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The Complete Pets D&D Thread Starts here (minus pictures for ease of posting)... enjoy... I'll be adding to this periodically — keep checking back for the latest update. Thanks. DME
DM: ‘You come to large wooden door.’

Cat: ‘I knock at the door.’

DM: ‘An orc opens it and asks you to come in.’

Cat: ‘I do nothing.’

DM ‘He asks you to come inside again.’

Cat: ‘I do nothing.’

DM: ‘Eventually the orc tires and closes the door.’

Cat: ‘I knock at the door.’
Dog: ‘I want to scoot ahead.’

DM: ‘You mean ‘scout’’

Dog: ‘No, scoot - something is irritating my anus - maybe I shouldn’t have licked that orc poop.’


‘Roll for dexterity.’
DM: ‘You come to a narrow passage.’

Dog: ‘I walk through with my spear held out across me.’


DM: ‘Make a Perception roll.’

Dog: (fails)

DM: ‘You can’t get through.’

Dog: ‘Can I try again?’

DM: ‘Sure’.

Dog: (fails) 3rd time lucky?

DM: ‘What’s your intelligence?’
DM ‘You open the chest and find treasure inside.’

Cat: ‘I empty the chest of everything.’

DM: ‘You take out all the treasure.’

Cat: ‘I get in.’

DM: ‘What?’

Cat: ‘I get in the chest and close the lid.’

DM:. ‘Okaaay’.

Cat: ‘-and wait for a sneak attack.’

DM: (sighs)...
DM: ‘The skeleton warrior shatters into pieces and falls at your feet.’

Dog: ‘Search the remains.’

DM: ‘Roll for perception.’
DM: ‘You only find bones.’

Dog: ‘We’ve hit the jackpot, boys.’

DM: ‘What about the rest of the quest?’

Dog: ‘Screw it - got what I came for.’
DM: ‘With a final roar, the Red Dragon goes down - slain by your good luck and steeled determination. What do you do now?’

Cat: ‘I grab it by the neck and take it back to camp.’

DM: ‘What?’

Cat: ‘I grab it-‘

DM: It weighs over 10 tonnes!

Cat: (Rolls against Strength anyway).
DM: ‘There’s a dragon swarm up ahead’.

Dog: ‘I cast ‘Summon Animal Companion’.’

DM: ‘Alright, what animal?’

Dog: ‘A cat.’


DM: ‘Okay, a small tabby suddenly appears and awaits your orders.’

Dog: ‘I get out my provisions while watching the cat charge into battle.’
DM: ‘You see a goblin war party sat around a campfire eating supper.’

Dog: ‘I go into camp and stare at whatever they are eating.’

DM:... (rolls for reaction)

DM: ‘Surprisingly, they just stare back at you.’

Dog: ‘I beg.’

DM:... (Rolls against Charisma)

DM: SonOva-
DM: ‘The fairy princess thanks you and your party of heroes for rescuing her kin from the evil ice Trolls - they have been saved from slavery, torture and a cold grave. What you have done will echo for eternity in songs. She will grant you three wish-’

Cat: ‘I eat the fairy.’
DM: ‘You come to a dead-end, there’s nothing here but a small hole.’

Cat: ‘I go in the hole’.

DM: ‘You can’t, you’re too big.’

Cat: ‘I go in the hole.’

DM: ‘You’re wearing platemail!’

Cat: ‘I go in the hole.’

DM: ...

‘Make a wisdom check.’


DM: ‘You’re stuck.’
DM: ‘From your hiding spot you see an Orc - he hasn’t noticed you yet’.

Dog: ‘I sneak up from behind and sniff his butt’.


‘Make an intelligence roll’.
DM: ‘You are in a tavern and need a well-earned drink - but the landlord, a gruff Dwarf, seems less than pleased to see you.’

Cat: ‘I’ll be friendly towards him.’

DM: ‘Make a Charisma check.’


DM: ‘Success! The Dwarf warms to you.’

