Thread by @personunsure

A REMEDY FOR SADNESS

a twitter thread

four months ago at a dinner party a friend asked me about my two earliest memories

without prior contemplation, i immediately answered:

1. the death of my three month old brother
2. a birthday host explaining that he didn't want me at his party

i'm no stranger to my own troubled mind, but the abrupt clarity of my words scared me

we had been discussing how our earliest memories shape our mental future

with those two in hand, my self-hatred seems obvious. maybe even inevitable

last week, my therapist told me i need to start taking anti-depressants

i know i exhibit common symptoms of depression, and i know it's treatable

but i assumed that i'd be able to beat it on my own

i think he's right, but i'm scared

i'm scared because i don't know what it means for me to not be depressed

the shortness of breath comes in waves, but depression has been a constant companion since childhood

i can't remember a time without it

taking anti-depressants, for me, doesn't mean rediscovering an old peace

it means attempting to find it for the first time

death is my earliest memory

feeling unwanted is a constant theme

believing i am disliked is such a deep part of my self conception that i view even the things i like about myself as a byproduct of that rejection

i'm afraid that if i take the pills, and i do get better, i won't recognize the person in the mirror

i'm afraid that if i was happy i wouldn't even be me anymore

i know how this sounds. i recognize this as a form of stockholm syndrome. i see i've made peace with my captor

someone else said it sounded like an abusive relationship. tough, but fair

i struggle with the concept, because left to my own devices, i wouldn't bother to fight it

i've accepted depression as normal, and i can imagine living with it for the next 50 years

but i'm compelled to fight, because i think my family and friends deserve it

it seems inescapable that if i really care about them, i owe them the best version of myself

even if that best version is an unknown

even if it means risking myself in the process

but for all my fears, i'm told that most people who take anti-depressants end up happier anyways

two days after that dinner party i wrote this song, about the long term nature of my sadness, the hopelessness i feel when i think about ever trying to find my way past it, and the distance i feel when i speak to someone who is happy

soundcloud.com/personunsure/a…

i've been looking for a remedy for sadness

i think i have a real path forward, though it's not the one i want

i don't know what it means to not be sad, but i'm hoping that whatever is next is a better life for the people i love