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Cleolinda Jones @cleolinda
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I think that’s on my mind because my allergies are giving me hell but I think I’m gonna sit down with the SW prequels today, and hating on them for several hours is not actually what I had in mind.
I have come to really value absurdity as a source of joy and humor, which I think is what our Jupiter Ascending thread was getting at. If we’re hypothesizing that The Culture was extremely cynical circa ~2000, then yeah, bad timing for the prequels.
(I’m making breakfast, not watching yet. Officially a merry little #sithmas though?)
I don’t remember a whole lot about Phantom Menace, and all I have is a dusty VHS copy. I primarily remember Padme’s costumes, which are in the dictionary next to “extra” and were never matched by her descendants. #sithmas
I left TFA *convinced* that Rey was a Skywalker or AT LEAST a Naberrie because as the prequels demonstrate, hair buns are hereditary. This logic is flawless. #sithmas
And that’s the thing. I grew up with the OT, I had a creepy plush ewok with terrifying beady eyes, but I didn’t LOVE Star Wars until the new movies. I am a Fake Fan Girl™ and everybody is just going to have to deal with that. #sithmas
You will also have to deal with my propensity to relate everything to the Galaxy of Heroes mobile game. “OH MAN, THAT DUDE! I LOVE THAT DUDE, HIS ZETA SPECIAL IS B R U T A L” #sithmas
What else do I remember. Hm. Way more YIPPEE! than phantoms. Adequate amounts of menace. At some point Liam Neeson was telling a Gillette razor that midichlorians are the powerhouse of the cell #sithmas
Maul’s zeta leader (“Dancing Shadows”) is a NIGHTMARE—but because it means you can’t hit anyone in his squad twice in a row. Qui-Gon is surprisingly squishy and always the first Jedi I try to take out, which, fair enough. #sithmas
Wait, I’m sorry, “formatted to fit your screen”? Am I watching a pan-and-scan version of Attack of the Clones in the Year of Our Lord 2017? Lucasfilm ALLOWED this? NOBODY EVEN HAS SQUARE TVS ANYMORE!! #sithmas
Y’all, I’m so horrorstruck. Why would you do this. The big lush wide shots were what the prequels had going for them in the first place! And now? The “full screen” picture only takes up half my screen, because we have now entered the Twilight Zone. #sithmas
I seriously had like half a panic attack and started pricing used widescreen discs on Amazon for a minute. This is a monstrosity. Oh look there’s fake Padme getting blown up #sithmas
Ah yes, the miscellaneous alien Jedi. 1) I only saw a few eps of Clone Wars. 2) I DO need to go back and finish unlocking Kit Fisto. 3) “Kit Fisto” #sithmas
BARRISS AND LUMINARA I LOVE THEM!! Lumi (yes, we call her that) was my cornerstone toon in the game for such a long time. Offense, healing, ability block, knock you the fuck down. ILU. #sithmas
I do like how they were able to loop around and have Ian McDiarmid play the “younger” Palpatine in a timey-wimey happenstance. WEIRD NAME WATCH: Palpatine’s first name is “Sheev.” #sithmas
Fun fact, the relatively simple ensemble Padme has in this scene, some kind of dark purple/blue business with hella sleeves, is my favorite. Like if I were a space queen, I would want to wear that. #sithmas
It’s well-documented that Padme’s hair/wardrobe includes Asian, African, and Navajo influences. I will simply note that I feel like the Afro-futurism of Black Panther is an evolution into “our culture, our costume, our story.” #sithmas
I’m not qualified to run a discussion right now re: cultural appropriation more complex than that, but I didn’t want to let it pass without comment. #sithmas
Padme currently blaming disgruntled spice miners on the “political idealist” Count Dooku, continuing the prequel trend of Politics! For Kids! #sithmas
Side note, I was delighted when Leia’s Dad showed up on Brooklyn Nine Nine as Santiago’s Dad. Jimmy Smits is a Good Dad. #sithmas
CGI Yoda low key giving Palpatine the force stinkeye, which admittedly he probably could not have gotten past him as a puppet #sithmas
IMO people kind of seem to be reading their lines sight unseen off cue cards, but I *know* they aren’t, this is just genuinely the “adventure serial” acting style Lucas wanted. I swear I have seen something where he talks about digitally stitching takes mid-sentence. #sithmas
