Thread by @garius

LIDINGTON: Phil! Wasn't expecting to see you at the Leadership hustings!
HAMMOND: Why not? I love this stuff.
LIDINGTON: Really?
HAMMOND: God yes. It's like Celebrity Big Brother but with racist politicians.
LIDINGTON: Isn't that just... Celebrity Big Brother?
HAMMOND: Fair point

HAMMOND: And you?
LIDINGTON: Leadership Hustings are a guilty pleasure. Although I see them as more like a beer festival
HAMMOND: I can see that. Lots of weird old men ticking off lists...
LIDINGTON: Fake hipsters using it as cover to be a bit racist...
HAMMOND: Oh hey, Dom's up!

RAAB <podium>: The Brexit talks disgraced the nation!
HAMMOND: You led them, you tit!
LIDINGTON: Phil, don't heckle
HAMMOND: It's like being lectured on trade law by a Top Shop manager
LIDINGTON: Eulalie! Eulalie!
HAMMOND: What are you doing?
LIDINGTON: Just seeing if it worked

LIDINGTON: Raab was meant to be slick. This is terrible.
GOVE <etherial voice>: jAVid aND HaNCoCK aRE SaboTAGiNG hIS caMPAign
HAMMOND: Fuck! Don't do that. Where are you?
GOVE: SoRRy. In tHE CorRIDor pREpARinG. i WiLL mAke A 'cONNecTiNG' sOUnD
HAMMOND:
LIDINGTON:
GOVE: boO BeEP

HAMMOND: Is Esther... is she feuding with Lorraine Kelly?!
LIDINGTON: I feel her pain
HAMMOND: What?! Why?!

<A party. Last year>

LIDINGTON: The DUCK had the talent!
SCHOFIELD: Fuck YOU Lidington!
LIDINGTON: Get back in your broom cupboard you hack!

<now>

LIDINGTON: No reason.

HAMMOND: Who's next?
LIDINGTON: Hang on. I'll check the programme. Okay, Matt Hancock is going to talk to us about 'channelling a new paradigm in voter engagement'
HAMMOND: What? Does he want to be PM or sell us magnets?!
LIDINGTON: Don't blame me! I'm just reading what it says!

HANCOCK: As you can so on my deck I... question at the back?
HAMMOND: What's a deck?
HANCOCK: This
HAMMOND: Your Powerpoint?
HANCOCK: Yes, my deck.
HAMMOND: You could just say Powerpoint
HANCOCK: If we can move on
HAMMOND: With the Powerpoint?
LIDINGTON <aside>: Stop teasing him

LIDINGTON: Don't tease Matt
HAMMOND: Oh COME ON. His powerpoint
LIDINGTON <interrupting>: Deck
HAMMOND: His POWERPOINT is titled 'Uber but for Politics'. Why are you suddenly on team Matt?
LIDINGTON: Check the doggy bag
HAMMOND: Oh SHIT! Snacks!
LIDINGTON: The waffles are amazing

ANGRY MAN AT THE PODIUM: Brexit means Brexit!
HAMMOND: Which one is this again?
ANGRY MAN: Brexit means Brexit!
LIDINGTON: I don't recognise him. Mark Harper maybe?
ANGRY MAN: Brexit means Brexit!
ANNOUNCER: Security to the podium please! Security!
HAMMOND: Not Mark Harper then.

LIDINGTON: Are we getting Rory?
HAMMOND: No, he's doing his in a tent outside I think.
LIDINGTON: What?
HAMMOND: Oh don't ask me. I assume it's something Millennials do, like... oh... what's that thing people under 40 spend all their money on?
LIDINGTON: Avocados?
HAMMOND: Rent.

HAMMOND: Anyway shhh. I think Michael's up next
GOVE: yES I aM juST leAViNG tHE GrEEn rOoM
LIDINGTON: Aren't you all in the corridor?
GOVE: MaTT hANcocK haS tOLD mE It Is GrEEn?
HAMMOND: Of course he has
GOVE: I fIND tHIS CoNFuSING. iT LooKS bROWn aND...
LIDINGTON: Focus, Michael

LIDINGTON: Is it me, or is Gove a bit... flat?
HAMMOND: I think. No. Ignore me
LIDINGTON: What?
HAMMOND: It's just, do you get the impression he doesn't really WANT to destroy the world anymore?
LIDINGTON: For an Eldritch horror he does spend a LOT of time on community events now

GOVE: HoW WaS i?
LIDINGTON: Michael, are you SURE you want this?
GOVE: i Am an eLDrITcH hORRor. i MUst sEEk pOWer. iT is WhY i ExIST
HAMMOND:
GOVE: I wiLL haVE to GiVE uP ramBLERs cLUb
LIDINGTON:
GOVE: aND thE ViLLAge cOMMitTEE
HAMMOND: Michael...
GOVE: nO i deFINiTELy wANt ThIS

GOVE: i WAs GoING to mAKe a VicTORIa sPOngE
HAMMOND: What?
GOVE: For tHE ViLLagE FaIR. JeREmy GaVE mE sOMe JaM
HAMMOND: I can't believe I'm saying this: you don't HAVE to consume the world.
GOVE: i aM aN eLDrITCh hORRor
LIDINGTON: Don't let that define you
GOVE: iT Is aLL I kNOw

LIDINGTON: Is your heart in this?
GOVE: I cANnoT fIGHt wHaT i AM
HAMMOND: Who
GOVE: SoRRy?
LIDINGTON: You're a 'Who' to us now
GOVE: yOU aRe... tOo KiND. No I MuST. bUT...
LIDINGTON: Yes?
GOVE: gENtLEmEN, wHEn mY daRKNesS dESCenDS i WiLL fLAY youR mINDs laST
HAMMOND: Erm. Thanks?

HAMMOND: Well that was horrifying
LIDINGTON: We staying for Boris?
HAMMOND: Nah. It only encourages him. He'll send Liz Truss in his place anyway
LIDINGTON: Or Grayling. Or Francois.
HAMMOND: Johnson, Truss, Grayling and Francois. The Cabinet we don't want, but definitely deserve

LIDINGTON: What about Javid, Andrea and co?
HAMMOND: It's all just blending into one now to be honest. It's not like we've heard anyone provide a coherent plan
LIDINGTON: WhatsApp from Theresa: Am in Wethers getting shitfaced
HAMMOND: Now THAT is a plan I can get behind. Let's go

Don't forget, the #leadershipTapes start here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1134069934672273409

And there's still time to pledge for the print version of The Brexit Tapes! unbound.com/books/the-brex… which start on Twitter WAY BACK here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1062983853260918784