I had a tough deployment in Afghanistan 8 years ago. It still affects me to this day. I don't know how long it will affect me. Last night was rough because of it. I spent a lot of time talking to people I trust, one was another veteran, while I worked through reliving the pain.
Trust is a powerful and precious thing. Some people are more trusting than others. I envy them. Some people give trust sparingly, each bit earned through lots of time and reinforcement. Perhaps, like me, they suffered a betrayal of trust that broke them completely.
I grew up in foster care. It was hard to trust anything except that I would eventually pack up my belongings in a trash bag and go to a new home. But I learned to trust whilst serving in the military. It was the first time that I had finally felt like I fit in, like I belonged.
I did well. I earned "my stripes", making the rank of Sergeant, leading my own team. Senior leaders trusted me to get the job done. They trusted my team to be proficient. I trained them.
But it all crashed down around me. Everything I had worked so hard for. My manager was a female soldier looking for the next promo. I brought up a concern I had. Another team was burnt out. Also, they were scared of her. I didn't understand it then. I do now. She felt threatened
She felt I threatened her promo. That I threatened her standing as a leader. I reported to her, but people liked me, respected me. Because I cared about them. Because I was knowledgable and good at my job. I was trying to help her, by telling her so she could address it.
Instead, she told me, "you're making me out to be a monster!" perhaps that should have been my first clue. She was defensive rather than receptive. But perhaps I was still a bit naive. I had no idea a storm was coming.
Over the next several months, she proceeded to dismantle everything I had worked so hard for. She tried attacking my work ethic and proficiency directly, but my reputation there was too strong. Her accusations were thrown out. She changed tactics.
She flanked me. She attacked me personally. She ruined my moral reputation. That's such a tenuous thing, isn't it? So subjective. So easily influenced. And everyone loves a good reality TV show. I was ostracized. She used her position, abused her power to isolate me further.
Over many months she wore me down. I stopped caring. My work suffered. People believed things about me that weren't true. My peers were too afraid to back me up. They saw what she did to me. They didn't want to be targeted. I don't want to blame them, but a piece of me does.
The piece of me that trusted them. Someone close to me, who should have been in my corner, believed the lies she told. Their own self-doubt and self esteem issues allowed them to break faith with me. My isolation was complete. I had reached the bottom. And I had nothing left.
It was my darkest hour. I never thought I would go so low. I wanted the pain to end. Each day was torture. Each waking moment was a reminder of my loss. Perhaps if it had been the only challenge I was facing I could have weathered it better. But I was in Afghanistan. At war.
My friends were dying. My family back home was in turmoil. Everything was going wrong. And I was alone. Isolated. The story could have ended here. It could have ended several months later after I returned home and continued to be isolated. She continued to diminish me as a threat
But it didn't. I got help. Eventually. Therapy. I got out. I started something new. I rebuilt. I did what I always do. I cared. I helped grow people. My reputation repaired, stronger than before. I trust again. But sometimes its a hard thing to do. To trust.
So last night was hard. Because all of that. And today I'm exhausted. But I wanted to share. Because sharing helps me rebuild. And because maybe sharing can help someone else when they're struggling, and they can see that it can turn out alright, in the end.
Do what is right. In your heart. Even in the face of fear and demons. /end
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