Thread by @personunsure

most weeks i try to write with a point

this week i'll just tell you a story

i was diagnosed with depression last week

thursday morning i went to the psychiatry department for my appointment

they handed me an ipad to fill out an intake form

depression is diagnosable when you experience five out of nine symptoms for at least two weeks

the ipad has a series of multiple choice questions, all in the form of

in the last two weeks, i’ve experienced {{ symptom }}:

- never
- some days
- several days
- most days, or every day

i didn't expect it, but this was the hardest part

filling out a form on an ipad seems like it should be easy

of the symptoms (like low appetite, hopelessness, low self esteem), i answered most with “several days”

it’s one thing to feel awful and overwhelmed

it’s another to admit that to a friend

but it's (i don't use this phrase lightly) a whole nother thing to fill out a form willingly admitting that you have diagnosable depression

it was a moment for me when it all became real

of course i've heard that the way i feel isn't normal

of course i've been told that some people don't hate themselves

and it's been easy, for a long time, to describe myself as depressed

but it was hard

so hard

to admit it to that ipad

to admit it to the nurse who took it when i was done

to admit it to the doctor who would call my name moments later

up until that point, i was messy. i was sad. i was hurting

but i was the only one defining what that meant

and now a doctor is involved

and the doctor is defining what it means

i sat on the couch in his office

he asked some questions

he was kind, and seemed to listen well

but i knew what was coming

i filled out the ipad

i picked up the medication before i went back to work

he had said i should start taking it the same day

i ate lunch quickly and went back to my desk

still unsure if i would really take the pills

but they sat on my desk, staring at me

i got up to go for a walk

ten feet from the door i turned around

resolved, in that moment, to take the pill

i sat in my chair, sunglasses on

sobbing at my helplessness

wishing that a friend would come and hold my hand as i started this terrible journey

and somehow, at the same time, thankful for the merciful aloneness of the office lunch hour

i can't take a pill without thinking of the first time

i remember it taking over an hour

it was late

i think my mom had to cut the pill in half

i think she yelled

i think the shock helped me swallow

the pills go down easy now, at least physically

every morning, right after i wake up

they told me not to expect any results for a few weeks

i'm pretty sure i'm experiencing some symptoms

i've had a few bad headaches and trouble sleeping

but this morning i saw myself in the mirror and i wasn't disgusted by my own reflection