Discover and read the best of Twitter Threads about #HumanismAlways
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“If you could have anything, what would you want right now?”
“Doc, I know it’s counterintuitive, since it’s what got me here... *long pause* but I haven’t had a drink in over 13 years.”
“What’s your drink of choice?”
7:45AM: I left the hospital and crossed the street.
“Doc, I know it’s counterintuitive, since it’s what got me here... *long pause* but I haven’t had a drink in over 13 years.”
“What’s your drink of choice?”
7:45AM: I left the hospital and crossed the street.
He wanted a glass of wine. A red. But not just any red. A Cabernet Sauvignon, dry but not too dry.
Fortunately we have similar tastes. I picked out a familiar label.
Fortunately we have similar tastes. I picked out a familiar label.
For good measure, I sauntered over to the kitchenware aisle and picked up a set of 4 long stemmed, round bowl-shaped glasses. I checked out and wrapped the wine in enough bags to obscure the shape and label. I crossed back to the hospital parking lot and returned to his room.
1/
#HumanismAlways, Day 4
Residency, circa the ‘90s
Her: “Yeah, it’s been tough since my mama died.”
Me: “Oh no. I don’t think I knew that. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Her: “I appreciate that.”
*silence*
Me: “Had your mom been sick?”
Her: “Yes. She was.”
*silence*
#HumanismAlways, Day 4
Residency, circa the ‘90s
Her: “Yeah, it’s been tough since my mama died.”
Me: “Oh no. I don’t think I knew that. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Her: “I appreciate that.”
*silence*
Me: “Had your mom been sick?”
Her: “Yes. She was.”
*silence*
2/
She turned her head to me and held my gaze.
Her: “Know what else she was?”
Me: *listening*
Her: “She was my mama.”
Ooph.
I parted my lips to speak but nothing came out. She touched my arm and smiled.
Her: “She was sick. She was up in age. She was all of those things.”
She turned her head to me and held my gaze.
Her: “Know what else she was?”
Me: *listening*
Her: “She was my mama.”
Ooph.
I parted my lips to speak but nothing came out. She touched my arm and smiled.
Her: “She was sick. She was up in age. She was all of those things.”
3/
Her: “But still. Before ALL that she was and is my mama.”
Me: *listening*
Her: “And if they was good to you? I’m not too sure it’s ever a good time to say goodbye to your mama for good.”
I gave a tiny nod.
*silence*
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Her: “It’s okay.”
Her: “But still. Before ALL that she was and is my mama.”
Me: *listening*
Her: “And if they was good to you? I’m not too sure it’s ever a good time to say goodbye to your mama for good.”
I gave a tiny nod.
*silence*
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Her: “It’s okay.”
1/
#HumanismAlways, Day 3
Them: “Okay, I’ll dial up a Spanish interpreter while we walk over.”
Me: “Oooooh. Can we call for the in-person one instead?”
*silence*
Me: *starts dialing* “They come quick, I promise.”
Them: “No. . . umm. . . it’s fine.”
It did not seem fine.
#HumanismAlways, Day 3
Them: “Okay, I’ll dial up a Spanish interpreter while we walk over.”
Me: “Oooooh. Can we call for the in-person one instead?”
*silence*
Me: *starts dialing* “They come quick, I promise.”
Them: “No. . . umm. . . it’s fine.”
It did not seem fine.
2/
Though it’s been over 20 years, I remember what it was like to be a resident. I also remember the dreaded feeling of an attending speed breaker when I was trying to get a lot done.
Me: “I know it takes a little longer to call an interpreter.”
Them: “It’s cool.”
*silence*
Though it’s been over 20 years, I remember what it was like to be a resident. I also remember the dreaded feeling of an attending speed breaker when I was trying to get a lot done.
Me: “I know it takes a little longer to call an interpreter.”
Them: “It’s cool.”
*silence*
3/
Me: “You know why I like in-person interpreters?”
Them: “No. . . they’re great. It’s fine, I promise.”
Me: “For the shenanigans.”
Them: *stops walking* “Wait. What?”
Me: “You can’t really get into too much random mischief over the phone or the tablet.”
*laughter*
Me: “You know why I like in-person interpreters?”
Them: “No. . . they’re great. It’s fine, I promise.”
Me: “For the shenanigans.”
Them: *stops walking* “Wait. What?”
Me: “You can’t really get into too much random mischief over the phone or the tablet.”
*laughter*
1/
#HumanismAlways, Day 2
Me: "How did physical therapy go?"
Him: "They said I did good."
Me: "Good stuff. What all did y'all do?"
Him: "Shiid. What all didn't we do?"
*laughter*
Him: "But for real, though, they said I'm making progress."