I really need to stop chatting with people (ilu!) and unpause the movie. I am legit still on the second scene. #sithmas
OF THIS FULLSCREEN MONSTROSITY. So anyway, is the tiny braid/ponytail combo supposed to be the padawan equivalent of a STUDENT DRIVER sign or what #sithmas
The one person Lucas’ intentional directorial style cannot keep down is Ewan McGregor. Witness the smoove lilt he puts on “since that nest of gundarks” #sithmas
Anakin is about to see Padme for the first time since he was Jake Lloyd. Which reminds me, bb Anakin's line about her looking "like an angel" really raises a lot of cosmo-theological questions IMO #sithmas
This elevator Jedi banter is so strange ("Oh. Ha ha. Yes.") and tbh I'm not really digging the Jesus Kenobi look, I much prefer the third-prequel hair #sithmas
You know what, I don't even have the energy to complain about Jar Jar. It is what it is, and I can kind of see where they were trying to go with it. (I still wish they'd done Darth Jar Jar and blown everyone's mind.) #sithmas
I think the prequels' intention was to show this three-part arc from total childish innocence (Jar Jar included) sliding into well-meant corruption. I just don't know how well it's executed tonally. #sithmas
Ultimately, I think these movies are aimed at younger/family audiences, and always were, than "horrifying slide into homicidal corruption" would seem to indicate. There's two really different things going on throughout. #sithmas
"You know! For kids! Who we slay mercilessly in Episode III. Like, literal toddlers." It's like, I either want these movies to go way darker or way lighter, there's a weird tension. OTOH, something something balance of the Force? #sithmas
Side note: I really like Rose Byrne in this movie. I feel like that's who i would have been in this universe. Random handmaiden who at least lives but doesn't do a whole lot. Her cloak is real pretty. #sithmas
"Ani? My goodness, you've grown," said Padme to her future secret husband #sithmas
This is actually a really good point—I’ve always thought the Harry Potter books did a similar thing and, being a longer series, made that more immediately apparent
Meanwhile I was 20, in college, and sick of seeing Jar Jar on all my pizza boxes #sithmas
I'm three scenes in and already it's time to break for lunch. I gotta make different choices in this process #sithmas
I’m back. “Ani, you’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tattooine.” This wouldn’t be so ~aWkwArD~ if Padme had also been a little girl. It’s just... augh, man, I wish they’d skipped bb Anakin and used Christensen in TPM. But then he’d be DOUBLE too old to padawan. #sithmas
This is why I appreciate The Last Jedi being like, “Everything about this process is bad and it should feel bad.” Also: #sithmas
Obi-Wan and Anakin bickering in front of company, Part 1 of 25322678849. This is where the charges of “whines all the time” come from, I think. “I AM *SO* A BIG BOY SPACE DETECTIVE!” #sithmas
Admittedly, we did not see Ben Solo in any awkward braidytail phase, which is in retrospect a very shrewd decision. Who knows, he might have been a champion whiner too. But as seen, Kylo Ren feels like what Lucas was *trying* to do with Anakin. #sithmas
My mentions are a discussion party and I am getting nowherrrrrrre #sithmas
I'm STILL on "Jar Jar, she friendzoned meeeeee"--omg Zam Wesell, I love her, she's so purple (she could lose the murderpedes though). Really trying to work on her in the game, my bounty hunters are LACKING. #sithmas
"She covered the cameras. I don't think she liked me watching her [sleep]. I can sense everything going on in that room." Cool it, Edward. I'm not even sorry #sithmas
"I'd rather dream about Padme. She's intoxicating" do u realize u are saying this out loud. oh my god reacquire some chill #sithmas
One of the things I like about watching these in story order is that I'm gonna get to A New Hope and be like "Alec Guinness is doing a really good Ewan McGregor impression" #sithmas
R2 sweeping a spotlight over the chair in the corner, because he had the same Midnight Sun thoughts I did #sithmas
I also like how Anakin and Obi-Wan bicker over who's better at sensing what's going on in Padme's bedroom. I'm just saying, I cling to an alternate ship here #sithmas
So it's Obi-Wan hanging from a mid-air speeder chase. I bet this is GREAT in widescreen. *STARES* #sithmas
