1/ Welcome to Wednesday in the independent republic of Brexitlandia
2/ Last night we were treated to a mass debate among the potential leaders of Brexitlandia. What a load of wank
3/ Let’s examine how the “hopefuls” did...
4/ First up arch skiver, privilege abuser and bullshitter @BorisJohnson
5/ Boris claimed he cannot be racist because his great grandfather was a forrin
6/ He showed how down with the Muslims he was by repeatedly failing to recall the Imam’s name.
7/ Boris also made clear that it is not his fault people have taken his offensive words in the past and held him to account. He gave the detailed example of the Iranian Court using his evidence against Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe. 🙄
8/ Imagine a no deal scenario. Boris will blame all you useless fucks that are UK citizens for making it happen. Most likely this will be on 1 November or as the Mexicans call it the Day of the Dead
9/ Boris also showed a fine commitment to preserving peace in Ireland but citing “GATT 24 or whatever”. I mean WTF?
10/ Here is a direct quote from the Government on “GATT 24 or whatever”. You know the one Johnson is in
11/ Next up was Jeremy CUNT who insisted he would go for no deal over no Brexit if needed
12/ Which is odd because he then lambasted Johnson for risking no deal which would put Shropshire farmers out of business. Apparently the difference between Hunt and Johnson is timing...
13/ Jeremy would knowingly cause farmers harm but not as quickly as Johnson 🤔🤔
14/ Jeremy also insisted that despite supporting Trump’s sentiment behind retweeting Hatey Plopkins Jeremy was not a cunt or racist
15/ Jeremy said he was not racist because he is a married to a forrin and his kids are a bit forrin. He surprised himself with this 😳😳
16/ On to @michaelgove who presented himself as the candidate who started this Brexit mess and will finish it. @maitlis restrained herself by not impersonating the voiceover from Mortal Kombat
17/ Gove said he was the man because he had lots of detailed plans like doing away with VAT and replacing it with an unspecified sales tax. Which is waffle for Brexit will make life costly so I will pretend to make savings whilst really finding another way to leech you all
18/ Gove bored on about his credentials as Enviroment Secretary which is funny given the UK is being taken to court for failing to meet EU rules on pollution. He also said he met @GretaThunberg so he knows the environment is important
19/ Meanwhile he also supports a Brexit that means combatting climate change even harder. Govey is what is known as an eloquent shitbag
20/@sajidjavid promised to bribe the Irish with money if he can please get his Brexit. He is applying “Inverse Trump Wall Economics”
21/ On a postitive note @sajidjavid did get all candidates to commit to an external investigation into Islamophobia in the Tory Party. @Jeremy_Hunt suggested, after the show, that Hatey Plopkins would make a fine candidate to lead the investigation
22/ Meanwhile “Spy of the People” @RoryStewartUK showed he was as bendy as a pretzel or that he had piles by really working his bar stool
23/ @RoryStewartUK spent all his time telling the others that their Brexit plans were shit. This is true. But he did not explain how he would get May’s deal through at the fourth attempt 🥴🤢🤮
24/ Wisely Rory refuses to commit to any tax cuts because the UK is already going to lose plenty of money from Brexit. Weirdly none of the others corrected him there would be £350m a week for the NHS in any case🤥
25/ Rory failed to publicly condemn Trump’s tweet about London. This was odd but Rory was saying he would raise this in private with Trump....
26/ It was not clear whether Rory would put Trump in the naughty corner or bash him over the head with the bust of Churchill in the White House.
27/ In case doubts are emerging as whether @RoryStewartUK does not like forrins either he was very welcoming of the Bristolian Imam by welcoming him to the UK assuming the Imam can not possibly have been born here 🙄
28/ Thr main take away of course was THAT NOT ONE SINGLE CANDIDATE MADE THE CASE THE UK WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE UNDER THEIR LEADERSHIP