Me: *nodding*
*silence*
#HumanismAlways, Day 2
Me: "How did physical therapy go?"
Him: "They said I did good."
Me: "Good stuff. What all did y'all do?"
Him: "Shiid. What all didn't we do?"
*laughter*
Him: "But for real, though, they said I'm making progress."
Me: *nodding*
*silence*
2/
Him: "You good?"
Me: "Me? Oh, thanks for asking. I'm doing okay."
Him: "Just okay?"
I pursed my lips under my mask and put a hand on my hip.
Me: "You know? I'm just kind of . . . I don't know. Seems like every time I look up, it's some bad news happening somewhere."
Him: "You good?"
Me: "Me? Oh, thanks for asking. I'm doing okay."
Him: "Just okay?"
I pursed my lips under my mask and put a hand on my hip.
Me: "You know? I'm just kind of . . . I don't know. Seems like every time I look up, it's some bad news happening somewhere."
3/
Him: *nodding* "I know that's right. If it ain't one thang it's another."
After saying that, he began to snap his finger and sing an old R&B song.
Him: *sings* "If it ain't. . . . one thang. . . .it's another. . " *laughter* "You don't know nothin' 'bout that!"
Him: *nodding* "I know that's right. If it ain't one thang it's another."
After saying that, he began to snap his finger and sing an old R&B song.
Him: *sings* "If it ain't. . . . one thang. . . .it's another. . " *laughter* "You don't know nothin' 'bout that!"
1/
#HumanismAlways, Day 1
Me: “Lights on or off?”
You looked at me and smirked. I paused with my hand on the switch.
You: “That’s in the script?”
Me: “Say what now?”
You: “What my druthers is when it come to anything.”
You chuckled.
You: “We don’t call no shots.”
Ooph.
#HumanismAlways, Day 1
Me: “Lights on or off?”
You looked at me and smirked. I paused with my hand on the switch.
You: “That’s in the script?”
Me: “Say what now?”
You: “What my druthers is when it come to anything.”
You chuckled.
You: “We don’t call no shots.”
Ooph.
2/
Me: *nervous laugh*
You: “Y’all be asking stuff like we got a say. But then y’all do what y’all want. Wake you up and stick you with a needle. Put some cold hands on you. Talk your damn head off.”
Me: “Ouch.”
*laughter*
You: “Oh wait. You do get to pick what you gon’ eat.”
Me: *nervous laugh*
You: “Y’all be asking stuff like we got a say. But then y’all do what y’all want. Wake you up and stick you with a needle. Put some cold hands on you. Talk your damn head off.”
Me: “Ouch.”
*laughter*
You: “Oh wait. You do get to pick what you gon’ eat.”
3/
Neighbor in next bed: *yelling* “Buuuuuuull-shit!”
*laughter*
Neighbor: “They got me on soup with no noodles and jello!”
Me: *chuckling* “Maybe your doctor wants you on clear foods and liquids.”
You: “Or maybe your doctor just doing whatever they feel like.”
*laughter*
Neighbor in next bed: *yelling* “Buuuuuuull-shit!”
*laughter*
Neighbor: “They got me on soup with no noodles and jello!”
Me: *chuckling* “Maybe your doctor wants you on clear foods and liquids.”
You: “Or maybe your doctor just doing whatever they feel like.”
*laughter*
1/
You: “Is Atlanta home for you?”
I finished tying the back of your gown and stepped around to face you.
Me: “Sir?”
You: “Is here your home town?”
Me: “No, sir.” *shaking head*
You: “Hmmm. But Georgia, right?”
I laughed and shook my head again. You furrowed your brow.
You: “Is Atlanta home for you?”
I finished tying the back of your gown and stepped around to face you.
Me: “Sir?”
You: “Is here your home town?”
Me: “No, sir.” *shaking head*
You: “Hmmm. But Georgia, right?”
I laughed and shook my head again. You furrowed your brow.
2/
Me: “I’m was born and raised out west. Specifically Inglewood, California.”
You smirked and squinted an eye at me. Then you sucked your teeth.
You: “Yeah right.”
Out came a gravelly chuckle then your face grew serious.
You: “California, you say?”
I nodded.
Me: “I’m was born and raised out west. Specifically Inglewood, California.”
You smirked and squinted an eye at me. Then you sucked your teeth.
You: “Yeah right.”
Out came a gravelly chuckle then your face grew serious.
You: “California, you say?”
I nodded.
3/
You studied my face as you folded your leathery fingers on your lap.
You: “California by way of where?”
Me: “Huh?”
I paused, trying to see what you were getting at. A warm expression came over your face and your eyes twinkled.
You: “By way of where in the south?”
You studied my face as you folded your leathery fingers on your lap.