Oh, right, a STOLEN speeder. I'm not really a city girl, but I think Coruscant is one of my favorite SW settings. #sithmas
Anakin just.... leaping out of a spacecar 50000 stories up, that seems fine. Something a touch "Blade Runner on Adderall" about the whole thing. OH MY LORD IS IT DEATHSTICKS SOON #sithmas
"You're going to be the death of me" I'm torn between "WOMP WOOOOMP" and feeling legitimately sad #sithmas
"You're the closest thing I have to a father." "Then why don't you listen to me?" They are having this honestly very calm discussion in a space nightclub #sithmas
wow, is that lady with her back to the camera wearing completely transparent red pants. I mean COMPLETELY. Star Wars ~After Dark~ #sithmas
Ohhhh, it's a sports bar. I like that there's totally in-universe, like, droid soccer and podracing on huge screens in the background. I will say, Star Wars has always been good at that kind of world-building. #sithmas
Purple twi'lek totally checking Anakin out. OH MY GOD THE DEATHSTICKS DUDE, I'D FORGOTTEN HOW WEIRD HIS VOICE IS #sithmas
Okay, listen. Am I hallucinating that Lucas named this guy "Elian Sleazebaggano" and everyone went "uh what are you saying here" and he was like "UH I MEAN ELAN"? Because, you see, two years previous...… #sithmas
I specifically remember this happening. I can't remember how old I am, but I remember this happening. Also: S L E A Z E B A G G A N O #sithmas
*blows deathstick smoke*
Anyway, this is the guy that Obi-Wan gives an impromptu Force intervention. #sithmas
They also seem to have retconned (?) his name into being a *nickname.* This has been Weird Name Watch. #sithmas…
OMFG #sithmas
"Jedi business, go back to your drinks." THAT WAS A CROWDED BAR! YOU DON'T JUST LIGHT IT UP LIKE THAT! #sithmas
"You don't need guidance, Anakin." Okay, this is your... well, your umpteenth clue that Palpatine is Up to Something. Like, could any single person need MORE guidance than this kid #sithmas
Yoda just chilling on his hoverboard for a Jedi walk-and-talk #sithmas
"In some ways... in a lot of ways... I'm really *ahead* of him." And Padme just like surejan.gif. While trying to pretend like any single part of her wardrobe could fit in a suitcase. #sithmas
Okay, the exchange "It must be frustrati--" "IT'S WORSE!! :(" is our primary exhibit of Whiny Anakin evidence. You cannot tell me that was not INTENDED to be as childish as humanly possible. #sithmas
So now I'm having to cope with the idea that Whiny Boys Need Love Too is the actual premise of this movie. "HE'S OVERLY CRITICAL! HE NEVER LISTENS!" #sithmas
Okay, so... (*does math* *carries the one*) part of the appeal here is to maybe a (young male?) viewer who feels unappreciated, like he's not being allowed to grow up as fast as he wants, that people don't see him as an adult. #sithmas
And while I have talked to women who love these movies--in my 20s when this came out, I would have identified with Padme. I would have been like, stop looking at me like I'm something you've got to prove, you were a little boy. #sithmas
"HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND! IT'S NOT FAIR!!" oh my god #sithmas
"Anakin... don't try to grow up too fast." help me #sithmas
"But I am grown up. You said it yourself." "PLEASE DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT." What was I just telling you #sithmas
Padme: "It makes me feel uncomfortable." And he SMIRKS. Let me put it this way: this is how I would write a guy whose ass she's supposed to kick in the third act. #sithmas
It's not that this movie GAVE me a headache, it's just that I have one. Padme is leaving, alone with Anakin, and Dorme is worried. I told you she was me. #sithmas
Obi-Wan is concerned that Anakin will do something foolish. Captain Typho,
Padme's captain, is more worried about Padme, PADME, doing something foolish. To can, I am unable. #sithmas
Ah, here is Dexter's Diner. Theme: less 1950s Americana than I remembered. I feel like "robot waitress in a space diner" is the most Jupiter Ascending moment so far. The "just say it out loud and it's hilarious" #sithmas
The "everything including the kitchen sink" fantasy mashup quality, which I think I respect more in light of JA. At the time it seemed wildly un-Star Wars, but isn't it just in the cantina template? #sithmas