Cat: ‘I scratch his eyes out.’
DM ‘The Gnome throws the dart and-‘

Dog: ‘I run after the dart and bring it back!’

DM: ‘You can’t, it’s hit an Orc!’

Dog: ‘I jump up at the Orc, excitedly!’

DM: ...

‘Roll for intelligence’. (fails)

DM: ‘The Orc removes the dart and throws it towards a chasm, you follow...’
DM: ‘You have entered the Blackheart Forest, you will need to pass quietly here to avoid detection.’

Dog: ‘I search the trees’.

DM: ‘What are you looking for?’

Dog: ‘Squirrels’.


‘Make a perception roll’.


DM: ‘You spy a squi-’

(Stolen from Facebook - but too good to ignore, so can’t take the credit for it).

DM: ‘The wizard places a chalice on the table, filled with a strange smoking liquid. He cautions that this potion is incredibly dang—‘

Cat: ‘I knock it over.’
DM: ‘You party comes under attack from Goblin raiders - your Fighter is trying to hold back the ambush long enough for the rest of the party to escape. What are you going to do?’

Cat: ‘I sit on his head’.
Dog: ‘I want to cast Animal Friendship.’

DM: ‘On what?’

Dog: ‘The cat in my party.’

DM: ‘Cat, roll for your saving throw’.


DM: ‘It doesn’t work’.

Cat: ‘I’m going to kill you in your sleep tonight.’

Dog: ....
DM: ‘It’s late-‘

Cat: ‘I start singing loudly about our adventures.’

DM: ‘You’re not a Bard.’

Cat: ‘I keep singing.’

DM: ‘You’re NOT a Bard!’

Cat: ‘Still singing!’

DM: ‘Make a Dex Roll’.


DM: ‘A steel boot flies through the air and knocks you out.’

Cat: (sulks)
Cat: ‘I want to cast Bigby’s Giant Foot’.

DM: ‘There’s no such spel-‘.

Cat: ‘I cast Bigby’s Giant Foot.’

DM: ‘You can’t! That spell doesn’t exist! Why do you want a giant foot?’

Cat: ‘Give me a giant foot!’

DM:... (rolls dice)

DM: A giant foot appears.

DM: ‘Your ranger is wounded and near death-‘

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Cure Serious Wounds’ on her.’

(Rolls dice)

DM: ‘Your quick thinking restores the ranger back to full health - she’s extremely grate-‘

Cat: ‘I quickly backstab the ranger.’

(Rolls dice)

Cat: ‘Natural 20.’

DM ...
DM: ‘Before you is a 50ft wide chasm-‘

Cat: ‘I jump the chasm.’

DM: ‘It’s too wide-‘

Cat: ‘I jump the chasm’.

DM: ‘Roll for Dex’.
DM: ‘You don’t make it, I said it was too wide. You’re falling to your dea-‘

Cat: ‘I land on my feet.’

DM: ...

DM: ‘Roll for Dex...’
Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog.’

DM: ‘The dog returns, albeit undead.’

Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’

DM: ‘Wha- alright, the dog ‘dies’ again.’

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog.’

DM: ‘What are you doing?’

Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’

DM: ‘Stop it.’

Cat: ‘I cast-‘

DM: ‘You spot a Beholder in the chamber ahead. Everyone make a roll.’

Cat: (passes)

Dog: (passes)

DM: ‘You both sneak past it-‘

Cat: ‘I cast invisibility.’

DM: ‘There’s no need-‘

Cat: ‘I cast invisibility.’

DM: ‘Erm... Okay... you vanish.’

Dog: ‘?’

Cat: ‘I cough loudly.’
DM: 'You arrive at a fast-moving river-'

Cat: 'Sorry, what?'

DM: 'A fast-moving river.'

Cat: 'I'm not swimming that.'

DM: 'Make a perception roll'.


DM: 'The river is too dangerous to swim-'

Dog: 'Wheeee!'


Cat: ...