You: “California by way of where?”
Me: “Huh?”
I paused, trying to see what you were getting at. A warm expression came over your face and your eyes twinkled.
You: “By way of where in the south?”
1/
You were off the floor when I’d tried to see you earlier. You were gone again when I came back after lunch.
Now it was late afternoon. I tapped on the wall next to your bed and was glad to see the mound of your feet under the covers.
You: “Heeeey. Come on in.”
So I did.
You were off the floor when I’d tried to see you earlier. You were gone again when I came back after lunch.
Now it was late afternoon. I tapped on the wall next to your bed and was glad to see the mound of your feet under the covers.
You: “Heeeey. Come on in.”
So I did.
2/
The television was blaring overhead. A guest chef was doing a cooking demonstration and lauding the merits of lime zest.
You: “Lime zest?” You snorted and gave your head a tiny shake. Then you repeated yourself. “Lime zest.”
I looked at you and gave a neutral nod.
The television was blaring overhead. A guest chef was doing a cooking demonstration and lauding the merits of lime zest.
You: “Lime zest?” You snorted and gave your head a tiny shake. Then you repeated yourself. “Lime zest.”
I looked at you and gave a neutral nod.
3/
Me: “How’d the procedures go today?”
You: “I lived to tell! So I guess that’s a good sign.”
We both chuckled.
Me: “You in any pain?”
You: “Right now? Nah. I’m good. How you doing?”
Me: “Me? I’m good.”
You sat up for me to examine you without me even asking.
And so I did.
Me: “How’d the procedures go today?”
You: “I lived to tell! So I guess that’s a good sign.”
We both chuckled.
Me: “You in any pain?”
You: “Right now? Nah. I’m good. How you doing?”
Me: “Me? I’m good.”
You sat up for me to examine you without me even asking.
And so I did.
1/
When I saw you on rounds that morning you were quiet. Your eyes looked in my direction but were otherwise vacant.
This was a change.
Me: "You okay?"
You: "Yup."
There was coolness in the way you spoke. After that, you turned away from me and faced the wall.
Ooph.
When I saw you on rounds that morning you were quiet. Your eyes looked in my direction but were otherwise vacant.
This was a change.
Me: "You okay?"
You: "Yup."
There was coolness in the way you spoke. After that, you turned away from me and faced the wall.
Ooph.
2/
I asked you to sit up in bed and carefully untied the back of your gown. I searched your back with my stethoscope.
Me: "Can you take a deep breath?"
You: *deep breath*
Me: "And let it out."
You: *let it out*
You did as I asked. But it was all business.
Still chilly.
I asked you to sit up in bed and carefully untied the back of your gown. I searched your back with my stethoscope.
Me: "Can you take a deep breath?"
You: *deep breath*
Me: "And let it out."
You: *let it out*
You did as I asked. But it was all business.
Still chilly.
3/
I thought I'd attempt to lift the mood.
Me: "You sound a lot better."
You: *head nod and shrug*
*silence*
This wasn’t my first time caring for you. So, for the most part, our interactions were warm and familiar.
But not today.
Me: “You good?”
You raised an eyebrow.
I thought I'd attempt to lift the mood.
Me: "You sound a lot better."
You: *head nod and shrug*
*silence*
This wasn’t my first time caring for you. So, for the most part, our interactions were warm and familiar.
But not today.
Me: “You good?”
You raised an eyebrow.
1/
I reached into the console and fished around for my badge. It wasn’t there. My brow furrowed.
Me: “Badge, we are not doing this today.”
My hand swept over my passenger seat as I eked closer to the parking garage. Still no badge. Now I was almost at the entrance.
Grrrr.
I reached into the console and fished around for my badge. It wasn’t there. My brow furrowed.
Me: “Badge, we are not doing this today.”
My hand swept over my passenger seat as I eked closer to the parking garage. Still no badge. Now I was almost at the entrance.
Grrrr.
2/
In a split second, I needed to make a decision:
1. Pull up and be the person who holds the entire garage line up while calling security?
2. Pull over and scour my car for this wayward access badge?
Both options were equally annoying to me (though option 1 is more selfish.)
In a split second, I needed to make a decision:
1. Pull up and be the person who holds the entire garage line up while calling security?
2. Pull over and scour my car for this wayward access badge?
Both options were equally annoying to me (though option 1 is more selfish.)
3/
But then I was reminded that there was a third option.
You.
It was a Thursday—my busiest clinic day—but, like clockwork, you were there. Like all the other Thursdays.
You held up one hand in my direction and said what you always say.
You: “Hey there, doc!”
But then I was reminded that there was a third option.
You.
It was a Thursday—my busiest clinic day—but, like clockwork, you were there. Like all the other Thursdays.