A little pocket setting where we get a glimpse of other people in this universe (possibly with food and drink). Cantina, Jabba's palace, Maz's castle, deathstick nightclub, space casino. #sithmas
I have no idea why Ewan McGregor's eyes are just SPARKLING in this scene. Like he is completely jazzed about space coffee. I could go for some space coffee right now. #sithmas
I think the prequels end up being more of a genre mashup than the OT, and that threw people (including me) a little. This diner informant opens up a little detective subplot, for example #sithmas
Padme reminding Anakin that Jedi aren't allowed to love, because human nature will totally tolerate that, and he clarifies that they can't have ATTACHMENTS. As your love interest, I wouldn't feel better about that #sithmas
Now he's rules-lawyering that compassion is central to the Jedi way and that's a KIND of love so really the Jedi are ORDERED to love and Padme looks like she is actually starting to think this is cute, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #sithmas
He coyly mentions dreaming about her and she kind of casts her eyes down shyly rather than telling him off, so, I mean, I guess I'd rather have gradually consensual weirdness than unwanted creeper #sithmas
The Jedi library has been insulted and may also have been tampered with. Hey, there's Aayla. And Yoda is training younglings, basically so we know they exist before... what happens. #sithmas
Naboo is probably actually my favorite setting. We discuss Democratically Elected Child Queens. We check in with the current queen and it's picnicking next, isn't it? #sithmas
Nute Gunray discussion. Nobody in the mobile game uses Nute Gunray. Nobody likes Nute Gunray. Nute Gunray doesn't like Nute Gunray. #sithmas
omg they are SO BAD now I have a sore throat, it's awful
"Oh, he's not REALLY a Jedi, he's just a padawan--" Ohhh, now you done it. Some "EXCUSE ME" "**EXCUSE ME**" bickering. Everyone looks away awkwardly. #sithmas
No picnics yet, we are on the rain planet with Obi-Wan stumbling across the secret clone army some rain aliens are building for, uh *checks notes* the Republic? Obviously this is sketch as hell #sithmas
oh my god it's happening #sithmas
Like, I get what's happening. Here's a boy from a poor desert planet hanging out with a beautiful woman at the pinnacle of wealth and luxury; he is trying to flirt with her, but is also awkward and bashful and maybe even intimidated. #sithmas #sandmas
I honestly do get the beats of this narrative, the distances this kid is struggling to bridge. He's trying to tell his lady fair that she's soft and beautiful. It just comes out as "I DON'T LIKE SAND, IT'S COARSE AND ROUGH AND IT GETS EVERYWHERE" #sithmas
Like, in the first Twilight movie, Edward blurts out "YOU CAN GOOGLE IT" and it's played as "oh, honey, no." I think "SAND" would have worked better that way. #sithmas
Aw, man, she's into it. Why are you into it. Oh god, they actually kiss right here. SAND WORKED ON HER. But then she's like "NO, WE MUSTN'T" and he's like "but... sand?" #sithmas
Back to Rain Planet. I question bringing Jango (and young Boba) Fett into this (as clone prototype), but it does work better than some of the cameo appearances in both Phantom Menace and Rogue One. At least it's plot relevant. #sithmas
Picnic dress! Maybe the actual best dress. Look at all the embroiderrrry and the medieval bun netttttts. Also Padme asks him if he's gonna try to Force trick her and he's clearly thinking "well sand worked, didn't it" #sithmas
I feel like the amount of skin and number of corsets she's deploying is meant to indicate that she has profoundly conflicted feelings about turning him down. But he was freaking her out while she was packing? When did her mind change? #sithmas
I mean, no, of course no one was thinking about that while filming, but she had to have changed her mind at SOME point--she was already wearing a backless dress for SAND. When? Why? #sithmas
As much as I love her wardrobe, I'm just not seeing a whole lot of... I'm seeing interiority for Padme but it doesn't feel *logical*? #sithmas
Picnicking! Frolicking! Boys she previously dated! LET'S TALK ABOUT POLITICS. This is the most animated Natalie Portman has been in the entire movie, arguing against fascism. #sithmas
Anakin getting trampled by Naboovian fauna of unusual size! Rain planet pterodactyl! A wild sore throat appears! I am not best pleased. #sithmas
