Thread by @personunsure

ACCOUNTABILITY IS MY TRIGGER WORD

a twitter thread

i started crying again last week

it's been 4 years since i last cried

but i've cried twice in the last 7 days

last night it was about accountability, because no single misappropriated concept has hurt me more

accountability is about allowing people to surround you and make sure you live up to a set of ideals you agreed to

it's when people who care about you have permission to call you on your bullshit because you believe in something

it's when someone you grab someone you love by the shoulders, look them in the eyes, stare deep into their failure, and say "you can do this"

it's when your friendship extends far beyond whether they do the thing they said they would or not

what i knew was people swarming to attack one another for their shortcomings

what i knew was the endless shame of teenage boys made to feel bad for puberty

what i knew was the fear that everything i loved would be taken from me if anyone found out i kissed a girl

i never felt the courage to be a better person the next day

i never knew the warmth of someone who believed i could do accomplish more than i thought i could

i never rested in the peace of someone who saw past my shortcomings and into a better future

in all my "accountability meetings," i never told the truth

i lied through my teeth, because i had nothing to gain and everything to lose

i had no intention of admitting my failures, but i kept showing up, because i had a 16 year old reputation to maintain

i watched friends admit their failures and i joined in as we doubted their conviction and eventually scared them away

it pains me to say it, but i lost friends because they decided they believed something different, and we disowned them

here's the critical thing we really missed: we thought accountability was about making sure we never failed

accountability is about what happens when you fail

i woke, worked, walked, worried, wept, and slept with my shame every night because failure wasn't an option

because failure was a cliff, and if i fell down, there was no returning

the moment i started down, i never tried to come back

i just started lying

it's only now, separated by 10 years and an entire belief system, that i finally have space in my soul for the concept to re-enter

but i finally know what's going to happen when i fail

my friends are going to pick me back up, and we're going to do better tomorrow, together

this is really me expanding on my thoughts from last week about creative schedules

https://twitter.com/personunsure/status/1128755370870988800

i am, for once, surrounded by people who aren't afraid of failure

i am, for once, not suffering in shame for existing

accountability is my trigger word

my self-esteem is shot. my shame and grief too great to bear some days

there's no word that brings that sadness back so violently

but i'm taking it back, because i trust you

because i know you're still going to love me when i fail