Thread by @Imani_Barbarin

Ok, here it goes, the last thread of 2018 from me:

Why I want to leave the Fear of Missing Out—an inherent fear from being disabled— behind in 2019.

https://twitter.com/imani_barbarin/status/1078454202370846720

When you’re born disabled, you grow up acutely aware of where you are versus where you’re supposed to be. If you think I’m joking, there are literal charts calculating your place in life as opposed to the average.

Kids in school will always think twice about inviting you along

To those childhood milestones and you’ll have spent countless hours listening to them recount all of the fun they had without you.

They’ll justify this by saying they want you to hear it because it’ll almost feel like you’re there. That’s the same, right? (It’s not.)

And these kids will grow into teenagers retelling their romantic escapades while you field invasive questions as to whether you’re able to have sex at all.

And, these kids and teens will become adults who will continue these behaviors, but will become more cunning at their

Methodology. They’ll invite you along, but will feign ignorance when you mention inaccessibility, or they’ll complain that the accessible place that you chose wasn’t their favorite—dealers choice.

Eventually, this will all peter out as they cease to invite you altogether

And if you ever bring it up, they’ll claim some weak-sauce argument that blames you.

But, you will always be aware that life is happening without you, moments that you’re supposed to be a part of or milestones that you’re supposed to have reached by now if it were not for the

Body you inhabit.

It’s why dating, or inviting any person into your life willingly, can be so nerve wracking and triggering.

Either you’re dealing with someone who is seemingly showing no interest in you and jettisoning you back to those moments you were left out, or

You meet someone genuinely interested and kind and you become immediately suspicious and pull away.

The fear of missing out rules my life and at times dictates my behaviors. I can find myself anxious and waiting to be included rather than living my life regardless.

I realize this fear isn’t inherent to disability given the exhibitionist social media culture we live in, but for me, it reminds me of all the moments I wasn’t a part of as a kid.

Next year, I want to work on this part of me that always feels like I’m losing out on a life

That I’m supposed to have, one that looks similar, if not MORE interesting than my peers.

I have no choice in the way my body decides to behave from day to day, and increasingly, I’m realizing I can’t force people to care about accessibility or inclusion in a capitalist society

But, I can teach myself how be resilient in the ways these moments trigger me. I can try my best to make sure that I find and surround myself with people who do not make me feel like a burden to have around and to give in to trusting those that make me feel welcome and loved.

So that’s my hope for 2019, that I feel more of welcomed by the people that matter and less of this fear of missing out.