male friendships and emotional sensitivity with a sex [female] and a sexuality [gay], the boys “matured” into men who are autonomous, emotionally stoic, and isolated." /24

@nyuniversity "The ages of 16 to 19, however, are not only a period of disconnection for the boys in my studies, it is also the period in which the suicide rate for boys in the United States rises dramatically and becomes four times the rate for girls." /25

@nyuniversity Niobe Way's book Deep Secrets is here: amazon.com/Deep-Secrets-F…

@nyuniversity Another important study, this time focusing on a pre-K class for two years is When Boys Become Boys by Judy Chu. Her book shows how four year old boys are already being taught to hide their emotional acuity and capacity for connection. It is here: amazon.com/When-Boys-Beco…

@nyuniversity This thread is based on my article titled: Why Do We Murder the Beautiful Friendships of Boys? You can read it here: medium.com/s/man-interrup…

@nyuniversity This article is an excerpt from my book Remaking Manhood, available here: amazon.com/Remaking-Manho…

@nyuniversity "Justin, now in his senior year, reports a tapering off of his friendships:
It’s like best friends become close friends, close friends become general friends and then general friends become acquaintances." /19

@nyuniversity "Another high school senior, Michael, says:
Like my friendship with my best friend is fading… I mean, it’s still there ’cause we still do stuff together, but only once in a while. It’s sad ’cause he lives only one block away from me and I get to do stuff with him less... /20

@nyuniversity ...than I get to do stuff with people who are way further… It’s like a DJ used his cross fader and started fading it slowly and slowly and now I’m like halfway through the cross fade." /21

@nyuniversity Way takes us through the logical results of this disconnection:
"Boys became more distrustful and less willing to be close with their male peers and believe that such behavior, and even their emotional acuity, put them at risk of being labeled girly, immature, or gay." /22

@nyuniversity "Thus, rather than focusing on who they are, they became obsessed with who they are not — they are not girls and not children, nor, in the case of heterosexual boys, are they gay." /23

@nyuniversity "In response to a cultural context that links intimacy in male friendships and emotional sensitivity with a sex [female] and a sexuality [gay], the boys “matured” into men who are autonomous, emotionally stoic, and isolated." /24

@nyuniversity "The ages of 16 to 19, however, are not only a period of disconnection for the boys in my studies, it is also the period in which the suicide rate for boys in the United States rises dramatically and becomes four times the rate for girls." /25

@nyuniversity Niobe Way's book Deep Secrets is here: amazon.com/Deep-Secrets-F… /26

@nyuniversity Another important study, this time focusing on a pre-K class for two years is When Boys Become Boys by Judy Chu. Her book shows how four year old boys are already being taught to hide their emotional acuity and capacity for connection. It is here: amazon.com/When-Boys-Beco… /27

@nyuniversity This thread is a brief excerpt from my article titled: Why Do We Murder the Beautiful Friendships of Boys? You can read it here: medium.com/s/man-interrup… /28

@nyuniversity If you want more of this kind of writing, the article is one among many in my book Remaking Manhood. Available here: amazon.com/Remaking-Manho… /29

@nyuniversity For men seeking to grow connection and relearn what the wonderful friendships of our youth can be for us, as men, today, I recommend organizations like mankindproject.org Connection is waiting for us, we just have to take the first steps... @mankindproject /30

@nyuniversity For men seeking to grow connection and relearn what the wonderful friendships of our youth can be for us, as men, today, I recommend organizations like mankindproject.org Connection is waiting for us, we just have to take the first steps... @mankindproject
/30

@nyuniversity @mankindproject IF YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING @niobe_way , NYU Professor and author of Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, YOU SHOULD BE. Her work is the basis for understanding the loss of connection in the lives of boys and men.

@nyuniversity @mankindproject @niobe_way @Niobe_Way, Judy Chu, and others on the Emotional Suppression of Boys and Men. vimeo.com/358514741