Thread by @michaelharriot

Thread
Y'all know what it is: The Democratic Debates, Translated

Little known fact: Cory Booker doesn't shave. He starts talking and the hair just leaves

Seriously, though...

Have you ever met a Klobuchar supporter?

I hate this "is impeachment a distraction?" question. It is just so stupid and means absolutely nothing.

Pete Buttigieg is competent but not compelling. He almost presidential-like.

He's like that linoleum that looks like wood but everyone knows its linoleum and they say "oh, it looks just like wood!"

But ain't nobody buying that bullshit.

Also, no one is voting for Tom Steyer. I'm willing to bet the 2 percent he got in the polls is from people who were drunk and thought they were voting for Magnum P.I.

Did Andrew Yang just ask people to raise their hands? Doesn't he know we can't see that?

Biden's answer sounds a lot like Donald Trump. He basically said "my son didn't do anything wrong." Now he's getting mad.

Didn't I SAY my son didn't do anything wrong? Ask me again, motherfucker!

Look, every black person reading this knows how Hunter Biden got that job because his daddy was the most powerful man in the United States. Why won't they say it?

Please, white Jesus, please don't take this debate into the weeds about 99% similar plans. It's like they're debating Medicare for All vs MeDiCarE fOR aLL

Also, I bet $19 that Elizabeth Warren has some Peppermints and Werthers Originals in her pocket.

No one LOVES their insurance company. I think I have GREAT insurance but I don't love those motherfuckers! I don't een know them like that.

I just don't want to die.

And now Klobuchar is piling on Elizabeth Warren's healthcare plan. If I was Warren, I'd be like:

"Amy, keep my name out yo' mouth until you get more supporters than Wu-Tang Clan members. Sit down."

Am I the only one who gets nervous every time Bernie Sanders frowns or raises his voice?

Every time Kamala Harris gets passionate it sounds like she practiced her speech in front of a mirror with a straightening comb.

She's like your friend who tries out for American Idol and you don't want to tell your friend that she's not gonna win because she ain't that good

But you still want her to do well and then she doesn't make it and she is devastated because she REALLy thought she was gonna win the whole thing and you try to pretend you thought she was gonna win, too.

But you knew better.

You knew

Cory Booker is really going hard at that Biden VP spot. He's protecting Biden like he works for the Secret Service!

"How did your coke-sniffing son get a $50,000/month job with no experience?" is a valid question!

Also, Burisma Holdings, if you're hiring, holla at a nigga.

Why does Castro always look like he just went swimming?

And why does Tulsi Gabbard always wear white? Is she a nurse? A professional church usher? Is she a member of the Night's Watch?

Why are we pretending that a president could convince General Motors to come back to the U.S.? It ain't gonna happen. They left because they don't want to pay workers a living wage.

Fuck them.

Another stupid question: "Is your goal to tax billionaires out of business?"

If you make billionaires pay 90% you know how much they have?

$100,000,000,000

They'll be ok.
(Someone check my math)

Tom Steyer is a billionaire and still can't afford to pay someone to tell him that he shouldn't wear a tie made out of Golden Corral tablecloths

Stupid questions continue: "Do you believe wealth tax plans demonize rich people?"

As if the other side doesn't demonize the poor as lazy, welfare-seekers looking for a handout.

Give me a billion dollars and watch how much I care if y'all "demonize" me.

Elizabeth Sanders and Amy Klobuchar are both wearing purple. Do y'all think they're pledging Que?

Kamala Harris just invented a whole ass person who sits at the kitchen table, drives Uber and takes his kids to soccer games.

I'm also tired of the narrative that people st at their kitchen table trying to figure out how to pay their bills. They say this every election

When you don't have money, do you sit at the kitchen table?
I can do math in the living room. I grew up poor as f*ck and never say my mom staring at the light bill in the kitchen

She would've sold that table on Ebay. It's famous now.

Also, Kamala Harris' mom was a breast cancer scientist with a Ph.D. in endocrinology from an elite Indian family whose bloodline goes back 1,000 years. Her dad was an economics professor at Stanford.

She's lying, yo.

Tulsi Gabbard is a Russian asset tho,

She's look like she's an undercover assassin bot.

Why does she keep saying "regime change war." Both her and Pete Buttigieg were in the military. I think they should just karate-fight right now.

