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nietzsche would have absolutely crushed it on twitter until he got ratio’ed one too many times, had a 72 hour meltdown and started a fascist youtube channel from a basement
kierkegaard? sad, beardy reply guy.
socrates: permabanned for asking politicians too many questions
aristotle: men’s rights advocate, likes to demand feminists debate him, writes really long essays on wordpress dot com
kant: runs linux, has a facebook account with a default profile photo, never posts. strong suppressed poster energy
epicurius is constantly posting lush travel instagrams with lots of inspirational hashtags like #enjoy #abundance #blessings
zeno is all about his new diet where he only eats cabbage. insists on using an obscure encrypted message app
voltaire: horny, poetic substack newsletter. keeps emailing you about get rich quick schemes. bitcoin early adopte
hegel: no one understands his threads but everyone rt’s them to seem smart
heidegger: proud member of the Intellectual Dark Web. cryptofash. posts disconcerting boomer memes
thomas hobbes: incredibly grumpy and seems to hate everyone. very uneven takes. follows you but never rt’s. sends you a dick pic out of the blue & boy is it nasty, brutish and short
foucault: tortured horny energy. dm slider. keeps writing the same op ed where everything is a metaphor for prisons but it’s a good shtick and you don’t mind
gertrude stein: cryptofash TERF but the real trouble arrives when, in a fit of uncontrollable rage, she doxxes, then SWATs, rupi kaur
ayn rand: writes for the federalist and quillette. strong grift. she declined an invitation to denise’s wedding so she could go fuck denise’s brother
spinoza: everyone is both aroused and intimidated by him. scorns lefty jew twitter but won’t join any other group either. mysterious energy. posts 1 selfie a year but it gets a thousand likes
bataille: posts such weird nudes that most of his online presence was wiped out by the tumblr porn ban. fetlife profile. his instagram has a single image of a man being gored at a bullfight
schopenhauer: king of 4am sadposts. always subtweeting goethe. abstract AVI cuz he’s ashamed of his looks but slides in your dms anyway. never not beefing with someone
i took two philosophy classes in college and did very poorly in both. consider this my revenge
oh wait one last one: derrida. constantly in obscure fights with tankies. self-rts every tweet. near-universally loathed but his stans will pounce if you say anything
kafka: still on facebook, so heartachingly sincere you make a dummy profile after deactivating just to read his posts. wins flash fiction contests. deeply neurotic and posts about his health problems from time to time. strong needs a hug vibe.
wittgenstein: posts long, incomprehensible threads without knowing how to use the thread function. big time trust fund energy. has a cartoon avi to obscure that he looks like this (mega hot) 
sartre: your posts make him nauseous. he retreats from Online but always comes back to the discourse. cafe selfies. sees through media cycle bullshit but it drives him insane. big polyamory guy. mad that simon de beauvoir has more followers than him