Ah, here's the scene where he floats her fruit. It's a pear. She's wearing a strangely goth corset ensemble with a capelet of space raven feathers. #sithmas
So now we're sitting in a firelit room and she's in a black leather corset and he's bringing out the "I can't breathe" sweet talk and "I'm haunted by the kiss you never should have given me" and BUT WE MUSTN'T! BUT WE MUST!! #sithmas
Day 43. Struggling to thread. Tell my family they're better than sand
At Mixed Signals Manor. I'm so baffled by this (beautiful) costume choice, unless this is sort of symbolic of how Anakin sees her--a source of pain, "haunted," "scar," "suffering," a withholding dominatrix? That seems like overstating it? What even. #sithmas
"We could keep it a secret!" "We would be living a lie!" BUT WE MUST!! Wait, no, he agrees it would destroy them. Then he glares at her forebodingly. As you do. #sithmas
"Jedi don't have nightmares," he lies. Oh, that's right, his mom is still back on Tattooine because Qui Gon was like "I mean we can't free her from slavery or anything" #sithmas
Back on the rain planet, Jango Fett is the assassin who subcontracted Zam Wesell to assassinate but then he assassinated her and now he is trying to assassinate Obi-Wan. In the rain. Oh hey I have that ship! #sithmas
I'm not even dealing with Watto. "Heya! Remember when I used to own you and your mom!" #sithmas
I'm not sure I mentioned that Boba Fett is Jango's son in the sense that he is actually a young clone of him. So technically, this movie shows us what Boba Fett looks like. I would say I don't care, but I do use him as PVP leader #sithmas
Wait, if Threepio is always on about "Thank the Maker!" and he calls Anakin "the maker!" then... again, theological questions abound #sithmas
I'm not sure why Padme chose a drapey belly-baring ensemble to go look for Anakin's long-lost mother on the desert planet, but it is FABULOUS and so is her hooded velvet cloak #sithmas
You know, I remember this shot of Anakin all mad on the speeding speederbike being great. IN WIDESCREEN #sithmas
🎶DUEL OF THE FATES🎶 [ANGRY SPACE MOTORCYCLE] 🎶DUEL OF THE FATES🎶 [getting directions from a jawa]
To this day I refuse to play any Tusken Raiders in the mobile game. They just creep me out so bad. Do they even have faces under there? IF THEY DO I DON'T WANT TO KNOW #sithmas
omg finally Christopher Lee has showed up! With... Nute Gunray?! Why do I remember exactly none of this? Anyway, the Political Idealist is having a treason board meeting, it's going pretty well #sithmas
The worst part about the Tusken Raider thing is that Shmi has clearly been horribly tortured for a solid month... why? They're just Desert Evil? (She promptly dies in Anakin's arms.) #sithmas
Yoda senses that "young Skywalker is in terrible pain" because tbqh you guys fucked up by not freeing his mom umpteen years ago and instead just being like "human feeling, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" #sithmas
We're currently on "Why'd she have to die! I could have saved her! SOMEDAY I WILL BE ALL-POWERFUL AND I CAN SAVE PEOPLE" which, honestly, is childlike in a way I get. A certain idealism set up to go very bad. #sithmas
Here is a version of it. Also google revealed some fanfic elsewhere:…
"IT'S ALL OBI-WAN'S FAULT! HE'S JEALOUS!!" *THROWING THINGS* I have really got to believe now that they made him sound this childish on purpose. Like, stunted maturity, sullen naivete, something. #sithmas
Anakin now tearfully confesses that he killed the entire Tusken camp, "even the children." Shmi's husband previously said, "Those Tuskens walk like men, but they're vicious, mindless monsters." So this is like... intermediate mass murder, not a dealbreaker? #sithmas
"THEY WERE LIKE ANIMALS! AND I SLAUGHTERED THEM LIKE ANIMALS!! I HATE THEM!!!" [VADER THEME] Padme... pats him gently. I get that her kindness is bringing him back but also: distinct underreaction, maybe #sithmas
Padme in her white spacesuit and cape for the funeral. (Shmi's husband seems like a good guy. His son and son's wife are Luke's aunt and uncle, just so we get to see them before... what happens) #sithmas
I REALLY want us to get a Padme for Galaxy of Heroes, and I feel like the white Geonosis ensemble is what we would get. Hopefully BEFORE it's half torn off her #sithmas
