Thread by @audrawilliams

[Thread] This isn't a callout at a particular person, but I'm feeling at a loss. I was talking to a dude friend of mine about that Incels + Plastic Surgery article, and I asked him what he thought he could do -- working with other men -- to change the culture that creates Incels.

And he was just like so bewildered that I thought he might even consider being part of the solution on this. He felt it was the role of teachers and therapists and counsellors etc etc etc. Which, of course those people have a role, but there aren't enough of them to fix this.

He asked me what sort of thing I thought he should be doing, a question I found really frustrating. I replied "I don't know. Work together to think of what to do. I don't mean in a professional sense just like all the ways women have always had to work together informally ...

... to solve problems, like getting women's shelters built or abortion legalized. The bulk of that work wasn't done by people who were being paid to do it or who had any particular training or expertise."

(Of course experts and professionals have crucial roles to play. But reading Judy Rebick's book Ten Thousand Roses was so reassuring, because so many of those powerhouse women were also figuring it all out as they went along.)

Anyway this seemed to confound him. Which feels like such a learned helplessness thing that I especially see from men my age (43) and slightly younger. The amount of things men say they "don't know how to do", I swear to god.

Like, so many times I've seen a man justify complete inactivity in a crisis by saying "I didn't know what to do." And I'm always like "LITERALLY ANYTHING." Just like ... participate? In the world?

Basically, my fear is that men aren't going to try to solve this problem at all, even though it is a problem of male culture. And it's going to be one more thing that falls to women, and it's not physically or psychologically safe for us to take this on!

But I don't think the physical and psychological safety of women is important enough to a critical mass of men that they will have hard conversations together about how to fix this. I don't even think it's on the radar as a possibility.

Please prove me wrong about this, that would be amazing. <3

NEXT DAY THOUGHTS:

Here is the thing: Being an Incel is just an extreme end of the spectrum of casual misogyny that we are all steeped in. If you are a man, you absolutely know other men who express feelings on this spectrum.

You absolutely hear undoubtedly much milder opinions like this expressed all the time. No matter how progressive you are. A feminist social worker friend of mine puts it perfectly:

"What these dudes need are men in their lives like who refuse to validate or normalize or excuse the behaviour, and it’s important that these men also make a point to stick around as long as possible rather than performatively cutting them out of their lives for ally points."

You need to also say things to your male friends like "I heard/read a man saying the most fucked up thing yesterday. I called him on it, and I hope that helps. But I have no idea how to change the culture here. I want to make things better. Do you have any ideas?"

Probably you will just stare at each other hopelessly and then go about your day. That is what happens 95% of the time when women have these same conversations. But you will have created space with yourself and others to see yourselves as having a role to play in solving this.

Even if you don't know how. Even if the first 1000 things you try seem to have no impact. But if enough of you ask each other what you can do together to solve this problem, this will be an absolute game-changer.

If hundreds of thousands of these conversations started happening, we'd begin to have a fighting chance.

(Thank you for reading this thread! My equivalent to "Check out my Soundcloud page!" is "Please order my amazing partner's non-alcoholic cocktails for your next picnic, party, or work social!") temperancecocktails.com/order