Thread by @raztweets

So if you want a flavour of what it's like having crazy toddlers aged 5 and 3 - read this thread. It will make your day 😂

So there I was minding my own business in the shower, having a relaxing time - when I hear commotion outside.

Obviously as a father, you start panicking when you hear children rushing and screaming outside. So I quickly get out to see what's up.

My kids were in the garden playing while I was getting ready for work. I come out in my towel & my family is there shocked. 'What's wrong?'

Musa (5 yr old): BABA. THERE IS A MASSIVE SNAKE IN THE GARDEN!!!
Me: What?!? Are you sure??)
Musa: YES!!!

Meanwhile my 3 yr old daughter (Maryam) is clinging to her mother who has my 1 yr old neice in her lap.
Me: Ahem. Are you sure?
Musa: YES!!!

Now if there is anytime the irony of a Musa running to me to help with a snake would be apparent, it would be now.

But I was doubtful.

Me: Where was it?!
Musa: In the big bushes behind the swings! IT HAS BIG YELLOW EYES and was sitting just staring.
Me: Did you touch it?!

Musa: No!! I just told Maryam to run and we ran back
Me: DID YOU CLOSE THE DOORS???
Musa: No...
Me: BRUTHA WUT??

Meanwhile my wife's googling shizz.

Wife: OMG. There's actually been several sightings here.

The woman starts pulling up news articles.

Now the fear levels are peaking.

Me: Look it's the UK, there aren't any dangerous snakes here fgs
Wife: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!
Me: There aren't!

But you know them attention seekers who think they're all cool and have pet snakes but they escape in to communities? That.

My son's a geek. He never lies and knows everything about reptiles.

Me: How big was it?
Musa: YOU KNOW IN PREHISTORIC TIMES, THE TITANOBOA?

For those who don't know what a titanoboa is - please refer to the image below:

Bruh. Ok clearly it wasn't that big. But what if a python or something escaped and found refuge in our garden?

YELLOW EYES FAM.

Can't take chances with little kids man. My wife, my wcw, goes: 'You're the qawwam go check it out'

Never regretted being a man before now.

Musa meanwhile takes the phone and starts dialling the police. We of course tell him police don't deal with this.

I'm still in my towel btw

So we take the phone away. I get dressed and walk down, while my kids stop me incase I die.

Maryam bursts out crying half way down.

Me: IT'LL BE OK

So I go down and tell them to stay inside. But deep inside I was bricking it. Fam, I even prayed two rakaah before going.

Meanwhile wife keeps reminding me that it's my duty to protect the family.

Wife: Are you sure??!
Me:

So I grab an umbrella, you know, to impale the python should it attack me.

My family looking at me like they gettin' a new daddy.

So I walk out tapping the grass with the umbrella as I walk. Bruv, I was hallucinating. Walking like I was having withdrawal symptoms.

I was about to face a giant python, possibly thereafter my Lord, while my family was inside the house looking through the windows like

My sins start weighing on me as I walk towards the infamous bushes. If only today was The Day of Arafah. What a day to die. Legs shaking.

I see the bush. I cannot again emphasise the irony of Musa running away from a bush.

Here's a picture of the bush vs what it felt like:

The news stories. The titanoboa. Maryam crying. The hype was real. I'm going to die today.

To God We Return.

I look around the bush, from a distance. Poking branches and looking around incase the brutha decided to pull a homer when it saw me coming

Musa opens a window: LOOK ON THE FLOOR!!!

Me: OK I WILL GIVE ME A MINUTE. YA ALLLAAAAAH.

And I look, and look.

And I see it. I see the goddamn thing.

Do you see it?

No? Well, whilst shaking uncontrollably, I lean in closer to take a better picture incase I was wrong.

Now, do you see it?

If you're still having trouble, let me point it out for you.

IT WAS A GODDAMN STICK.

I obviously showed Musa the picture to which he replied: 'LOOK the snake saw you coming and replaced himself with a stick to fool you.'

All of that commotion because my son, Musa (Moses), was fooled by a snake shaped staff in a bush.

FAM, I'M STILL DYING AT THE IRONY 😂😭

And that my friends - is a lesson in how media, fear mongering & little kids can escalate a nothing-situation in to the ultimate fear 😂😂😂.