You held up one hand in my direction and said what you always say.
You: “Hey there, doc!”
1/
Today at Grady, walking in with a Grady elder
Him: “Hey Miss Doctor.”
Me: “Hey there, sir.”
*walking to entrance*
Him: *stops* “Umm, Miss Doctor?”
Me: “Sir?”
Him: “I just want to be sure that’s how you want your sock and your pants leg to be.”
I pause and look down.
Today at Grady, walking in with a Grady elder
Him: “Hey Miss Doctor.”
Me: “Hey there, sir.”
*walking to entrance*
Him: *stops* “Umm, Miss Doctor?”
Me: “Sir?”
Him: “I just want to be sure that’s how you want your sock and your pants leg to be.”
I pause and look down.
2/
My pants leg was jammed into my sock. My sock that I pulled from my son’s sock basket. The Superman one with a hole in it. That didn’t match my other one.
Him: “I wasn’t trying to be in your business but something told me that wasn’t the look you was going for.”
*laughter*
My pants leg was jammed into my sock. My sock that I pulled from my son’s sock basket. The Superman one with a hole in it. That didn’t match my other one.
Him: “I wasn’t trying to be in your business but something told me that wasn’t the look you was going for.”
*laughter*
3/
Me: “I love you for this.” *reaching down to adjust my sock*
I stood back up, stopped and faced him.
Me: “Thanks, sir.”
Him: “It’s okay. I could tell you having one of them hurry-days.” *chuckles* “I remember them days well.”
*silence*
Me: “It IS a hurry-day.”
I sighed.
Me: “I love you for this.” *reaching down to adjust my sock*
I stood back up, stopped and faced him.
Me: “Thanks, sir.”
Him: “It’s okay. I could tell you having one of them hurry-days.” *chuckles* “I remember them days well.”
*silence*
Me: “It IS a hurry-day.”
I sighed.
1/
Grady Clinic, last week
Me: “That wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry I—”
You: *holding up hand* “Nah I’m good. I don’t want your apology.”
Ooph.
I parted my lips to say more but you spoke again before I could.
You: “Please just leave. Now.”
And you meant it.
Grady Clinic, last week
Me: “That wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry I—”
You: *holding up hand* “Nah I’m good. I don’t want your apology.”
Ooph.
I parted my lips to say more but you spoke again before I could.
You: “Please just leave. Now.”
And you meant it.
2/
The student working with me shifted nervously. I felt thankful for the melanin that masked red heat rushing to my face.
You: “Don’t worry. I ain’t gon’ take this out on you.”
You looked at her & then back to me.
You: “It’s OK. I’ll still see her. Now please leave.”
Whew.
The student working with me shifted nervously. I felt thankful for the melanin that masked red heat rushing to my face.
You: “Don’t worry. I ain’t gon’ take this out on you.”
You looked at her & then back to me.
You: “It’s OK. I’ll still see her. Now please leave.”
Whew.
3/
You added something about how I made it harder for my student but since it wasn’t her fault you wouldn’t hold my shortcomings against her learning.
I apologized once more but you were done talking to me. And hearing me talk period.
I gave the student a nod and slipped out.
You added something about how I made it harder for my student but since it wasn’t her fault you wouldn’t hold my shortcomings against her learning.
I apologized once more but you were done talking to me. And hearing me talk period.
I gave the student a nod and slipped out.
1/
They stood in clusters near the emergency entrance. Their expressions were tell-tale of some abrupt awful.
Yeah.
Two people embraced, burying their faces into one another and rhythmically crying. Another person watched with folded arms, face covered in a sheet of tears.
They stood in clusters near the emergency entrance. Their expressions were tell-tale of some abrupt awful.
Yeah.
Two people embraced, burying their faces into one another and rhythmically crying. Another person watched with folded arms, face covered in a sheet of tears.
2/
A few feet away, I saw this youngish man pacing & cursing. He intermittently dragged on a cigarette, muttering, "I can't believe this shit."
A woman who appeared close to my age stared into space as a younger woman bear-hugged her from behind. Her eyes were so vacant.
Whew.
A few feet away, I saw this youngish man pacing & cursing. He intermittently dragged on a cigarette, muttering, "I can't believe this shit."
A woman who appeared close to my age stared into space as a younger woman bear-hugged her from behind. Her eyes were so vacant.
Whew.
3/
A man came running diagonal across the street from a car. He looked like the woman with vacant eyes.
When she saw him, they crumpled into one another. His muffled, guttural sobs. . . so primal, so raw.
All of this against the backdrop of a perfectly blue sky.
Whew.
A man came running diagonal across the street from a car. He looked like the woman with vacant eyes.
