Thread by @KWhiteheadLab

Recently met another female professor- same career stage & family stage. She gets up at 3:30 each morning bc her days are filled w meetings & service. I was horrified, bc I require 8-9 hours of sleep every night. We talked about how to save time & I want to share here: 1/19

First, how to say no. I’ve concluded it’s possible to say no to almost anything without harming oneself by doing so thoughtfully. Saying no is imperative to keeping one’s priorities in order. 2/19

I have several standard ways of saying no. Many advice givers say you should NOT give a reason, but resentment can happen w no reason given. Especially for women. But, I try not to be TOO specific. 3/19

Begin with something nice. “Thank you for thinking of me. I would have loved to be able to do this Very Important Thing.” 4/19

If event is time/place specific & you don’t want to do it:
“Unfortunately, I (am not available)/(have other obligations)/(am traveling)/(am out of the office) that time/day/week.” Choose most appropriate answer. 5/19

If you’d like to do it but you’re already full (see Priorities, below): “I’d love to give a seminar at X! Unfortunately, my travel schedule is already full for Spring 2020. It would be wonderful if you could keep me in mind for a future semester.” 6/19

If event is ongoing (e.g. a committee): “I recognize how impt this is. Unfortunately, I‘m not going to be able to give this duty the time it deserves due to my previous commitments.” You can be more specific here IFF you are willing to trade commitment X with new thing. 7/19

You can also be more specific if you have personal stuff going on & don’t mind sharing w whoever is asking. For example, I said no to more when a) I was on maternity leave, b) my mom was going through cancer tx, c) after my dad died. 8/19

Of course, I wouldn’t share that stuff with just anyone, but it can help for certain interactions. We are all people, and most people understand that you don’t work at 100% when you’re grieving or caring for a sick relative. 9/19

Offering alternatives can soften the “no” blow & give you the appearance of being helpful. “Perhaps Joey-Joe-Joe the Jerk could serve on the Committee to Plan Parties? He’s filled with hot air & is fantastic at blowing up balloons.” 10/19

And no, you are not throwing people under the bus. Sometimes your suggested alternatives really would like to do the Very Important Thing. And if not, they can say no, too. 11/19

So, now the trick is using those Saying No strategies for things that aren’t a PRIORITY. 12/19

Decide how much travel you will do. XX trips per year, broken into seminars, conferences, review panels, and other. Same w manuscript reviews. HOLD FIRM. See above about being reconsidered in the future if it’s something you want to do. 13/19

Select service commitments strategically. You need to either be passionate about them or know they will help you attain professional goals. 14/19

For example, one of my priorities is to make Full Prof in 3-4 years. So, I’m doing more service for one of my fave organizations, @CRSScience, which is the top internat’l drug delivery society. This connects me w foreign scientists & helps to build my internal’l reputation. 15/19

I said yes to serving on the Dean’s Search Committee. I knew I’d hate the work but wanted to be a key part of the selection of someone who will have great influence over my department & my career. 16/19

Give yourself time to decide. If you know the answer is no right away, then do not hesitate. Say no right away (politely). If you’re not sure or the answer is yes, make yourself wait >= 24 hrs. Sometimes you realize you don’t really want to do the Very Important Thing. 17/19

➡️Ask yourself: “Is this something I’d be willing to do tomorrow?”
Yes? Then great, you really want to do this!
No? Well, the problem is that tomorrow will come eventually. You won’t want to do it then, either. 18/19

Finally, the hardest thing I’ve had to accept is that I simply can’t help everyone that wants my help. I can’t meet with you just because it will help you. It needs to align with one of my priorities. My time is precious. And, so is yours. 19/19