Thread by @SamSykesSwears

Batman bored on a saturday night, calling up the Joker.
"Hello?"
"hey, were you planning on doing any crimes tonight"
"Not tonight no"
"well...I mean, you better not"
"I wasn't"
"good because that'd make me mad"
"Well, I wouldn't want that"
"...okay, bye."

"Hello?"
"hey, is this penguin"
"No, he's not here"
"this is Batman"
"Oh, yeah. No, he said he was going to the store."
"to do crimes??"
"N-no. Just to get...umbrellas"
"umbrellas"
"Yeah"
"from a store"
"Yeah"
"because he doesn't have a million"
"...sigh, hang on, I'll get him"

"hey is this poison ivy"
"Yeah"
"this is batman, are you doing any crimes"
"Not tonight"
"I just thought you might be doing a crime"
"No. I'm just hanging out with plants""
"oh"
"But you can come over if you want. I got a cactus here that just screams"
"why"
"I...don't know"

"mad hatter, this is batman"
"Hi Batman. Are you wearing a hat right now?"
"are you doing any wait what"
"Like a bowler derby or a top hat or a stetson?"
"no, man"
"Well, if you're planning to, can you call me?"
"what"
"Or text me. Anytime. I'm not going to sleep tonight."
"what"

"riddler, this is batman, are you doing any"
"Hey, BUTTman"
"listen, I am trying to see if"
"Are you in your BUTTcave, ahahaha"
"cut it out and let me finish"
"Where's your BUTTsignal, HAHAHAHA"
"GOD DAMN IT RIDDLER THAT IS NOT WHAT IT IS CALLED"

"mr freeze are you doing any crimes"
"No, Batman. I am trying to discover how to use the internet"
"oh oka-"
"My grandson set it up for me"
"that's nice of him"
"Are you familiar with steamed hams, Batman"
"n...no"
"He keeps talking about this. I hate him so much, Batman"

"Batman? This is Killer Croc"
"oh hey, what's up"
"I hear you're looking for crimes. I'm doing one. Come stop me"
"are you, croc?"
"..."
"are you really doing a crime?"
"..."
"or are you trying to get me to come watch anime with you again?"
"...some of it is really tasteful."

"BATMAN?"
"is that scarecrow?"
"YES I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT A CRIME"
"oh jeez"
"THOSE LARGE KIDS ARE BACK, BATMAN, AND THEY'RE BEING FOOLISH AT ME"
"that's not a crime"
"THEY SAY I HAVE BUTTMOUTH DISEASE"
"..."
"I DON'T. THAT'S NOT A REAL DISEASE"
"..."
"I'M A DOCTOR"

"Hello?"
"hey superman, how are you"
"Terrible. The weight of the world's sorrows rests on my shoulders."
"yeah I'm having a hard night, too"
"Oh, are you? Do you have x-ray vision?"
"no"
"Do you know how many dicks I see in a day, Batman?"
"uh...a lot?"
"A lot."

“Hello?”
“catwoman are you doing a crime”
“No, I’m just cruising tinder”
“oh”
“Oh, hold on. Did you know Commissioner Gordon is on this?”
“really?”
“Woah, here’s a pool pic. Damn.”
“so are you going to do crimes or”
“Hang on, I’m texting Barbara to tell her her dad is hot, haha.”

"hello?"
"Batman! Hey!"
"two face?"
"Yeah, hey, what's up? Are you busy? Are you doing anything?"
"i'm uh looking for crimes. are you"
"Oh yeah, no, love crime. Totally into some crime"
"are you drunk"
"Haha whaaaaaaat?"
"you sound drunk"
"Brother I am just living my best life"

“hey clayface”
“Batman! How are you?”
“not so good I’m looking for crimes”
“Ohhhh no, are there no crimes?”
“not really no”
“Ohhhh nooo. I’d help but I JUST put on E.T.”
“no thats cool you sound busy”
“But you keep at it, pal. I bet you solve a bunch of crimes”
“thanks I will”

in your expert opinion does this seem like legitimate catwoman dialogue

“bane? are you there?”
“Yes, hello, Batman”
“i’m looking for crimes”
“I see. And how many others have you called?”
“I dunno. Seven or so”
“...oh”
“what”
“I just thought we were...nevermind. I’m not doing a crimes”
“are you crying”
“No”
“it’s okay to cry”
“I’M NOT CRYING”

"hey, r'as al ghul"
"Hey Batman, hang on, a grasshopper got in here and I've got it cornered"
"are you doing any"
"The little turd just snuck in sometJESUS CHRIST"
"what"
"HOLY CRAP THERE IT IS OH MY GOD IT'S FLYING EVERYWHERE"
"uh"
"oh my god HELP IT'S ALL UP IN MY HAIR CHRIST"