When she saw him, they crumpled into one another. His muffled, guttural sobs. . . so primal, so raw.
All of this against the backdrop of a perfectly blue sky.
Whew.
1/
There are these moments in medicine
that are awesome
No, not the "like totally" kind
but the kind that evokes
a real, true feeling
of wonder and magic
Awesome
Today, I am reflecting on a day
that I witnessed awesome
The real, true feeling
of wonder and magic
in medicine
There are these moments in medicine
that are awesome
No, not the "like totally" kind
but the kind that evokes
a real, true feeling
of wonder and magic
Awesome
Today, I am reflecting on a day
that I witnessed awesome
The real, true feeling
of wonder and magic
in medicine
2/
A young student doctor
stared into the eyes of his patient
a nonagenarian Grady elder
This would be a first for him
breaking bad news
or rather heavy news
to a real person
with a real life
hearing that real news
the kind of news that alters
real plans
Yeah
A young student doctor
stared into the eyes of his patient
a nonagenarian Grady elder
This would be a first for him
breaking bad news
or rather heavy news
to a real person
with a real life
hearing that real news
the kind of news that alters
real plans
Yeah
3/
With hearing as sharp as her wit and cognition
his patient was aware
aware of what he said
aware of what he meant
Yes, she was
And so
he uttered that word that sometimes chills blood
and stops tracks
"Cancer"
He said it
and she heard it
Yes, she did
With hearing as sharp as her wit and cognition
his patient was aware
aware of what he said
aware of what he meant
Yes, she was
And so
he uttered that word that sometimes chills blood
and stops tracks
"Cancer"
He said it
and she heard it
Yes, she did
1/
At the bedside with a Grady elder, 2018.
Him: "Is that a tattoo on your wrist?"
Me: "Yes, sir."
Him: *scowls with disapproval* "You a doctor with a tattoo on your wrist?"
Me: *chuckle* "Yup."
Him: *squinting* "Is it real? Like. . . permanent?"
He leaned a little closer.
At the bedside with a Grady elder, 2018.
Him: "Is that a tattoo on your wrist?"
Me: "Yes, sir."
Him: *scowls with disapproval* "You a doctor with a tattoo on your wrist?"
Me: *chuckle* "Yup."
Him: *squinting* "Is it real? Like. . . permanent?"
He leaned a little closer.
2/
Him: "What do it even say?"
Me: "It says 'sister.'"
Him: "'What you go and do that for? Was ya scared you was gon' forget you somebody sister or what?"
*laughter*
Me: "No, sir. I actually had a sister pass away in 2012."
Him: *eyes widening* "Really? Aww, sugar. I'm sorry."
Him: "What do it even say?"
Me: "It says 'sister.'"
Him: "'What you go and do that for? Was ya scared you was gon' forget you somebody sister or what?"
*laughter*
Me: "No, sir. I actually had a sister pass away in 2012."
Him: *eyes widening* "Really? Aww, sugar. I'm sorry."
3/
Me: "Yeah. Definitely not a club I wanted to be in."
Him: "I hear you. Lord knows I know 'bout that. But I'm older than you. You seem kinda young for that."
Me: *shrugs* "I guess. But from what I hear, it's no good no matter how old you are."
Him: "That sholl is the truth."
Me: "Yeah. Definitely not a club I wanted to be in."
Him: "I hear you. Lord knows I know 'bout that. But I'm older than you. You seem kinda young for that."
Me: *shrugs* "I guess. But from what I hear, it's no good no matter how old you are."
Him: "That sholl is the truth."
1/
I was rounding with my team recently and you were our new patient. A student had presented your case at the bedside. You listened intently and offered corrections where needed. After examining you, I paused and twisted my mouth under my mask.
I narrowed my eyes.
I was rounding with my team recently and you were our new patient. A student had presented your case at the bedside. You listened intently and offered corrections where needed. After examining you, I paused and twisted my mouth under my mask.
I narrowed my eyes.
2/
This didn’t make sense to me. And to be clear— it may very well have made sense to someone else.
Just not me.
You: “You alright over there, doc? Look like your wheels turning hard.”
*laughter*
Me: “You got me. Yeah, I’m just trying to put this all together.”
Hmmm.
This didn’t make sense to me. And to be clear— it may very well have made sense to someone else.
Just not me.
You: “You alright over there, doc? Look like your wheels turning hard.”
*laughter*
Me: “You got me. Yeah, I’m just trying to put this all together.”
Hmmm.
3/
Like, your physical exam fit the story. And part of your lab tests and imaging aligned with the leading diagnosis. But then there was this other part of your blood work that threw a curveball.
Hmmm.
And so. I told you and my team exactly that.
Yup.
