Thread by @PeoplesOracle

I was having some thoughts earlier today about the oft given advice to focus on platonic relationships and not to focus too much on romantic relationships.

This goes in a pile labeled "ways humans rationalize the modern pandemic of loneliness"

Also in that same pile is "I prefer a bond over a title." Misappropriations of the Buddhist concept of nonattachment, "don't have any expectations and don't get attached."

My primary issue with this is the misunderstanding of the function of romantic relationships, and a lack of consideration for the possibility that the purpose of romantic and platonic relationships are different.

Here are my thoughts on the misappropriation of attachment in the context of romantic relationships:

https://twitter.com/PeoplesOracle/status/1025940856140955648?s=20

There are a variety of human needs. Food, safety, shelter, belonging. But as Carl Jung would say, individuation is also a need, or perhaps a fundamental process of the development of the human psyche.

(Google is your friend.)

My premise here is that attachment is necessary for individuation. Having relationships that impact our chances of survival are key to becoming whole individuals.

The idea of individuation says that very early on we learn which parts of ourselves are acceptable and which parts aren't. We learn this in many ways, but primarily through our relationships with our primary caregivers.

The parts we believe or unacceptable get suppressed out of our conscious awareness. For example, perceiving/experiencing emotional vulnerability to be unacceptable. So there it goes to your personal unconscious. You avoid vulnerability at all costs.

The parts we believe are acceptable become part of our conscious mind, the self we identify with as our personality or self-concept. So the never vulnerable person might identify as independent and self-sufficient.

Relationships—the romantic kind where we grow in attachment and feel like life or death & familial—are meant to help you integrate all the parts of yourself that have been relegated to the unconscious. All the things you believe you aren't.

The fact of the matter is that platonic relationship rarely instigate the kind of attachment that cultivates this kind of pressure on the psyche.

Quite frankly, platonic relationships don't trigger us the same way romantic relationships. When relationships feel irrelevant to our survival, we walk easily. There is no attachment.

The craving for romantic love is not just an emotional indulgence. It's way more than that. It's your Self's urge to break free from its fragmented existence. It's your psyche's compulsion to integrate those fragments of you that have been relegated to exile.

It is in the high stakes, attached romantic relationships that we feel compelled to encounter our shadow. The glue of attachment (feeling like our survival is at stake) is meant to cultivate an environment for individuation.

This is not to poo on platonic relationships. We NEED those too. We need relational spaces where the stakes aren't so high. Where we aren't triggered for the sake of growth. Where we can be and not feel like our basic well-being is threatened. But here is the thing...

The thing is that many of us (most of us) don't have the stamina to do the work that high stakes, attached romantic relationships offer us the opportunity to do.

We can't see past our projections. Jung would call this a complex, like a Mother complex. That's where we work out the inevitable wounding and fragmenting of our Self that occurs in our experience of Mother.

Remember projection isn't bad. It's human nature. But when we confuse our projections for the person standing in front of us, that's when we can either integrate or reject it just like our primary caregivers did. We reject that person and can't see them for who they are.

I can go on, but I think you get my point. There is a purposeful difference between platonic and romantic relationships. One is not a substitute for the other. We are entitled to neither.

I believe intimacy is critical for the kind of evolution of consciousness that humans undergo. To break through the mind's belief that only what it knows and perceives is what exists is to become whole. It's to become fully human.

It's in the deep attachment of romantic relationships that we feel compelled to be different. They give us the fuel to face ourselves, to risk annihilation of the false self for the sake of wholeness which is true freedom.

Gotta read Intimacy & Desire by Dr. David Schnarch. His 4 Points of Balance are everything!