My money's on Tulsi. Her stare-game too strong.

Plus, she's already wearing a kung fu uniform.

Can y'all see those crumbs on Bernie Sanders' jacket? Was he eating graham crackers during the break?

Also, why are we pretending we care about the Kurds? We just hate Donald Trump. If you would've asked the average American before last week, they would've told you the Kurds were from Wisconsin and were made out of cheese.

The only Kurds we acknowledge is Kurds Blow. "Wild Wild West" was my jam!

Ok, I'll see myself out.

Joe Biden is going off!

Somewhere Corn Pop is proud of his homey Joey B.

I forgot Beto O'Rourke was there!

I think Beto only reads books on tape

I don't know if I'd vote for Tom Steyer but if he tried to sell me some life insurance, I'd buy the FUCK out of it.

Now they're attacking Mark Zuckerberg. He's putting them in Facebook jail as we speak.

Beto isn't backing off his "take people's guns" plan.

Who does he suggest go take these AR-15s and AK-47s from people?

Maybe he knows Batman.🤷🏿‍♂️

Oh, I forgot... Batman ain't fucking with the Democrats. They "demonize" billionaires, remember? No way he's gonna let Elizabeth Warren tax the Wayne fortune. How's he gonna pay for the Batmobile's auto insurance.

I hope he uses Progressive's "name your price" tool.

Wait, did Cory Booker just say his homey who grew up in the projects with him got shot with an AK-47?

He's so gangsta.

If Cory Booker says he's "bout that life," I'm out.

Now they're talking about mandatory buybacks of machine guns, which is stupid.

Criminals and killers don't tend to say: "Dammit, I was gonna murder someone tomorrow but I guess Beto wants me to turn my gun in."

Why don't we institute a mandatory crack and heroin buyback? Why can't we issue a mandatory buyback of Trump voters? Do y'all think God has a return policy on white people?

"Rural areas" means "where white people live."

I only bring this up because, when they talked about crack, they said it was sold in "the ghetto" and "the projects."

Do y'all hear this?

"Decriminalization would help people who use opioids."

This is what happens when something becomes a white problem.

Now I'm not blaming white people for this because I'm hoping white people stop paying their student loans and attending underfunded schools

Tulsi Gabbard is kinda crazy, yall.

She's up there conducting side debates like this is a dice game.

Of COURSE, Cory Booker is a vegan. He looks like he goes to cookouts and tries to convince people that tofu burgers taste just like hamburgers if you season it right...

Because he's just like Barack Obama.

He's just not seasoned right.

Kamala Harris is attacking Elizabeth Warren about not shutting down Trump's Twitter account and Elizabeth Warren is like: But why are you taking money from big tech and big pharma, though?

And Klobuchar is like: "I'm just happy to be here. Please give me money."

The answer to states restricting reproductive rights is simple:

If men get to choose the terms under which women can terminate pregnancies, women get to choose which men get to procreate.

That's right: Mandatory penis buyback

Pete Buttigieg wants a 15-member Supreme Court.

I think the Supreme Court should have 50 member-squads but each plaintiff and defendant should pick teams for their case like pickup basketball.

Clarence Thomas would never get picked

Joe Biden just said he is the only person on stage who really got something big done like Tulsi Gabbard didn't find a white linen suit in October and Bernie Sanders didn't get a whole new heart last Tuesday

Elizabeth Warren just told Biden that he didn't do shit, Obama did and somewhere, Obama was like:

They only let Beto speak every 30 minutes and he still finds a way to say something dumb.

$1.5 trillion student debt crisis. The DOJ has become the president's personal law firm. voter suppression and gerrymandering have disenfranchised millions. Hate crimes are rising?

And The LAST question of the debate is about Ellen fucking Degeneres

WHY ARE WE SO FUCKING DUMB??

Not one legitimate second addressing the largest voter base of the party. Not one question addressing money bail, realistic plans for reparations, black voter suppression, school underfunding, big banks using economic redlining tactics, HBCU funding, independent police oversight

And that's why I make these stupid jokes...

to keep myself from gouging out my eyeballs at this admittedly interesting but clearly make-believe game of democracy that is transparently stupid.

We gotta laugh to keep ourselves from crying.

OK, you can go cry now