Like, your physical exam fit the story. And part of your lab tests and imaging aligned with the leading diagnosis. But then there was this other part of your blood work that threw a curveball.
Hmmm.
And so. I told you and my team exactly that.
Yup.
1/
Time of death: 3:46 PM.
The ICU fell silent. A heavy cloak of sorrow pressed down on the room.
*whoosh*
The familiar rush of heat came to my face. Next came the prickling in my eyes. Once the tears started I knew they wouldn’t stop.
Shit.
I needed to get out of there.
Time of death: 3:46 PM.
The ICU fell silent. A heavy cloak of sorrow pressed down on the room.
*whoosh*
The familiar rush of heat came to my face. Next came the prickling in my eyes. Once the tears started I knew they wouldn’t stop.
Shit.
I needed to get out of there.
2/
She was my patient. And out of deference I knew I should still myself and stand in the awful with the team.
But I needed to get out of there. Before I started to cry.
Because we don’t do that. Not here. Not in front of people.
At least, that’s what I’d been taught.
She was my patient. And out of deference I knew I should still myself and stand in the awful with the team.
But I needed to get out of there. Before I started to cry.
Because we don’t do that. Not here. Not in front of people.
At least, that’s what I’d been taught.
3/
See, when I was a med student on my OB rotation, I was assisting on an emergency delivery. When the baby was born, there was no pulse or spontaneous breaths.
All hell broke loose.
Thumbs compressing a tiny chest. Meds. Intubation and O2.
And then . . . nothing.
*whoosh*
See, when I was a med student on my OB rotation, I was assisting on an emergency delivery. When the baby was born, there was no pulse or spontaneous breaths.
All hell broke loose.
Thumbs compressing a tiny chest. Meds. Intubation and O2.
And then . . . nothing.
*whoosh*
1/
Grady wards
Him: “I got a bone to pick with you.”
Me: “Me?”
Him: “You.”
He pointed at me for emphasis.
Him: “I’m not so sure I like how you was talking ‘bout me.”
I sifted through my head to try to think of any verbal missteps. I waited to see what he’d say next.
Grady wards
Him: “I got a bone to pick with you.”
Me: “Me?”
Him: “You.”
He pointed at me for emphasis.
Him: “I’m not so sure I like how you was talking ‘bout me.”
I sifted through my head to try to think of any verbal missteps. I waited to see what he’d say next.
2/
Him: “I know you said y’all was gon’ do some ‘shop talking’ about me. But look like you forgot I was even there when you got to saying what you was gon’ say.”
I felt my face grow warm. I decided to just keep listening.
Him: “You talking ‘bout some ‘That’s impressive!’”
Him: “I know you said y’all was gon’ do some ‘shop talking’ about me. But look like you forgot I was even there when you got to saying what you was gon’ say.”
I felt my face grow warm. I decided to just keep listening.
Him: “You talking ‘bout some ‘That’s impressive!’”
3/
Wait. Was that the bad part?
My brow furrowed and I pressed my lips together. He went on.
Him: “But like, I knew from how you said it that you ain’t mean impressive in a good way. I mean, not how most things that impress a person impress ‘em.”
*listening*
Wait. Was that the bad part?
My brow furrowed and I pressed my lips together. He went on.
Him: “But like, I knew from how you said it that you ain’t mean impressive in a good way. I mean, not how most things that impress a person impress ‘em.”
*listening*
1/
Grady Hospital Wards
It was a Sunday. The students and interns had the day off so it was just the senior resident and me. This Grady elder was our last patient.
Yup.
Me: "What questions do you have for us?"
Her: "I don't have any questions. Y'all answered them. Thank you."
Grady Hospital Wards
It was a Sunday. The students and interns had the day off so it was just the senior resident and me. This Grady elder was our last patient.
Yup.
Me: "What questions do you have for us?"
Her: "I don't have any questions. Y'all answered them. Thank you."
2/
Me: "Okay. Is there anything else you need before we go?"
Her: "May I have one minute of your time?"
Us: *looking at each other*
Resident: "Sure. Tell us what you need."
She extended both of her hands out toward us, gesturing for each of us to take one of them.
We did.
Me: "Okay. Is there anything else you need before we go?"
Her: "May I have one minute of your time?"
Us: *looking at each other*
Resident: "Sure. Tell us what you need."
She extended both of her hands out toward us, gesturing for each of us to take one of them.
We did.
3/
She held our gaze and then spoke.
Her: "I'd like to pray for y’all. Is that okay?"
Shoot.
My breath hitched. I didn't want my resident to feel pressured or uncomfortable.
Shoot.
Had I been alone? This would’ve been a no brainer. But I was not.
Shoot.
Resident: “Okay.”
She held our gaze and then spoke.
