So I want to talk about my own experience of depression. First of all, I want to state very clearly that I pose absolutely no risk to myself or others. I want to talk about it, because it helps me to do so. I hope this makes sense to anyone reading.
I think I recognised I was depressed in my teens. I am now 49. When I was 25 I went to my doctor and told him I thought I was depressed.
He didn't want to record anything about depression or mental health on my record because he said it could affect lots of things in my life. He wrote a prescription on his prescription pad for me, for sunshine and exercise.
24 years later, I have had some ups and downs. But essentially, during that time I have always felt depressed. After asking for help and getting zero, I am a master at masking my feelings.
I think the song "Comfortably Numb" was written for me. That's how I feel most days.
I feel like a constant failure. I never feel that I am good enough at anything I do. Objectively I know that can't be true. But I am too close to be objective.
Every negative piece of feedback I get feeds back into that image I have of myself. I'm good at ignoring any positive feedback.
In theory, I know there are things I can do to get out of this. In practice, I don't know what those things are. I'm an introvert trapped in an introspective world that is doing me no good at all.
Last year I tried to make an appointment to see a counsellor. There was no answerphone, and after about 3 times, I just gave up.
It impacts on every aspect of my life. I am never going to be a risk to myself. 95%+ of people who know me or meet me would have absolutely no idea that I have suffered from depression for most of my life.
Not everything about depression is suicide. Sometimes it is just staring down a bleak tunnel.
Anyway. That's me. I'm trying to get help again. I don't want to take drugs, so I am going to give counselling a go.
How it impacts my job: I find large tasks just overwhelming. I feel I am drowning and have no idea where to start. My office becomes a mess. I'd tidy it, but it feels overwhelming. I have no idea where to start.
Then my office doesn't really feel like a place I want to work in.
Then my office doesn't really feel like a place I want to work in.
My wife is incredibly supportive. I hid my depression from her for 20 years. I think at times she suspected. But I am a **master** at hiding it. The last 2 years, I couldn't really hide it any more.
My name is Scott, and this is my picture.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
