Thread by @shockproofbeats

A confession. I'm currently watching a GAA match for the first time in my life. I'm 32.

It's Dublin v Tyrone and it's just kicked off. I will share my thoughts in real time, swearing to be honest in my ignorance. And, even though I am known to many as "King Jokes", no fake eejitry will be added for comic effect.

First thoughts. They sing the anthem at the start of the match? That's a bit mad. Also the sound system needs a bit of rewiring, it's all high pitched and echoey, sounds the camp tannoy in a POW movie that says things like "prisoners... have... escaped...report to..sector 16"

This pitch is fucking huge. Or the players are all five foot two. Look at the size of it. It's like a LIDL carpark. But then you see the carpark in the background and IT'S the size of a LIDL carpark.

Seriously freaked out by how big the pitch is lads.

Should clarify this is gaelic football for our overseas readers, hereafter referred to as football. I played football a tiny bit in school, know the basic craic, whereas with hurling I wouldn't know which arse cheek was which.

Good play by Dublin there I think. This is easy

I grew up in Derry's countryside but it was, how do I put this, more of a "flutes and drums" parish than a "gloves and gumshields" one. I hung out mostly in Derry city, where GAA jerseys were roughly as popular as Ethiopian lip plates.

All GAA players look like they have a DEFINITE song set aside for karaoke. This guy's is Take A Look Around (M:I2 Theme) by Limp Bizkit.

I like the long shots, and the fact that every player has a postcode to themselves until they get into the mouth of goal and then 700 enemies respawn on top of them.

That was an INCREDIBLE point from the corner back. Wan.

Tyrone's cornerback btw.

I'm so good at this.

Imagine you were relying on me to follow this game, I've not mentioned anything. For the record it's Tryone 0-5 to Dublin's 0-7. Two points in it for the Capital Men. If it stays like this there'll be mania in [checks notes for Dublin landmarka] Dr Quirkey's.

They're all miles away from each other like.

The commentator says neither side gave an inch, placing the tie nicely poised for a pulsating second half.... And I agree!

At half time, I'm a convert. What a rush guys. Not just the sport itself but happy introducing my followers to the heart, the passion, the game my ancestors kindof invented as a makeyuppy hodge podge of soccer and rugby, but with all the Britishness removed.

Gaelic football is genetically engineered to be un-British. If you were tasked to invent a sport that was the *opposite* of Midsomer Murders, this would be it.

Top insights here in the SKY studio, a municipal temple of GAA analysis that appears to have been erected for the price of a bag of cans.

The pundit just said he admired quality forwards and I just thought it's about fucking time someone said it big man

Now I know why you wanna hate me

Cos HATE IS ALLTHEWORLDHASEVENSEENLATELY

Wow @ these stats

I see GAA also go with soccer's bewildering practice of having utterly superfluous pundits down pitch side, as if that view affords them a unique viewpoint from which to say the exact same thing as their warmer counterparts indoors.

Holy broken teeth of Christ we're back with Tyrone v Dublin motherfuckers.

Tryone not fucking around with a point straight away. If they keep at this there'll be potato bread on tap at the Ulster American Folk Park tonight.

And Dublin get one back! One wonders if the Why Go Bald! sign on George st is shining on them this afternoon.

AND WE HAVE A GOAL. Dublin score through McCarthy in a fairly jammy rebound affair. History smiles on the men from the town of the Chester Beatty Library.

It's Tryone 0-7 and Dublin 1-8 and you'd better plug the fuck in cos things are getting haaaaawt here.

The Bangles - Eternal Flame #kagaaraoke

Almost sincere comment alert: it really is thrilling how quickly attacks can be broken up, and the intensity with which the flow of play changes. Absolutely neckbreaking.

Great handpass interplay for Dublin from the lads of Ballymunn, the town of flats and flatpack furniture.

I like that they can wear gloves if they want to. In my day they were the yellow Mikasa yokes. These guys all have v dainty looking black ones that look like they come shoulder length, with a matching fascinator and fag holder.

Lol they keep putting up a ticking clock stating the time since Tyrone last scored. How rude.

Drexciya - Black Sea #GAAkaraoke

Really close here and Tyrone not done yet with a nice point. I can't believe the distance these lads are covering.

And Dublin hit the post! From a point. Some red faces on the Viking Splash tour right about now no doubt.

Bit of time left here with Tyrone 0-11 and Dublin 1-13.

The tannoy sounds like the boring priest they make use the PA of the largest lingerie department in Ireland in A Christmassy Ted.

Getting nervous for Tyrone here. Want them to win as a fellow nordie but watching with two perfidious dubs. Who to support? On the one hand, my wife is a Dubliner. On the other, Dev sold us out in '21. Decisions!!!

FIVE ADDITIONAL MINUTES.

Incredible blocks from Tyrone and some feistiness breaking out between the players. They're just awful tired the poor critters. Bedtime soon enough.

Incredible point by McGeary! Tyrone two points from it with 3 mins to go.

Bad miss from Ronan O'Neill. One minute in it and two points. They're all fighting now, exhibiting the sort of exhausted hostility common to the tills in Penney's ten minutes from closing time.

The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You

Nearly 2 mins over the stated overtime now

At the final whistle Dublin edge it 1-14 to 0-14. Brian Howard is the SuperValu man of the match meaning he gets first dibs at crisps back at the club house and can stay up after Glenroe.

So televisee gaelic football is good. If my brother in law is over for the weekeend some time I'll definitely consider watching it again.

HURLING NEXT?

Oh and I'm loving the angsty music they use on the end credits, like a Korean anime about a high school for emo monsters.