Thread by @QuinnyPig

Stuck in traffic on my way to #chaosconf, so I'll post a thread on Apple Keynote tips that are New To Me, so that others might benefit.

I present from an iPad--that's not a thread, that's a blog post: lastweekinaws.com/blog/8-things-…

So let's say you slap an image into Keynote. DAMMIT, that's not a transparent background. Crap. What do you do?

Meet "Instant Alpha." Click that button, drag on the background portion, and it's removed from the image intelligently. I'm legit mad I only discovered it this year.

Want to customize your presenter display in Keynote for iPad? Hit "Rehearse slideshow." It lets you set it up the way you want.

Put your Twitter handle on every slide. I can't stress this enough. You want credit for your work. If I'm still getting set up during your intro, I won't know what your twitter handle is so I can't tag you in livetweets!

Duplicate your first slide. You can test your remote that way as you're preparing to start without changing the view for the audience / spoiling the next slide.

I guess this has become less Keynote specific. Speaking tips it is!

Unless you're @fakeoraclelarry, nobody watches your talk hoping you'll screw up, trip, fall off the stage, and hurt yourself.

People want to see you succeed, and they want to hear your story.

Don't start your talk with an apology. "Sorry, this talk is kinda crap." "I'm new at this." "I threw this together on the plane here."

Spare us all. Please.

This is controversial: Don't start your talk with an introduction.

You've got a limited window to capture people's attention. We all have phones! They have the internet on them! You have to be more interesting than the internet!

"I work for Google" isn't more interesting.

Related: I make fun of Google, Netflix, AWS, etc. They're big companies.

I own twitterforpets.com so I can mock startups without shitting on someone's hard work.

Punch up, never down.

BUT! You can punch down inadvertently! I mocked a big company for their first steps into SRE world. @lizthegrey pointed out I was punching down. I've never forgotten that; I'm eternally grateful.

Back to intros since I'm seeing Twitter feedback on it.

Yes, you should introduce yourself--but I like to do it 2-3 minutes in, not "as my first slide." Give people a hook first. I'm partial to the "cold open."

I've probably given 200 talks or so by now. I get the shakes every time before I walk on stage. I can't eat beforehand, and I'm a terrible conversationalist. Every speaker you've ever seen was nervous.

(This freaks organizers out, so I try to warn them first.)

Impostor syndrome is real. "I don't deserve to be up here" is huge.

And I'm a cis-het-white-dude in tech! Imagine fellow CHWDs, for a second, what it must be like for people whose failure modes aren't "a book deal and a board seat."

And now, audience tips. That's right, you have a job too!

If the speaker is terrible and you hate the talk, have you considered shutting your damn fool mouth?

The entire internet is on your phone. Go look at that instead.

Your resume isn't a question.
Neither is a comment.
Neither is calling bullshit on the talk.

"That's not how we did it at Google" hits all three.

Don't be that guy, and yes--it's invariably a guy.

I do break some of these rules from time to time (not the ones about not being a shit human). Later today I'm testing out a new talk at a brown-bag lunch at a nearby company.

I start with an intro because it's important to the story I'm telling. I don't love it.

That's it, that's the thread. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk, something so innovative we named it after a dude.