Actually she HAS just announced that she's commandeering the ship to go save Obi-Wan and Anakin can deal with it
I really like that Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing each did a star war. I feel like that probably meant something to him. No word how he felt about being "Count Dooku" #sithmas
I'm incorrigible, yes
See, the reason you hire someone like Christopher Lee is so that he can just pace around a revolving space wizard and monologue darkly and play the "JOIN ME" card and sell it without even trying. #sithmas
"If you give me supreme power, Jar Jar, I will totally give it back when I am done. Oooh, who left this army lying around?" *senate golf clapping* #sithmas
At this point I am simply going to say that a little Threepio goes a LONG way for me, and that goes double for the factory danger shenanigans. #sithmas
Did R2 hover-fly prior to this movie? Did people have feelings about this? All I know is, in the game he sprays flaming oil on your enemies and then cheerfully flies back to you #sithmas
Flying bug alien gladiatorial combat arena, why not. Facing possible death, Padme is fresh out of fucks and tells Anakin that she loves him just in case they don't make it out uneaten #sithmas
I genuinely do enjoy this part
How does Padme have a pick for her handcuffs? Because she's Padme Amidala, motherfuckers. #sithmas
Aaaand there goes half her shirt. That crab mantis can't even get ONE of those fifteen layers off Ewan McGregor? FOH. #sithmas
We're all three of us riding a triceratops when the rolly-robots show up. But then! Mace Windu! All the miscellaneous Jedi we get to see before... well, what happens #sithmas
We're still on monsters and robots and sabers, oh my, but honestly I'm less tired than I was when I was trying to do Space Relationship Discourse for three hours #sithmas
Mace Windu just took Jango Fett's head off and Christopher Lee legit threw them this look like "oh shit, that's not cool AT ALL." Wee Boba sadly picks up the helmet, and ISTG in the theater I thought the head was still in there #sithmas
Guys there's so much movie left in this movie #sithmas
Threepio's disembodied head saying "I'm quite beside myself" was the moment in the movie theater when I was like "NO. I REJECT THESE HAPPENINGS" #sithmas
Speaking of disembodied heads, it seems many commenters ALSO assumed Jango's is still in the helmet. When wee Boba sadly presses it to his forehead. And presumably took the helmet for his own. #sithmas
Oh god, Yoda hasn't even gone flippy on Dooku yet. Do you see why I said this movie made time go backwards? (It's my fault for chatting all afternoon) #sithmas
Honestly, I can see why Clone Wars made a good show (taking place right after this movie?), because there's like three movies in this movie #sithmas
Padme has fallen out of the troop carrier into the desert, and Anakin is like "I CAN'T LEAVE HER THERE IN THE SAAAAAND!!!!" #sithmas
Anakin just totally Leeroy Jenkins out there at Dooku and lost an arm for his trouble #sithmas
Obi-Wan's not feeling so good himself--wait, Anakin's still got the arm, lots of flashing red and blue l--nope, there it goes #sithmas
Okay, I'm not sure how I feel about Yoda going flippy, but it's *hilarious* as a special skill in the game. Also *Dooku* was Yoda's padawan? Goddamn he's old #sithmas
Interesting thing about Star Wars--massive droid armies = bloodless, guiltless battle scenes. Previously, you got that with faceless Stormtroopers if you didn't think about it too hard. #sithmas
But then they show us the human prototype for the clone troopers. In Clone Wars, they get names and personalities. The clones become the stormtroopers, right? Where does that leave us when we watch the OT? #sithmas
And Finn turns into the logical extension of that, as a First Order trooper who we see interacting by name with other troopers (one of whom feels betrayed!). It's a great reversal but it raises... some questions. #sithmas
Anyway. Turns out Dooku was playing both sides and is actually working for Darth Sidious, who is so blatantly Palpatine in a hood; secret Skywalker wedding with a very 1920s veil, robot arm, etc. #sithmas
I really thought I could knock out two movies in real time, but apparently not, and also it looks like news is breaking. At the very least I will take a long dinner break. #sithmas
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