Thread by @louisa_msiska

Good time to do a thread?
Yes?
No?

Will do it anyway

Gather here. Lemme tell y'all a story while I wait for my neighbour'd night of prayer people to shush

5 years ago, I got invited to a church by someone I used to be close to. I decided to go and check out what the hyoe was all about

After months of being begged to go to this new church by my friend, I decided I wanted to go.

This church was close to the Roman Catholic church where I would go. It was a small church that looked intimate. Never used to give a damn bout it until I was invited to attend

The Sunday came, I got cleaned uo nicely. Wore my black skirt, ended right on the knees. A red blouse, nicely tucked in and a black jacket with some pumps. I really wanted to impress

We got to the church with my excitement on a 💯. It was song after song from 8am till 10am. Then the Apostle started preaching at 10:30am, his preaching took 1hr

Here's the thing, I was born and raised Roman Catholic. The longest our services will go is 2hrs, that is ngati kulibe misa imodzi or any celebration.

So here I was 3.5 hrs in and it didn't seem like they were close to ending. At this point, I am hungry af and just need chiwaya

As I was thinking about the beauty of chiwaya, the Apostle says something that caught my attention. Mans said
"ALENDO ONSE ABWERA LERO AYIME KUTI MPINGO UWAONE"

My excitement gets back on line and I am the first one to shoot up with a wicked smile on my face

I'm there thinking kuti auza congregation kuti iombe m'manja and say
"Ndinu olandilidwa mwa Yesu"

But Noooo. Apostle guy goes on and says "Alendo nonse mupita panja kuti akakuphunzitseni kupemphera"

At that point I am looking at mans with disbelief on my face. My mind is screaming "B, you know how to pray, you pray daily, what kinda kupemphera is this"

I look at my friend and he is looking back at me with an encouragement face. So I take myself outside like the rest of the newbies.

Outside we are told sitimatha kupemphera cause we don't know how to pray in tongues. So they wanted to teach us tongues

I am there refraining myself from screaming "YOU CAN'T TEACH ONE HOW TO SPEAK TONGUES DUMMIES"

But I got amused that I wanted to learn

They start with
"Ababalashika Jesu hoshiwa....."

I am looking at dudes like

30 minutes of learning. We got back into the church at 12. I am tired, I am hungry, I can speak TONGUES

So we are told that it is praying time in tongues, I decide to have fun. They told us a trick, in order to speak tongues, you must start by saying Jesus continuously in a speed.

So I did that, then I started jumping up and down screaming
"Boboloshika, kwa mzokoto sheba, Jesu..."

I was putting so much swag to the tongues and I was having fun. Then the Apostle said "timalizitse" and even after everyone had gone silent, I was still there saying

"MMMMMHHHHH BABA, ABABASHIKA SOLAKATA BABA"

Apostle screams "Mphamvu ya ku mwamba" and I almost laughed

We were then given small cups filled with juice cola and small small biscuits as the Body and Blood

Sindinapeleke cha mbale, I was tired. Stormed out of the church anf directed myself to the chiwaya.

After that day, I told my friend that never again.

If anyone wants to hire someone with experience in speaking tongues, I am the ghel.

Goodnight y'all