Thread by @QuinnyPig

So I'm almost 700K lifetime miles on @united. For the first time in my adult life I'm flying @delta tonight, and OH. MY. GOD.

A thread.

So I'm United "1K," which means I flew over 100,000 miles over the past year. I know, I make terrible life choices.

I upgraded from coach to first for less than $100 on a 2 hour flight. That's... pretty much unheard of on United.

I'm now in the Delta Skyclub (credit card perk), which is just like the United Club except its designers apparently asked "What could we build if we didn't hate our customers?"

It gives the Amex Centurion lounge a run for its money.

In the United Club (as of the last time I was there; I cancelled my membership three years ago because with my sense of humor I can get people to spit on me for free) anything except crap drinks is free.

THIS IS WHAT I JUST GOT HANDED TO ME!

When I checked in they just needed to glance at my credit card and scan my boarding pass. THE AGENT CAME OUT FROM BEHIND THE DESK TO DO IT!

THERE WAS NO ENORMOUS LINE!

I FELT LIKE A HUMAN BEING!

"Oh, this is your first time? Welcome! You're flying to San Francisco, which is just the next gate over. You'll want to leave in roughly 25 minutes to get there on time, but there's no rush."

"We have full spa services here, but with less than half an hour it's probably not going to work out. We've also got full showers, and--" then I blacked out.

I died.

I died in my Uber ride here, and this is heaven, which for some reason has TSA agents.

Made it into the seat.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REARRANGED OUR BAGS INSTEAD OF YELLING AT US TO DO IT FOR THEM.

They offered an in-flight drink (my usual- a gin & tonic in the mistaken belief it will protect me from the mouthbreathers on the plane).

Oh my god we're not at altitude yet and not only is @delta wifi working, but it's *FAST*.

...what's wrong with you, @united? It's gotta be something profound.

"The use of Wifi to make phone or video calls is not permitted" but on @united it isn't even a remote possibility.

I'm rapidly progressing from "impressed with Delta" to "actively angry at United."

Data around this: On @delta I'm getting 15mbps down, 2mbps up.

On @united I'm still waiting for results from my flight two days ago.

OH MY STARS GANG. I rang my call-bell to ask for a drink refill, and the @delta flight attendant showed up WITH A SMILE AND ASKED HOW THEY COULD HELP!

I'm pretty sure I've got a layover in Narnia at this point.

And as a final update to this thread, the @Delta SFO ground crew didn’t seem surprised as all hell that we were here. Landed, gated, off the plane early.

Call me, @delta.

@united, it’s not me; it’s you.