ok settle in bc here’s the story of my first hours in paris this morning
we arrived super early in the morning as we had to get on a different plane bc Air France is all on strike. i haven’t properly slept in days.
to top it off French train drivers are also on strike (bc this is france) so we couldn’t get fully into town from CDG.
to top it off French train drivers are also on strike (bc this is france) so we couldn’t get fully into town from CDG.
we’re finally on the metro, exhausted but almost there. we have small suitcases and it’s an absolutely packed train in morning peak hour but we just fit.
suddenly I’m aware two guys are really pushing into me, more than everyone else on the train is being forced to push into each other. I’m used to commuting on top of people in NY but this is a LOT
i tell my partner softly (in heavily accented Australian English - a trick i use sometimes to avoid being understood by others) to just be aware of his belongings and he gets the picture.
all the time, I’m thinking this guy on your right leaning into your butt is gonna go for my wallet. pay attention to your back pocket. wallet. wallet. wallet.
(note here: I’ve lived in paris, and now NY, and never had any problems carrying a wallet in my back pocket, but i’m exhausted and i look like a disheveled tourist)
i don’t say anything but notice a cute French guy with a gallic beard making eyes at me. ‘not now!’ i think. I’m too tired and also wallet wallet wallet
after several stops the train stops at republique, a big station where i reckon the guy leaning against my backside is gonna go for my wallet.
WALLET WALLET WALLET WALLET
doors open and bang I can feel him essentially start to grab my ass and slide his hand and i elbow him and tell him to fuck off but as I do this the other guy is also getting off and leans into me and I briefly lose my balance
it all happens very quickly but as I get straightened, I’m very aware - and pleased - i still have my wallet!
i proudly tell my partner i avoided being mugged just as there is a massive commotion on the platform
the two guys have been arrested by plain clothes cops as soon as they got off the train. they’re also struggling and making a lot of noise.
one of the cops is the cute bearded guy (!!!) who it turns out definitely wasn’t flirting with me but was instead just looking at me wondering how I could be such a giant fucking idioot
I try to tell them I still have my wallet but he then takes my phone off the guys and holds it up and asks if it’s mine
yes I spent so much time thinking wallet wallet wallet i didn’t notice the other guy push into me and lift my phone.
anyway we have to follow the cops with them and bc it was a struggle to arrest them we have to go to a station uptown. every parisian we pass leaving the train is looking at me now the way the cop did: u stupid fucking tourist
they load us into a police van WITH THE SUSPECTS IN HANDCUFFS as we all together speed through the streets of paris with the siren on
my partner later tells me he was wondering how secure french handcuffs are
i am laughing like a maniac tho, realising i never asked to see anyone’s badges and hoping this isn’t an even more elaborate plot to steal all our stuff and kidnap us a la “Taken”
anyway it’s all legit and my first few hrs in France are spent in a drab police centre filling out paper work
but the best part was when we got there the woman at the desk asked calmly “vous êtes les victims?” and i am for some reason amused by this and respond OUI JE SUIS VICTIM!!!
so yes don’t be like me and carry your things in your back pocket and then not move them despite thinking for several minutes you’re being pickpocketed
don’t also misinterpret an undercover cop’s silent stare at you imploring you not to be such a fucking moron as flirting
please listen to my expert advice, friends, bc JE SUIS VICTIM!!!
~fin~