Cat: 'Solo Campaign?'

DM: 'Sure.'
DM: ‘You are surrounded by Vampires closing in on you’.

Cat: ‘I draw both my +5 holy daggers.’

DM: ‘Dog?’

Dog: ‘Can I have a +5 holy dagger?’

Cat: ‘No.’

Dog: ...

Dog: ‘I cast a spell.’

DM: ‘Which one-‘.

Dog: ‘Polymorph self’.

DM: ‘Wha-‘.

Dog: ‘Into a Vampire.’

Cat: ...
DM: ‘Behind this door is the Lich Lord you are tasked with defeating!’

Dog: ‘I ready my sword’.

Cat: ‘I ready my bow.’

Dog: ‘I charge in, swinging!’

(Cat walks out)

Dog: ‘?’

DM: ‘?’

(Cat joins a new campaign elsewhere)

Cat: ‘Hello, you look like a fun group to join’.
DM: ‘The Elder Titan thunders after you.’

Cat: ‘I hide.’

DM: ‘Make a hide roll.’

Cat: (passes).

DM: ‘The huge feet of the Titan pound the ground, inches from you-‘

Cat: ‘I leap at the feet.’

DM: ‘It’s a Titan! You won’t-‘

Cat: (death stare)

DM: (sighs) ‘...make a roll...’
DM: ‘You’re at a cliff edge with a sheer drop.’

Dog1: ‘I hold the rope for the rest to climb down.’

Dog2: ‘Wait - I want to hold the rope!’

Dog1: ‘Back off! It’s mine!’

DM: ‘You both tug at the rope - make a strength roll’.

(Both roll the same)

DM: ...

Cat: ‘I climb down.’
DM: ‘You spot a Mind Flayer approaching.

Cat: ‘I hide in the shadows.’

Dog: ‘I hide in the shadows too.’

DM: ‘Both make a hide roll.’

Cat: ‘19’.

Dog: ‘1’.

DM: ‘Cat, even though hidden - Dog gives you away.’


Cat: ‘Cast fireb-‘

Dog: ‘BALL!’

(Dog jumps to catch)
DM: ‘A wraith appears!’

Dog: ‘I cast Magic Circle against Evil.’

DM: ‘You draw a circle.’

Dog: ’Run inside!’

DM: ‘Roll for perception’.


DM: ‘Dog - you spot Cat outside the circle - he cannot get in.’

Cat: ‘YOU B-!’

Dog: mouthes ‘sorry’

Cat: mouthes obscenities
DM: ‘You enter an empty room’.

Cat: ‘I notice a snake monster following me - I attack it!’

DM: ‘Wha- there’s no snake mons-‘

(Rolls for an attack).

Cat: ‘Ha! Critical!’.

Cat: ...

Cat: ‘It’s my tail...’

DM: ‘You just dealt 8 damage to yourself’.

Cat: ...

@EDittert DM: ‘You enter the tavern - the patrons here look like they would literally ‘murder’ a drink.’

Dog: ‘I try to be friendly!’

(Rolls for Charisma - fails)

Dog: 🤔

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Mass Charm’ and roll playfully on the floor’.

(DM rolls)

DM: ‘Success!’

Cat: (Smug grin)

Dog: 😡
@EDittert DM: ‘Entering the dank caves, you spot a spider-‘


DM: ‘Roll for perception’.

Cat: ‘?’ (Passes)

DM: ‘As you sail through the air, you reflect on your rash decision as it’s substantially larger than your usual house variety-‘

@EDittert DM: ‘Morning breaks over camp, the party ready themselves for-‘

Cat: ‘I stay in bed.’

DM: ‘But-‘

Cat: ‘I STAY in bed-‘

Dog: (excited) ‘I’M READY! LET’S GO! LET’S G-‘.

(stares at dog)

Cat: ‘I cast ‘sleep’’.

(Rolls Dice)

Dog: ‘Muth-zzzz’.

DM: (throws hands in the air)
@EDittert Cat: ‘Casting a spell.’

