Thread by @GailSimone

I have a theory. Bear with me a moment.

It's this. In the history of human achievement, nothing works exactly as promised.

Many of the most expensive and cherished products in the world don't do anything like what they imply.

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Except two.

Two items, in all of history, work as promised, and do the thing they say they will on the label.

TWO.

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A Ferrari does not make you younger.

A Van Gogh does not give you class.

A yacht doesn't make you a sea captain.

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You can spend MILLIONS obtaining things that have, at best, a fleeting placebo effect.

They MIGHT have a viral placebo effect. But it's a charade and the cold light of day will reveal that to all.

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Except for two things. And they cost pennies.

So, in short, these two products are the sum of all our hopes and dreams, they are the pinnacle of what we can be as humans.

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and 7/

That's it. Oxyclean and Pepto-Bismol.

A bottle of Oxyclean starts around seven dollars. Pepto is about fifty cents a tablet.

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But they reveal the soul of human commerce and evolution.

You spill your soup, Oxyclean timetravels, to when your carpet was new and fresh and unstained by chunky vegetable beef.

You have the trots? Pepto Bismol says, OH. Let me give you back your human DIGNITY.

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And think of how they work together, because they don't care about glory, they care about YOU.

You have bad shrimp. You foul the bed.

Pepto BAM!

Oxy KABOOM!

The word 'heroic' is overused. But THAT, my friend, is HEROISM.

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Twelve dollars. Two innocuous packages, sold in any store. They don't even care if you buy generic.

They just want you to be clean and regular.

>sniff<

Excuse me.

Goddammit.

I just love America so much.

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>Sings national anthem, salutes a bald eagle<

Can't we all be just a little more like them?

End/
Fadeout/
Joy/