Thread by @jenstrange

1) Why you should use non-gendered language about a baby you don’t know, and an easy way to do so: a thread.

First of all, you have a 50/50 chance of guessing wrong when you see a stranger’s baby and say “he’s so cute!” or “how old is she?”...

2) And it’s awkward for a parent to have to say “oh, she’s a girl” or “he’s a boy, actually.” The parent may be offended, or they may not be, but usually then the person who asked the misgendering question acts like they’ve said something really offensive...

3) and they apologize profusely and then the parent has to say no, no, it’s actually ok. Y’all, that is such a waste of time and brainpower. Especially when you have to constantly have the conversation - which can be for any number of reasons...

4) And I, personally, don’t care if you misgender my child - because honestly most babies don’t look male or female, they look like potatoes 🥔...

5) But when I don’t correct you because I don’t think it’s that important, and your follow-up question is “what’s his name?” and I say, “Isabella,” well now we have to have that conversation anyway. And then you’re wondering why I didn’t correct you...

6) and I don’t have time to explain to you my feelings about socialization and gendered expectations changing a child’s behaviors (and mindset / sense of self) as they grow up, and nature versus nurture and the fact that I’d like to ideally break the patriarchy altogether...

7) And you might think - but what if I’m really sure this stranger’s child I want to comment on is a boy or a girl? Friends, you can’t really depend on cues from clothing, hair, or baby equipment (strollers and carseats)...

8) Baby boys have an infuriating habit of having the BEST hair & eyelashes. My little girl’s bald. SO bald, bless her. Baby equip is expensive; broke folks take what they can get. (Anyway, I prefer teal for my stuff - not pink. Can we stop with the pink everything, for real?)...

9) Kids wear hand-me-down clothes that might not match what you assume one gender should wear (or maybe parents happen to like the non-conforming clothes, because girls can like dinosaurs and superheroes and boys can like kittens and unicorns, thank you very much.)...

10) So long story short, leave gender out of it all together. Just adjust your language a little. Instead of “she’s so cute!” say “what a cute baby!” Instead of “what’s his name?” ask “what’s your baby’s name?” or talk directly to the baby and say “hi! what’s your name?”...

11) If it comes out that the child in front of you isn’t what you were assuming, your follow-up question shouldn’t be an inquiry into gender norms: “if she’s a girl, then why is she wearing a blue Winnie the Pooh outfit?”...

12) Why the crap do you care about my infant conforming to gendered expectations, Brenda? You don’t need to police other family’s decisions about gendered bullshit. If you can’t say something nice, just walk away.

13) This was her big brother’s sleeper and it’s freaking cute and warm and Winnie the Pooh is a beloved childhood character for everyone, damn.

14) And that’s the moral here - if you’re not going to be kind and supportive, just don’t start a conversation at all! Parenting a baby is hard enough!

Anyway, those are my thoughts about that mess. Go forth into the world and try to be nice

P.S. not that it matters, but I dress little pumpkin Izzy about 50/50 girlish clothes / clothes from the boy’s section. I chose gender-neutral pics for the thread. Kids’ clothes should just be CLOTHES. When she’s old enough I’ll let her choose for herself what she wants to wear.

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