A thread of rating every horse emoji:
Apple, iOS 13.2
Total lack of withers explains lack of saddle. Back flatter than my coffee table explains lack of rider. Horse is ewe-necked, with a tiny head. Best suited for liberty training, would not recommend for performance work. 6/10
Apple, iOS 13.2
Total lack of withers explains lack of saddle. Back flatter than my coffee table explains lack of rider. Horse is ewe-necked, with a tiny head. Best suited for liberty training, would not recommend for performance work. 6/10
Google, Android 10.0
This cheerful pony has a bright look and excellent impulsion. Disproportionately large left forelimb could lead to lameness. Gigantic head, likely heavy on the forehand. Probably not a dressage prospect, but could be good for children if well-trained. 8/10
This cheerful pony has a bright look and excellent impulsion. Disproportionately large left forelimb could lead to lameness. Gigantic head, likely heavy on the forehand. Probably not a dressage prospect, but could be good for children if well-trained. 8/10
Microsoft, Windows 10 May 2019 update
This horse is lacking both mouth and nostrils, which could lead to exercise intolerance. Seems to have edema near the heartgirth, and tucked-up appearance at the barrel indicates dehydration. Colic a definite risk here. Do not purchase. 0/10
This horse is lacking both mouth and nostrils, which could lead to exercise intolerance. Seems to have edema near the heartgirth, and tucked-up appearance at the barrel indicates dehydration. Colic a definite risk here. Do not purchase. 0/10
Samsung, One UI 1.5
This horse appears to have a severely roached back, also known as kyphosis. This genetic condition may not impair performance, but will make saddle fit a challenge. However, large haunch suggests powerful movement. Possibly suitable for cowhorse sports. 2/10
This horse appears to have a severely roached back, also known as kyphosis. This genetic condition may not impair performance, but will make saddle fit a challenge. However, large haunch suggests powerful movement. Possibly suitable for cowhorse sports. 2/10
WhatsApp 2.19.244
Here we see the opposite spinal problem, lordosis, or "sway back." Common in senior horses, but this animal appears youthful, so likely a congenital defect. Very heavy on the forehand. Smiling, should have good temperament. Suggest as companion only. 4/10
Here we see the opposite spinal problem, lordosis, or "sway back." Common in senior horses, but this animal appears youthful, so likely a congenital defect. Very heavy on the forehand. Smiling, should have good temperament. Suggest as companion only. 4/10
Twitter, Twemoji 12.1.3
This little bay carries his weight in a peculiar distribution across the body. Very underweight neck, but bulging fat deposits near the stifle. Possibly insulin resistant? Recommend an intensive prepurchase exam including X-rays and bloodwork. 3/10
This little bay carries his weight in a peculiar distribution across the body. Very underweight neck, but bulging fat deposits near the stifle. Possibly insulin resistant? Recommend an intensive prepurchase exam including X-rays and bloodwork. 3/10
Facebook emoji 4.0
At last, some performance potential. Bright, alert eye, well-proportioned head and neck, good impulsion, and substantial heartgirth. Narrow-breasted, may be prone to shoulder lameness if worked over fences. Shows potential for English Pleasure. 9.5/10
At last, some performance potential. Bright, alert eye, well-proportioned head and neck, good impulsion, and substantial heartgirth. Narrow-breasted, may be prone to shoulder lameness if worked over fences. Shows potential for English Pleasure. 9.5/10
JoyPixels (what is that?) 5.0
Very concerned about this horse. He appears to be missing several lumbar vertebrae and an old injury to the gaskin has healed improperly, leaving left rear leg bent at an unnatural angle. Appears comfortable, but likely only pasture-sound. 1/10
Very concerned about this horse. He appears to be missing several lumbar vertebrae and an old injury to the gaskin has healed improperly, leaving left rear leg bent at an unnatural angle. Appears comfortable, but likely only pasture-sound. 1/10
OpenMojij 12.0
Believe it or not, this horse's lack of eyes may not limit athletic performance. Many blind horses do well under saddle. However, the missing right hindlimb will severely limit potential for soundness even as a companion. Discuss euthanasia with vet. -20/10
Believe it or not, this horse's lack of eyes may not limit athletic performance. Many blind horses do well under saddle. However, the missing right hindlimb will severely limit potential for soundness even as a companion. Discuss euthanasia with vet. -20/10
Emojidex 1.0.34
Appears to be from the same breeding program as previous prospect? Very concerned about congenital lack of eyes, parents should not be bred again. Has four limbs, but underweight due to lack of mouth. Swollen left hind, likely unsound. -10/10
Appears to be from the same breeding program as previous prospect? Very concerned about congenital lack of eyes, parents should not be bred again. Has four limbs, but underweight due to lack of mouth. Swollen left hind, likely unsound. -10/10
Messenger 1.0
Extremely large head. If not for tiny ears I would suspect this is a mule. Nice short back, but haunches underdeveloped. Possibly a weanling in an awkward phase. Pasterns and fetlocks appear abnormal, suggest radiographs before purchase. Turn out to grow up. 3/10
Extremely large head. If not for tiny ears I would suspect this is a mule. Nice short back, but haunches underdeveloped. Possibly a weanling in an awkward phase. Pasterns and fetlocks appear abnormal, suggest radiographs before purchase. Turn out to grow up. 3/10
HTC Sense 7
Most post-legged conformation I have ever seen. Would be surprised if this horse is capable of gaits above a walk. Osteoarthritis likely at an early age. Another eyeless horse. Report breeder to local humane authorities, probable hoarding situation. -4/10
Most post-legged conformation I have ever seen. Would be surprised if this horse is capable of gaits above a walk. Osteoarthritis likely at an early age. Another eyeless horse. Report breeder to local humane authorities, probable hoarding situation. -4/10
Softbank, 2014
Slightly roached back, underweight, body condition score not above a 3. Possible diamond in the rough. Uphill build will be good for hillwork and neck is well tied-in to the shoulder. Give this one a year of long slow distance to assess endurance potential. 7/10
Slightly roached back, underweight, body condition score not above a 3. Possible diamond in the rough. Uphill build will be good for hillwork and neck is well tied-in to the shoulder. Give this one a year of long slow distance to assess endurance potential. 7/10
Mozilla Firefox OS 2.5
This cute foal has unfortunately been born with an extremely short neck, more reminiscent of a cow than a horse. Appears alert and playful despite what looks like a recent break in both hind cannon bones. Charming, give her a chance as a companion. 3/10
This cute foal has unfortunately been born with an extremely short neck, more reminiscent of a cow than a horse. Appears alert and playful despite what looks like a recent break in both hind cannon bones. Charming, give her a chance as a companion. 3/10
Docomo (2013)
The only one of our prospects that appears to be started under saddle. Unfortunately, looks to be on the track and headed for a breakdown. Very heavy on the forehand, missing the left knee. Don't run him at Santa Anita, for the love of God. 0/10
The only one of our prospects that appears to be started under saddle. Unfortunately, looks to be on the track and headed for a breakdown. Very heavy on the forehand, missing the left knee. Don't run him at Santa Anita, for the love of God. 0/10
That's all our conformation critiques for today, folks, but tune in tomorrow and I'll give an equitation critique to the riders in every jockey emoji, like this guy bravely attempting No Stirrup November on the racetrack.
Here are today's jockey critiques. Spoiler: this track likely does not have a strong rider safety record.