Her: "I'd like to pray for y’all. Is that okay?"
Shoot.
My breath hitched. I didn't want my resident to feel pressured or uncomfortable.
Shoot.
Had I been alone? This would’ve been a no brainer. But I was not.
Shoot.
Resident: “Okay.”
1/
Random moment while in line in the Grady coffee shop:
Her: "I remember you. You that lady that said I need to lose weight and get a better fitting bra when I said my back hurt."
Me: "I remember you, too. You changed your hair. It looks nice."
Random moment while in line in the Grady coffee shop:
Her: "I remember you. You that lady that said I need to lose weight and get a better fitting bra when I said my back hurt."
Me: "I remember you, too. You changed your hair. It looks nice."
2/
Her: "It's a wig.”
Me: *shrugs* “I still like it on you.”
She folded her arms and sucked her teeth.
Her: “I didn't like you at all."
Me: “No?”
Her: “No!”
Me: "I can respect that choice. How's your back?"
Her: "Respect what choice? A wig or me not liking you?"
Me: "Both."
Her: "It's a wig.”
Me: *shrugs* “I still like it on you.”
She folded her arms and sucked her teeth.
Her: “I didn't like you at all."
Me: “No?”
Her: “No!”
Me: "I can respect that choice. How's your back?"
Her: "Respect what choice? A wig or me not liking you?"
Me: "Both."
3/
Her: "My back is a lot better."
Me: "Oh yeah? What did the trick?"
Her: "I lost some weight. And got a different bra."
*laughter*
After that, she reached out and gave me a big hug. And I hugged her right back. Hard.
Her: “Girl you ‘bout to knock my wig off!”
*laughter*
Her: "My back is a lot better."
Me: "Oh yeah? What did the trick?"
Her: "I lost some weight. And got a different bra."
*laughter*
After that, she reached out and gave me a big hug. And I hugged her right back. Hard.
Her: “Girl you ‘bout to knock my wig off!”
*laughter*
1/
Grady Hospital Clinic
I could feel your grief the moment I stepped into the room. The resident had already told me of your loss.
So fresh.
So recent.
They said you cried on an off for the whole visit. BP controlled. Labs fine. And a depression screen was negative.
Yeah.
Grady Hospital Clinic
I could feel your grief the moment I stepped into the room. The resident had already told me of your loss.
So fresh.
So recent.
They said you cried on an off for the whole visit. BP controlled. Labs fine. And a depression screen was negative.
Yeah.
2/
So me? I was just tasked with closing the loop as the attending physician. And, with no concerns with your chronic conditions, there wasn’t much to add or teach.
Or say.
I mean, other than sorry. Because I was.
I so was.
So me? I was just tasked with closing the loop as the attending physician. And, with no concerns with your chronic conditions, there wasn’t much to add or teach.
Or say.
I mean, other than sorry. Because I was.
I so was.
3/
I’d never met you before this day. But when I walked in and saw your face cloaked in pain, I searched myself for something. . . anything . . . to help.
But what was there? You had funeralized your son. And yes, though he was “grown” as you said, still.
He was your son.
I’d never met you before this day. But when I walked in and saw your face cloaked in pain, I searched myself for something. . . anything . . . to help.
But what was there? You had funeralized your son. And yes, though he was “grown” as you said, still.
He was your son.
1/
You used such beautiful words. Words like “gingerly” to describe how you approached the physical therapy maneuvers you tried that morning. And “cacophony” in reference to the food tray someone accidentally knocked to the floor.
I loved them all.
You used such beautiful words. Words like “gingerly” to describe how you approached the physical therapy maneuvers you tried that morning. And “cacophony” in reference to the food tray someone accidentally knocked to the floor.
I loved them all.
2/
Me: “You have such beautiful words. Such lovely and unexpected ones. It’s becoming my favorite thing on rounds this week.”
You: “Oh, aren’t words just grand? And so many to choose.”
You released a gentle chuckle. Then you coughed.
But gingerly.
Me: “You have such beautiful words. Such lovely and unexpected ones. It’s becoming my favorite thing on rounds this week.”
You: “Oh, aren’t words just grand? And so many to choose.”
You released a gentle chuckle. Then you coughed.
But gingerly.
3/
And so. Because it was established that we were both lovers of words, I closed each visit the same.
Me: “So what’s the word?”
And each time you would smile, stare off for a beat, and then share one.
You: “The word is . . . milieu. Do you know it?”
And so. Because it was established that we were both lovers of words, I closed each visit the same.
Me: “So what’s the word?”
And each time you would smile, stare off for a beat, and then share one.
You: “The word is . . . milieu. Do you know it?”
1/
Grady Wards
Them: "Hey Dr. M. You busy?"