DM: ‘What are you casting?’

Cat: ‘Catnap - 3rd level’.

DM: ‘Who are you casting it on?’

Cat: ‘Myself.’

DM: ‘Wha- make your saving throw then.’


Cat: ‘ZZZzzzz’.

DM: ‘FFS’.
DM: ‘Behind the door is the dragon-‘

Dog: (to party) ‘This is what we’re gonna do - Rex, I want you to cast-‘

Cat: ‘I don’t like this plan.’

Dog: ‘THIS is the plan-‘

Cat: ‘I DON’T like it.’

Dog: (casts ‘Color Spray’)

Cat: ‘Ooo... catch the pretty LIGHTS!’

Dog: ‘Anyway...’
DM: 'You slide the gold coin towards the merchant. He goes to take it-'

Cat: 'I SLAM down on his hand!'

(Roll for Dex - passes).

DM: 'The merchant stares in shock.'

Cat: 'I smile and let go'.

DM: 'Relieved, the merchant goes to ta-'

Cat: 'I SLAM down on his hand!'.

DM: ...
DM: ‘Cat has betrayed the party and stolen the Orb! You see her in the distance.’

Dog: ‘I draw my bow and fire at the fleeing cat.’

DM: ‘Roll to hit.’


DM: ‘A hit! Cat goes down - but springs back up’.


Dog: ‘I draw 8 more arrows.’

Cat: ...
DM: ‘You reach the foreboding castle gate, what do you do?’

Cat: (ignores DM)

DM: ‘?’

Cat: (ignores DM)

DM: ...

(DM packs up and leaves, drives across town to home, has dinner, watches a late night movie before bed)

(3am, noise wakes DM)

Cat: (whispers) ‘I climb the gate’
DM: ‘There’s a new member joining your party.’

Hedgehog: ‘Hello’.

Dog: ‘Well met’.

Cat: ‘What the HELL are you?’

Hedgehog: ‘Fighter.’

Cat: (laughs) ‘What!? You couldn’t-‘

(Cat taps hedgehog)

(DM rolls dice)

DM: ‘Take 3 damage’.

Cat: ‘?’

Hedgehog: ‘Spiked armour, baby.’
DM: ‘The smell from a pile of rotting food hits you hard—'

Dog: ‘I search the food’

DM: ‘It’s bad—'

Dog: 'I SEARCH the food!’

DM: ‘Make a roll’


DM: ‘You are unaffected by the stench’

Cat: ‘?’

Dog: ‘Don’t look at me’

Cat: ‘That’s gro—'

One for @Bluetrundle
DM: ‘You see a locked chest’

Dog: ‘Check for traps’

(Rolls - passes)

DM: ‘You see a trap’

Dog: ‘Disarm it’

Cat: ‘I get in the way’

Dog: ‘?-‘

DM: ‘-5 modifier’

Cat: ‘I get in the way again’

DM: ‘-10 now’


(Rolls - fails)


Dog: ...
DM: ‘Kitten sees the dragon-‘

Dog: ‘Kitten?’

Kitten: ‘Me’

Dog: ‘Where’s Cat?’

Kitten: ‘Out’

Dog: ‘I don’t-‘

Kitten: ‘I befriend the dragon’

DM: ‘Charisma?’

Kitten: ‘20’

Dog: ‘!!’

(Rolls - passes)

DM: ‘Success’

Dog: ‘You little ba-‘

Kitten: ‘I tell it to eat the dog’
DM: ‘Dog is dead, killed by the Werewolf. The beast now leaps at Cat-‘

DM: (Rolls) ‘Hit’

Cat: ‘!!!’

DM: ‘Cat takes 8 damage-’

Cat: ‘I RUN AWAY!’

(Cat flees)

(Dog opens one eye)

Dog: ‘It work?’

Werewolf: ‘Like a charm’

Dog: ‘-and he said ‘Play Dead’ was a pointless skill’
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