Thread by @SugarCunt

@_aceinthehole This is an interesting topic for me. I have many Thoughts™ and there will be a thread. But no quiz after, I promise.

I was a very intense emotional masochist in my kink a decade ago. I asked my dominant at the time to SHRED me in our scenes.

@_aceinthehole This was very much targeted verbal humiliation (we were LD partners having phonesex) rather than degrading names, and was re: my worth as a person, generally.

I've repressed a lot from those years so I don't remember anything about my physicality being involved.

@_aceinthehole I can't remember if they insulted my mental capabilities. I just remember the emphasis of worthlessness and badness and dirtiness, and that I came like a goddamn freight train.

@_aceinthehole This was at a bad time for me in life, though. I genuinely lacked self worth, and although my partner was tender and loving and built me back up in aftercare, there weren't many blocks to stack up in the first place.

@_aceinthehole I did *not* think, "hey I'm not those things." When I was being humiliated during scenes.

I was very deeply in it. I was very much those things in my own mind. It wasn't reclamation, it was masochism.

@_aceinthehole It hurt. I wanted it to hurt. I got off because it hurt.

Chronic pain and a low pain tolerance make me a mediocre physical masochist, but I'm a hell of an emotional masochist.

@_aceinthehole By the time I was having this sex (16), my repression abilities and daily amount of nonconsensual attempts to degrade and humiliate me endured meant that I was already extremely emotionally weathered.

I craved a sharp stab to the nonspecific core of me (my worth, not traits).

@_aceinthehole And even though I can type this to you, I can't really remember why I wanted it (it had been my request) or why it got me off.

@_aceinthehole I swore it off when I got into my 20s and realized I had merely been making my dominant responsible for the harm I would have heaped on myself if they hadn't been there.

And now that I'm out of abuse and have started processing it, I know it will trigger me if I try it now.

@_aceinthehole After spending 10 years with partners who genuinely made me feel that way, feeling like my partner dislikes me or is reluctant or disinterested even if it's for a consensual scene will shut me down.

@_aceinthehole Degrading names have remained okay, within the realm of what I am proud of and reclaiming - slut and whore, and other offshoots, some with objectification, come to mind.

@_aceinthehole But unfortunately, I don't know if there will be a point in my life where I can ever reclaim my love of receiving humiliation in the bedroom.

Because the way you feel sounds like a healthier way for me, if it's ever feasible. And I have a much heftier sense of self worth now.

@_aceinthehole But right now in life, I find myself requiring a sense of safety and security and adoration to be present in the kink dynamic and not just the meta.

This is probably why ddlg is my biggest kink.

@_aceinthehole And since I've had a life where everyone responsible for protecting and adoring me until the past year has denigrated my self worth with passive and active humiliation, right now I cannot see a way to feel safe and humiliated simultaneously.

@_aceinthehole Circling back after a quick break.

In some ways, getting off to that humiliation might have been reclamation of it for me.

Engaging in something I endured nonconsensually regularly in a context that involved pleasure let me at least take something for myself from it.

@_aceinthehole But I didn't really feel it as a reclaimative act then and don't trust my Swiss cheese memory well enough to say if I even ever cognizantly considered it empowering.

...maybe I should ask my former dominant...

@_aceinthehole Well this might just turn into a blog post, ROFL.