Me: "Not at the moment. What's up?"
Them: "Wondering if you could weigh in on rash on our new patient. It's on her backside. Kind of looks like yeast but I'm not sure."
Me: *listening*
Them: *pointing at door* "She's in bed 2."
Grady Wards
Them: "Hey Dr. M. You busy?"
Me: "Not at the moment. What's up?"
Them: "Wondering if you could weigh in on rash on our new patient. It's on her backside. Kind of looks like yeast but I'm not sure."
Me: *listening*
Them: *pointing at door* "She's in bed 2."
2/
Me: "Okey dokey."
Them: "I need to run and see someone with chest pain. Can you let me know if I should call derm after you look?"
Me: "Yup."
I watched the resident disappear down the corridor as I stopped to open the chart in the EMR.
Ooooh. A Grady elder.
Yay.
Me: "Okey dokey."
Them: "I need to run and see someone with chest pain. Can you let me know if I should call derm after you look?"
Me: "Yup."
I watched the resident disappear down the corridor as I stopped to open the chart in the EMR.
Ooooh. A Grady elder.
Yay.
3/
I approached bed 2 and noticed that the curtain was pulled all the way closed.
Me: *knocking on wall* "Hellooooo. . . "
When I came around the pink divider, this Grady elder was in the middle of being given a sponge bath by one of our nurse assistants.
And was not pleased.
I approached bed 2 and noticed that the curtain was pulled all the way closed.
Me: *knocking on wall* "Hellooooo. . . "
When I came around the pink divider, this Grady elder was in the middle of being given a sponge bath by one of our nurse assistants.
And was not pleased.
1/
#TodayICried, Day 3 of 7
Grady Wards
Me: "How are you feeling?"
You: "Terrible."
Me: "Terrible?"
You: "Terrible."
Me: "The medicines aren't taking the edge off?"
You: "It helped a little bit, but now I feel sick to my stomach. My bowels are loose, too."
Hmmm.
#TodayICried, Day 3 of 7
Grady Wards
Me: "How are you feeling?"
You: "Terrible."
Me: "Terrible?"
You: "Terrible."
Me: "The medicines aren't taking the edge off?"
You: "It helped a little bit, but now I feel sick to my stomach. My bowels are loose, too."
Hmmm.
2/
Your voice is quiet and defeated. This is different. . . and it scares me.
Me: "We put you back on what you were getting at home and--"
You: "I know that. Soon as you said that yesterday I started. But now all I feel is sick and queasy in the stomach."
*silence*
Your voice is quiet and defeated. This is different. . . and it scares me.
Me: "We put you back on what you were getting at home and--"
You: "I know that. Soon as you said that yesterday I started. But now all I feel is sick and queasy in the stomach."
*silence*
3/
Me: "I'm sorry. . . what do you mean by 'as soon as I said that?'”
You: "What?"
Me: "The medicines. You said you started as soon as I said something? That part confused me. Just wanted to get clear."
You reach under the bed and pull out a plastic Kroger bag full of pills.
Me: "I'm sorry. . . what do you mean by 'as soon as I said that?'”
You: "What?"
Me: "The medicines. You said you started as soon as I said something? That part confused me. Just wanted to get clear."
You reach under the bed and pull out a plastic Kroger bag full of pills.
#TodayICried, Day 1 of 7
My mother does this thing when having her photo taken. She erupts into laughter and does so repeatedly with each snap. It's her way of getting to a natural smile--even if it's through an unnatural chuckle.
It's so awkward. And adorable.
And her.
My mother does this thing when having her photo taken. She erupts into laughter and does so repeatedly with each snap. It's her way of getting to a natural smile--even if it's through an unnatural chuckle.
It's so awkward. And adorable.
And her.
2/
And so. This little thing that my mom does floated into my mind as I spoke to you on this day. A fleeting thought but one I paused to savor.
Yeah.
Your mother passed away a few months ago. And yes, she'd been ill. But still. She was your mom.
Your mom.
And so. This little thing that my mom does floated into my mind as I spoke to you on this day. A fleeting thought but one I paused to savor.
Yeah.
Your mother passed away a few months ago. And yes, she'd been ill. But still. She was your mom.
Your mom.
3/
You'd asked me about the holidays. What my family planned to do and such. And I told you. Then I boomeranged the query straight back at you.
Then I remembered.
Me: "Oh wait. This is the first Christmas?"
Your shoulders curled inward and you gave a tiny nod.
Me: "Damn."
You'd asked me about the holidays. What my family planned to do and such. And I told you. Then I boomeranged the query straight back at you.
Then I remembered.
Me: "Oh wait. This is the first Christmas?"
Your shoulders curled inward and you gave a tiny nod.
Me: "Damn."
