Thread by @Rachel_Aaron

Warning: Incoming Real Talk.

I've been battling depression pretty hard this year. I had a major breakthrough recently and I wanted to post in the hopes it'll help someone else, but I also to show that everyone deals w/ this stuff, even people who are "living the dream."

I always feel guilty admitting when I'm having trouble because I'm an author. I am literally living my childhood dream. I feel like I don't have the right to be unhappy, but of course life doesn't work that way.

For my part, this is a problem that's been building for a long time. If you read my older blog posts, I used to joke that I was a guilt fueled writer. I've always been a big believer in nose to the grindstone, suck it up, get it done, push harder, etc.

That kind of "I am the champion" thinking isn't inherently bad and it can lead to amazing things (15 novels, in my case). But it can quickly slide into dangerous territory if applied recklessly, and that's what happened to me.

For the majority of my life, my answer to every problem/failure/life trial has been "shut up and work harder." This was very effective, because I'm competitive. Whatever I'm doing, I want to win! But when you frame every challenge as a battle, that makes every failure into a loss

No one likes to lose, and as @TravBach will tell you, I am a particularly TERRIBLE loser. When I fail--whether it's writing or dieting or being a parent or whatever--I get super pissed at myself. Why wasn't I better? Why was I such a lazy fuck up?

And therein lay my problem. I was saying things to myself that I would NEVER say to another person, which was so stupid in hindsight. I mean, when has calling someone names and making them feel terrible ever made a situation better? Never. That never happens.

And--surprise surprise--it didn't work for me. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize, but my strategy of treating myself like shit every time I failed was a really, REALLY bad one. Because, and you're think I'd know this as a writer, words MATTER.

Call yourself a piece of shit for 5, 10, 20 years and guess what? You're going to feel like a piece of shit. I thought I was "being tough" and "motivating myself," but when I look back at what I was actually doing to myself, it was abuse.

I was being a really shitty person to myself in the privacy of my own head, and over the years, that crap built up. The mantra of "you're lazy, you're slacking, you're screwing it all up" went from a whip I cracked when I needed motivation to something I thought ALL THE TIME.

In hindsight, the idea that kind of language was "motivation" is so ridiculous. The strategy of treating myself as the enemy was always doomed to fail. Because in a fight, there's always a loser, and if I'm fighting myself, that loser is always going to be ME.

After years of this, the inside of my head was a warzone. Even the smallest failure was met with a barrage of really horrible, abusive self-criticism. And the worst part was, I doing all of this to myself. I was the one punching myself in the face.

This was my breakthrough. I was so low, so beaten up. I'd really convinced myself that I was worthless and terrible and lazy and all the horrible things I'D said. But none of it was true. *I* was my abuser.

So I stopped.

This was where things changed. It took me so long to figure out, but one I realized (and accepted, huge part) what I was doing, I started making a conscious, active effort to NOT DO THAT.

And it's been hard, let me tell you. You can't just undo decades of bad habit in a single decision. So far, the most effective change I've ever made was to stop treating the struggles in my life as battles to win, but as problems to solve.

When I screw up now--fuck up my writing, fall off my diet, spend money I shouldn't, whatever--my 1st instinct is still to attack, but my 2nd is to stop. I tell myself "Don't freak out. Look at the problem, figure out WHY you failed, then use that information to fix it."

And sometimes I can't fix it. Sometimes I just have to accept and move on. But at least I'm not making even MORE problems by making myself feel like shit. Because I'M not the enemy. I'm the one who's going to get me out of this! I need support, not another attacker.

It's the Nice Dragon Method all over again! If I treat myself like an enemy, then no matter who wins, I'm going to loser. But if I treat myself as an ally, then everyone gets to win. Being kind to yourself isn't just some liberal snowflake platitude. It really does work.

So that's what I've learned. That's my big breakthrough. Don't be an abusive jerk.

It's universally good advice. We celebrate jerks in America because we think they're tough guys who get things done (see the cult of Steve Jobs), but what I've discovered over and over is that being a dick to other people (or to yourself) never makes things better.

Kindness, compassion, understanding, working together--these are the things that actually solve problems. Defeating the enemy sounds strong, but all you've really done is bred more resentment. The only way to truly win is to make that enemy your friend.

I should know this. I wrote an ENTIRE SERIES about this. Spoiler warning's a bit late, but this is what the Heartstrikers series is all about. You'd think I would understand this by now, but I never thought to apply it to myself.

The old me would beat myself up about that, but I refuse to be that person anymore. It's going to take a lot of work, but I'm done being my own bully. And if you're someone who beats yourself up in the secrecy of your own head, you should stop, too.

You wouldn't tolerate that sort of abuse in someone else, don't allow it in yourself. Be kind. Be understanding. Be an ally, not an enemy, and I promise you'll find yourself in a much better place.

And that's my depression story. I hope this stupidly long thread helps you avoid my mistakes, or at least makes you feel less alone, because you're not. The more people I meet, the more I realize we're all pretty bad at this life thing. But we get better, and that's what counts.