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Ok, let’s cut to the chase in the forthcoming beauty pageant where the worst people on Earth will chose someone even worse than them to unify our crumbling nation. Actually the only thing that really matters is how good will the ruinous writhers be for cartoonists. A guide...
...& we start, obviously, with Oedipal car crash, Freudian textbook & KGB sleeper agent “Boris” Johnson. A gift? Frankly, booooooring! Been there, done that. What could be months if drawing this blob will just give him more of the attention he screamingly craves, so he’s out...
...2) Dominic Raaaaaab: this is better; he’s clearly an idiot, got a head of solid bone & a neck like a castrated buffalo’s & His car crash premiership could be diverting for 3 or 4 days but then terminal embarrassment & ennui would set in, as would boredom, so no. 3) Andrea...
..Leadsom: surprisingly enjoyable to draw, with loads & loads of baggage which could exciting visual form, tho suspect wouldn’t last long enough to establish her face in the National subconscious, no probably no. 4) Jeremy Hunt: well established hapless aristocratic millionaire..
..incompetent idiot with an eternally surprised expression on a face like a plastic hatchet & the gangly flailing body of your classic dweeb. Serious potential for serious fun as he attempts to establish himself as serious & not all the above. Could be fun for a bit, so a...
...definite maybe. 5) Sajid Javid: frankly, a joy to draw, as well as being a deeply sinister Ayn Rand fan & ruthless financier trying to play the I’m-just-a-poor-boy-from-a-poor-family card. Comedy mayhem could ensue from him leading a party of geriatric racists, so one to...
...watch while you wince. 7) Penny Mordaunt: as a former magician’s assistant with a heavily tattooed gay brother, shows great visual potential. Also got a face that shows great potential too. Could live with PM as PM. 8) Sir Graham Brady: probably a non-starter who, while he...
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...looks like what you imagine David Archer looks like, could take a while to establish what the fuck he looks like so who the fuck he is. Then again, fresh meat is always welcome. 10) Rory Stewart: now we’re talking! Described on 1st entering Commons as “Florence of Belgravia”..
...this soldier/mystic/poet in the mould of if Robert MacFarlane & Sir Philip Sidney had puppies has a face to die for, like a short-sighted child’s drawing of Tony Blair. In fact he’s self-caricaturing & so would save us all a lot of time when we could be drinking. In fact...
...exactly the kind of excitingly mad out-of-touch Etonian the country needs instead of the tedious & stale pratfalling of “Boris” Jizzum, who Stewart could also kill with his bare hands. 11) Matt Hancock: as even he probably doesn’t know what he looks like would be impossible...
...to draw, so it’s a definite no, though his mesmerising boring awfulness has definite specks of screaming hilarity in it. 12) Esther McVey: her unleavened malevolence, chained for eternity to total lack of awareness along with weapons grade vanity could provide for months...
...of genuinely vicious satirical fun. A worthy target, so gets my equal-2nd preference 13) Liz Truss: too ludicrous to be funny when mocked. Eject now. So, there you have. If the entire Tory Party dies of mange & rabies this afternoon& they throw this election open to us all...
...be driven solely by the needs of we cartoonists as we sow the seeds of History & vote Stuart, then McVey=Mordaunt followed by Hunt=Javid. The rest should be beamed back to the mothership & Johnson fed to the frogs. Vote early! Vote often!
